7 Years Of Confusion, Chaos, Bliss, Love :)

I was 13, It was the begining of the school year in a new school. I met eyes with this girl. Boom. something happened. there was an instant connection. I felt an attraction, I had a crush, it seemed natural for a young boy like me to have a crush, but what I was about to find out that it was a crush like no other. I was a very shy young guy so I had no intention of getting lost in this "crush". It came and went At times I would feel extremely infatuated and extremely jelous when I seen her date another boy, so what did I do? I used resentment and denial to get out of it. but no matter how hard I tried not to notice her or crush on her it would always flood back and I would find myself daydreaming and doodling her name in my notebook to catch myself and say "this isnt right, I shouldnt like her, she has a boyfriend" and frantically erase it. I went throught a rough phase a few years later when I was very suicidal and self destructive. I believed as if there was no one out there for me and I would never feel love. I had such low self esteem/confidence that I avoided any kind of relationship or encounter with a girl for aloong time. I got a job at a movie store to find out that she also worked there. We became really close friends due to all the down time we would sit and talk for hours and hours on end. We started hanging out alot outside of work. It was amazing we understood eachother soo much. I really liked her, she matured and was more beautiful than ever before. I kept telling myself that I wouldnt fall for her because I thought she was out of my league and wouldnt ever consider anything more than being friends with me. But as time went on I fell soo hard for her I never knew what it felt to be soo "into" someone and I couldnt stop thinking about her.
One day I could feel such emotion brewing between us and it felt all too real. She proceeded to tell me that she is lost, not looking for a relationship, and a tear rolled down her cheek and she walked away. We went from talking everysingle day to all bridges burnt. I was hurt I couldnt understand why she would do that because I knew she felt the chemistry and I knew she had feelings for me. It hurt even more when I found out a week later she was dating some older guy. Once again the time cycle repeated itself and I found myself resenting her and ever talking to her. I became soo engulfed with my "badboy" ego to hide from my feelings, drinking all the time, smoking up, smoking, and looking for one night stands. The next two years were confusing as hell, I would still become jelous seeing her and her bf all the time and it pissed me off so I did what I could to ignore her. Funny thing is that me and this guy have been like arch enemies since we were young. I ended up working with her again at department store coincidentally while she was still with her boyfriend, I could always feel that she was disconnected and unhappy and it affected me adversly especially since I was jelous. I avoided all eye contact and social contact and it was fairly easy since we were working in different ends of the store other than exchanging a few words here and there but never anything more.
I ended up getting into spirituality around this time, meditating daily, drawing, writing, and becoming exhuberant. She and her boyfriend had a nasty windown of their relationship and finally split. Somehow she was picking up on my radiant energy I was emmiting and we started locking eyes frequently. I did alot of self reflection on my life and I realised how special the connection we shared was but I should focus on myself and I did alot of third eye meditations to train my thoughts to be positive. I found out about twin flames/soulmates and realised that I may have found one that I shared an strong connection with. We started talking lightly here and there and it was nice. I brought up spirituality, talking about my meditations, reflections, art, etc, She was extremely intrigued because she was briefly taught a bit about spirituality at a young age within her family and she also came from an artistic family. We became friends and started growing positively together. I asked her on a date and said I had something interesting to talk about. I told her about twin flames/soulmates, runner, chaser etc and I thought we shared a connection. She told me she got a shock through every cell in her body. We even both shed a tear at the same time and rested our heads on each of our left hands. We both became really spiritual and really close friends for about a month working on being whole within ourselves. We became lovers as we anchored the connection down :) it was soo blissful, soo pure, and soo fulfilling for each of our self growth processes. We got soo lost in eachother and spent 24/7 together and nearing the 5 month period we started to argue more frequently. I had to leave town for a month due to a job transfer. We tried to make it work but it fell apart. My insecurities were brought out and we had a few arguments which led her leaving me hanging when I said I loved her. After a few months of sharing that loving gesture she said she didnt love me that day and she didnt want a relationship. I was soo broken confused. I could tell we both fell out of balance together and when we parted we both fell even further.
well its been a weird month since we broke it off and we are still in contact. no matter how hard I try to ignore I find myself smiling at her texts and crying when I think its over. But its not! its just the begining. we both stopped meditating about 2 months before so ive been getting back into it (same with her) and now not only reflecting on myself but us. And I still share my insight with her.
Im going to tell you this. that with a spiritual connection its not one to get engulfed in romance, but you will and it will be a lesson to be learnt. Time apart is as good as time together. we failed to realise that as we based such a high connection on such low levels. I found we both connected at the third eye, came in contact (throat chakra) and talked our way into eachothers heart chakras, we then became extremely lustful (sacral chakra) and we started to experiement with our lovemaking (root chakra). I have to say the sex in a connection like this will be like no other! we loved it. we went from taking it slow and anchoring the connection down to the lowest levels and got lost in it physically. We were attached at the hip, we had sex if not one, multiple times a day! it was freaaaking amazing!! we knew exactly what we wanted without talking, we communicated through touch and feeling.
You have to realise to be with your twin/soulmate/kindred connection takes balance within yourselves and between. And after we found the intimacy and pleasure invloved in the lovemaking we slowly stopped meditating as much to the point of obseletion. Skipped the romantic talks, dinners and movies and headed straight for the bed! The sad part is, is that we lost appreciation within this process as we became soo intune with the lowest chakras it caused our higher ones to become neglected. we werent as connected to our own or eachothers. We stopped growing together and started functioning together. Thats why When We parted physically we felt disconected and she had to call it off. The whole blamegame, on why it didnt work happened but thats what its meant to do so you can realise that it isnt apart of your heart and soul being to be resentful in that matter. I havent seen any stories put into a spiritual perspective so I felt the need to because although the "stages of tf relationships" helped me understand, I found better answers within.
Its cool because I talked with her about my perspectives and she totally agrees. Just because we arent meant for eachother now dosnt mean its over, its just begining again. We did lose the divine love but we are working on being whole within ourselves to prepare us for whatever comes next whether it be love with eachother or love with another. We are working our ways back up into our own hearts and working on loving ourselves and learning on our own.
We are very old souls in young bodies nearing the end of our journey here, we know we came together for a purpose. And I know that we will be together very soon, if not this life, the next. I really doubted the twinflame thing after awhile but now Im becoming a believer again! It really showed us how time works in cycles of bringing us closer and closer from previous lifetimes to this. Its like literally cycling! now I believe we have settled the karma between us and are working on our own so when we are together next we will be more clear and free to love!
It was also funny hearing that she had the same kind of on and off crush's on me and jelousy when I was with another girl even when she was with her boyfriend! lmao! we are soo parralel in our lives paths, soo much of the same person yet soo much different. You have to realise that your self love is more important than loving your twin. if you love your twin more than you love yourself, well then outcomes the insecurities, fears and such.
We are trying to base our connection in a 4d format now. (Im still working to anchor some of it down with some kinky time in the future ;) <3)
Peace.Balance.Namaste! (btw we are 20 now. 7 years after meeting in 2012! exciting!)
Basscannon1144 Basscannon1144
3 Responses Sep 25, 2012

Hi, thank you for posting your story, it gives much perspective regarding developing spiritually so that we are ready to unite with our twin, and it also gives me much hope :) May we all love ourselves better and deeper and 'reunite' with our twins.

hope it works out for you and your twin flame :)