In Love With Someone Who Doesn't Exist - Anymore!

I got engaged to my second cousin last year, and it was en engagement with my consent. I was okie with it. I had an understanding with my fiancé and everything was going fine, not prefect. I knew nothing is supposed to be perfect so I let it be. I was an obedient and respectful fiancée and I tried my best to make this relationship work. In last summers, a friend of mine from university became my very close friend. He really respected me a lot. We even used to hang out alone and then we started talking on phone. My fiancé had some issues with me which he didn’t want to sort out. So he didn’t use to talk to me much. My friend on the other hand used to be on call with me almost all the time. We understood eachother so much. I mean we knew we were not doing anything wrong. After sometime, he confessed that he is in love with me. But not the kind that can ruin the friendship. I was fine with it and I even told him if this thing gets problematic then we would take measures. So we were fine with it. It was going perfect. Except that he fell in love with me completely. He never insisted on wanting me or snatching me from my fiancé. But he made it clear that he’ll never love someone this much or never marry someone else. It took me sometime to accept that he is serious. He never lied to me because he used to tell me everything about him, even the flaws, the embarrassments. We had shared everything. Even I was so open with him. He understood me completely. Two months back, one night, his friend called me and informed me that he is dead. It was an accident. And it wasn’t even his fault. My whole world crashed at that moment. My condition got so worse after that, it still it. I used to scream and cry and just freak out. But now I’ve gone numb. I do everything like a robot. I do laugh, but all of it just seems fake now. It’s so scary. I sometimes think it’s all a joke and he’ll just call me or message me. I told my fiancé that I had lost a dear friend, and he said let it go, you’ve seen death before. This is how it happens. I cannot explain it to him what he meant to me. Some of my really good friends are with me, helping me deal with it. But somehow I am losing it all. Its not because of his death, I just think now that he is gone, I’ve realized it’s him I love truly. It was a pure love. I wasn’t capable of loving anyone this much and no body can love me this much. His love was devoid of any payback and he treated me how I wanted to be treated. I even don’t want to get married, although I haven’t told my fiancé all of this. Me and my fiancé have so many differences, and now with my friend’s death, I don’t think I can deal with everything. What do I do? I don’t want to tell my fiancé that I am in love with someone who doesn’t exist anymore. My fiancé says he loves me, but he is very mean to me most of the times. But perhaps he is waiting to show his “loving” side after marriage. Sometimes I think marrying someone who loves me might make me forget about my friend. But then I think I cannot love someone ever again, certainly not someone like my fiancé. What decision do I take and why?
InsanelySane89 InsanelySane89
18-21, F
May 20, 2012