No, I Wish I Did B...

No, I wish i did but i seriously dont know how. My entire life i have been abused, physically, emotinally and sexually. I have tried my best to try to love myself, but i am seriously losing ground. I feel like all i do is have a pity party and everytime i try to take baby steps forward, I eventaully take JUMPS backwards. I write passionately about many things on this site, NEVER in anyway that goes against how i truly feel. i reccetnly had to disown my parents and sadly because my siblings do not have the ability to think for themselves, i have loss all of them too. i have never intentionally hurt a soul, although i know that unintentionally i have and when it is brought to my attention , i always apologize. Mother's Day is next weekend and it will be a HARD day, as i know that in my heart i will want to reach out to my mother, ironically she does not deserve it. So, for the first time in 45 years i have recently thought of hurting her INTENTIONALLY. She has given birth to five children. For 2 days i actually toyed with the idea of sending her FOUR long stem red roses ans saying on the card *Happy Mother's Day .... One Rose for Each of Your Children* Now i know this would emotionally put her over the edge AND i know that i could never do that to her, DESPITE what she has done to me BUT what bothers me so much is that for the 1st time in 45 years I actually for 2 days THOUGHT of how i could INTENTIONALLY hurt her. I won't do that to her, because i will NEVER INTENTIONALLY hurt someone, not even her or my father BUT is truly scares the hell out of me, that right now i WANT her to be in at least 10% amount of pain that i am in.
AlwaysRemembers AlwaysRemembers
41-45, F
1 Response May 7, 2007

All I can say is "WOW" to your post... at first I honestly thought that it was something I wrote, from the every type of abuse to the mom.<br />
I no longer talk to my mom after 38yrs of abuse and she's still abusing me by not caring and prob happy that I'm out of her life.<br />
I go through HELL daily because of what she has done and still does to me... she has hurt me in one of the worse ways and that is by playing my kids against me and they no longer talk to me... she loves that!!!<br />
She acts like the victim any time I did tell her something about how she treats me and it's like ooh poor maw maw and mom your wrong.<br />
I go to counseliing and they tell me that "SHE" needs major help but I already know that.<br />
I was the only one there for her many times especially when my dad got killed... she would have lost everything if it wasn't for me, we let her live with us and then on our land for free not to mention had it cleared and the trailer set up... we (me and my husband) were the only ones there for her but then when we got her back on her feet everyone came back around and she didn't need me anymore in her life, she tells me that no one has her hurt more than me except for the MAN that killed my daddy... I wish she would have just abort me or gave me up like she said she thought about doing, all she done all my life was abuse me.