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I Love Old Fashioned Romance

My Loving Gestures Don't Count!

By: ambroseguy80
Written on January 30th, 2013
Age: 46-50 , Male
634 people have read this story

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69 responses
  • parakeet8157

    Sweet post. Keep up the good work. People show affection in different ways.

    Apr 4
    1 like
  • slsr

    I think those things you do out of love are very sweet. It made me sad though because the things I used to do for my husband and later...I found out he didn't take them that way....tons of little practical things to make his life easier.. better.
    Well....now that I'm dating...or was...LOL.
    I have gone a lot the other way...not practical. Hot stuff...full on sexy romance. Lingerie, stockings. The works.
    Fantasy stuff..and is it ever fun.
    I still do practical caring, stuff. That's just me...but the results are way better this way....maybe...try that. I never did. Maybe it would of helped. Maybe not...
    Just my thoughts... :)

    Feb 1
    2 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      Great thoughts.... I just need four blindfolds for the existing children! ;-)

      P.S. I think it's easy to be impractical and sexy all the time when you're not living together 24-7. the reality of kids and life sets in very quickly, and I think those practical things you did would rate just as highly to me as all of the hot lingerie. I think your ex missed the boat, personally! ;-)

      Feb 1
      1 like
    • slsr

      I kinda feel bad...I never did that for the husband...but he never wanted me anyways...so it might not of worked. Lol.
      It's true...its hard with kids...we had 3 :) good luck my friend. :)

      Feb 1
      1 like
  • sStara

    It's obvious that she takes your routine loving gestures for granted, Amb. Women do like to be swept off their feet once in a while .. And she's probably looking for some romantic gestures rather than being served eggs! Having said that though, wifey is a lucky woman and needs to realize that and perhaps understand that your way of caring and showing love and affection is different ... A little understanding on both sides will go a long way ...

    Feb 1
    2 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      Thanks so much, Star! I know there are grander things in life than being served food special made to order, but hey, she shouldn't tell me nothing I do counts for anything, right?

      Feb 1
      1 like
    • sStara

      Not disagreeing there Amb ... And for the record, being served food made to order is pretty grand!

      Feb 1
      1 like
    • ambroseguy80

      :-) Thanks sweety!

      Feb 1
      1 like
  • thatchma68

    I feel the same way and started to think what I use to do back in the day....so when my hubby an i were quite into each other, (28 yrs ago) I use to put notes of why I love him into his lunch box - today I send him txts to say that I am thinking of him, now my hubby is not the romantic, touchy feely person but this gives him a smile, now hes not a text expert either but he sends me pictures from emoji keyboard, which tells me he is trying. We still have a long way to go because the kids are adults now and we are trying to find ourselves....going forward in our marriage/relationship because I am getting tired of always feeling rejected and thinking what am I doing in this relationship. Not sure if this is of help.

    Jan 31
    2 likes
  • Lonely359

    I'd be happy with just about anything at this point- I think some people just always want more & "some" is never enough... kids take the adult human life out of us (it does me) anyways. I gave my husband all the clues I could give him on what I want/need & he didn't follow suite- so I sit & feel rejected... which I am. So I carry on. My say is to completely throw her for a loop- do the things that you don't do anymore & don't do it because she asked you to or because she wants you to- do it because YOU want to. I think that makes a huge difference... I don't want my husband just doing what I just told him to do it so he can say to himself "Happy *****"?! I want him to think, use his own brain... (I work with all men, I've grown used to knowing what goes on in their heads & it's done more damage than good to my marriage)... Good luck!

    Jan 31
    3 likes
    • Podiddle3

      I feel the same way. My husband fails to use his brain. I join him in the shower and he gets out And ready for the day. When I confront him his response is I wasn't thinking. Do you know how many times he uses that excuse? That's not normal. That hurts so bad. I wasn't even worth a thought.

      Jan 31
      1 like
  • despairhassetin

    Just wondered how are feeling today?

    Jan 31
    2 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      I'm doing pretty well, thank you! Soldiering through I guess you could say....

      Jan 31
      1 like
  • Seanonymous

    Yes, they are worthy gestures. Just because she's not feeling them doesn't change the
    fact that you're making them. It sounds like maybe she wants to be touched more, physically
    I mean? Perhaps you've gotten into a routine, like saying and doing things in the same ways
    and she wants something unexpected. Some gesture that is different from the ones she's
    become accustomed to. Flowers, a card or a small gift for no particular occasion maybe?
    Best of luck to you both.

    Jan 31
    4 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      Thank you, Seanon. I agree, a curveball or a change-up is in order! ;-)

      Jan 31
      1 like
  • memorieshurt

    In he beginning of a relationship both man and women are infatuated by one another but as time passes and children arrive and women get older they crave the romance once felt in the beginning....Men seem to fall into routine and be happy there and show their love in wonderful ways but to the women she wants something unexpected and different from her man. Some women can realize this and take into their own hands but others will just complain.. for example......I have been with my man for ten years and I was feeling neglected and bored so I decided to do things to spice it up.. I got a sitter and picked him up from work one night and wore a sun dress with nothing underneath, when I put his hand under my dress the look on his face and his actions satisfied my feelings of being unpretty... I liked the way I felt the next day .... like one hot mama lol.... another time we went through a drive through and as soon as we pulled away from the window I ******** naked.... he nearly rear ended someone..... it isn't about the sex, you might have great sex every time but for me it was his actions the way he looked at me.. like we were younger again and I was sexy. She is craving a feeling she misses... i don't think its you ... i think its her...

    Jan 31
    2 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      Thanks, mh! Yes that makes sense.... Unfortunately she can't drive, and sitters are hard to come by for us! But I loved both of those scenarios you described, and tht is the challenge, to keep things that fresh and exciting through the ":daily humdrum"! Thanks for the feedback, it may be her and not me, but if I can do anything to pull her out of this "feeling unloved" rut she is in, I will try my level best. Thanks again!

      Jan 31
      1 like
  • jenny5144

    my guy sounds similar like he says his actions show his love for me but i am more into traditional romance red roses candy and candlelit dinners but then i realized when he takes time to take me to a movie, shop with me, bring me lunch or let me have the remote control these are his loving gestures not hollywood movie romance like i described ,rather, the simple everyday things i on way too many occasions fail to notice...

    Jan 31
    3 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      But you are noticing more and more... that's a good start! And maybe he can read the 5 languages book to try to satisfy your romance better?

      Jan 31
      1 like
  • MissSass

    For me .. the little things count in a bigger way than grand gestures. I'd much rather have my husband bring in the washing for me without me asking him to than have him arrive home with a big bunch of flowers. It all adds up and at the end of the day, if he has helped by doing a few small jobs that I had intended to do .. it just means I get to relax 10 minutes earlier!

    Jan 30
    3 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      This is much more my speed! I should have married someone who 'speaks my language'. ;-)

      Jan 31
      1 like
    • MissSass

      Not always easy to know if they are speaking your language at the beginning ... and sometimes it changes part way in to a relationship :(

      Jan 31
      1 like
    • ambroseguy80

      That's what I was thinking! I would never have known... what ******* said that marriage should be for life?! Lol

      Jan 31
      1 like
    • MissSass

      One that wasn't married already!

      Jan 31
      1 like
    • ambroseguy80

      LMAO! Toooo true! ;-)

      Jan 31
      1 like
    • Wraithfire

      She thinks like you do, so take heart! You were doing good things. Just try to figure out what things your wife thinks are loving gestures and do those:)

      Jan 31
      1 like
    3 More Replies
  • riley7253

    Check out the I live in a sexless marriage group.

    Jan 30
    1 like
    • ambroseguy80

      WHy?! Sexless does not describe my marriage....

      Jan 30
      1 like
  • Podiddle3

    I am wife who's husband does so many extras. I never forget those but I have such a difficult time getting past the lack of intimacy that I need. I need to feel needed as a woman. If I don't have that from my husband it really decreases my appreciation for all of those wonderful things he does. I am open in telling him this but it hasn't improved. I need the physical closeness. To me that is what makes us husband and wife. Without that it is meaningless. I have the capabilities to do all the great things he does for me but I can't recreate the intimacy I crave so bad.

    Jan 30
    1 like
    • ambroseguy80

      Do you have kids? If so, how many, and ages? I hear this all the time too, and I really don't know how I can create more time in order to be intimate with her more.....

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • Podiddle3

      I have 3 children. I know intimacy is hard and sometimes confusing to figure out. I've pretty much ready to leave bc it has become a big part of my needs in a marriage. Tonight for the first time in forever we had spontaneous sex. We had been segueing all day about our problems and I told him to leave. I came out to sit with him and it spontaneously happened. Need to feel like a woman and have my woman needs met.
      He massaged my back. I started to play with his package. Before I knew it I was giving him head. And the he said the best thing to me. " I need to **** you ". We went to our room and we ******. He stated after he was done he gets what I need. This is the best it has felt in a long time per him. It all made me so happy and it did for him too. He states I get what you need now intimacy and passion. I can only pray we are now going on the right direction. Remember intimacy, passion, and to be spontaneous. Means so much

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • ambroseguy80

      Wow! Good Stuff!!. Awesome

      Jan 31
      1 like
  • jenvice

    You sure make me remember why I don't miss marriage.

    Jan 30
    2 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      LMAO!!!! I am so jaded right now. I really don't know if I will ever be able to "start anew" if things always go back to this....

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • jenvice

      I jus thated the obligatgion going both ways and I couldn't stand the constant disapproval and trying to pretzel up. Be yourself Ambrose if that doesnt work - well then

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • ambroseguy80

      I know Jen. I really don't know what more I could do.... ???

      Jan 30
      1 like
  • neglictisaformofabuse

    Your love language is obviously "acts of service", which is great! but we often have different languages, maybe her is "words of affirmation" or "gifts". My husband does a lot of little things around the house for me but what i need is communication and positive input...Maybe you can look a little closer or perhaps just ask her? Good Job anyway!! You are to be commended on trying to find the answer :)

    Jan 30
    2 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      Thanks! Sadly I have a suspicion that she is 'quality time' from the way she always complains about her Dad never being there for her and her sister. I say sadly because time is the one thing thst I can scarcely spare, doing work, going for my Master's degree (with her blessing and encouragement I might add), and being. Husband and father of four..... I'm screwed! Lol

      Jan 30
      1 like
  • Squeekarose

    I think that the advice that was given bout doin things differently every other week is sound advice cause I don't know about ur wife but half the time I can't remember to pick up garbage bags while I'm out but if my husband kisses me differently I can tell u every different style of kissing he has and when and where we kiss and if its something he's willing to and if he's ever done it that way ect ect ect, u get my point women remember cause that is super importand cause every woman wants to feel wanted and needed and if u can tell her how much u need her cause without her u would b lost even if that's not the case I know I like to know I offer my man something that the younger versions can't!! Insecurity comes in all different shapes and sizes and packages so mayb try just lettin her know something like... " babe thank god I married you cause you should see half the women that were at the grocery store, they all looked line trained hookers that worked at the circus after they left Jerry springer "" lol it's just an example and I hope it made u smile for a second but I think u catch what I'm saying hehehe

    Jan 30
    4 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      Yes, I'm laughing my *** off at you! Thanks for your perspective. I also thought that advice about different approaches was interesting....

      Jan 30
      1 like
  • Squeekarose

    Well as a woman that now stays home ( I've always had a job or 2 :) ) but now I'm home with some medical issues and I've got 2 kids and one who is hearing impaired so leaving him with just anybody isn't happening so I get the whole babysitter issues. Now, because I'm at home I believe I should b doin the blunt of the housework however kids and ole man shouldn't go out of their way to make those jobs harder. Also, when a man has worked all day I firmly believe he needs time to adjust from work mode to home mode so pouncing on them about a bunch of little things that could obviously wait doesn't do anything but annoy him and the wife.. Furthermore your wife isn't to depressed to play computer games or snack or whatever so it seems like the depression is selective when it comes to her and work almost as if she's allergic lol sorry that was probably a little rude. But seriously if she's questioning u bout how u feel about her cause your not showing it enuf it could be coming from her own insecurities cause she knows what kind of man she married, are u a sexual man that needs sex often? If so if she's sick chances r she's got a reason why u guys ain't havin sex on the regular but then she holds it against u like u must b gettin it elsewhere if she can't provide it. Now I'm not saying she does that it just sounds like something that would happen considering I'm a woman and I've seen these situations a 100 times. And perhaps u should show her all the comments u post bout her. There is plenty and u always speak highly of her other then voicing ur concerns an mayb if she reads what someone else thinks of the way she treats u it might make her mad for a second but it will stay in her mind and that might b just what u need to get her act right lol sometimes ppl just need to b reminded that you could leave now I'm not saying u would or that u even want to but havnt u ever notices ppl tend to show more affection if they think its walkin out the door? Lol hope this helps even just a little

    Jan 30
    2 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      Can't argue with a thing you've said.... except I'm not the more sexual one, she is..........

      Jan 30
      1 like
  • americanwitch

    I recommend you both read the book "the five love languages". Each of us has different ways we show and perceive love being shown to us. If you figure out what each other's love languages are you can be sure to do little things for each other in their "love language".

    Jan 30
    4 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      Yes, someone else mentioned that below. I have the Amazon page open right now, and all I need to do is click "order". Thanks for the recommendation.

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • americanwitch

      Sorry for the redundancy, I didn't read all of the comments below. The book would be very helpful in your situation that you describe here. It's a quick read with a quiz you can each take that helps you figure out how you prefer to receive and perceive love and loving gestures. Good luck!

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • ambroseguy80

      Thanks! Don't apologize! I do the same stuff...... it's hard to read down so far when you feel you want to say something. :-) I ordered it, along with another book for myself that someone recommended to me a few days ago, that's what was holding me up. lol

      I guess the problem is that I never viewed different languages of love. I was brought up in a very asexual environment, so I easily see the "non-sexual" love in just about any action. So it's more of my problem to work on, but it's cool that both of us can participate if she wants to after I am done. If anything, seeing your comment was a nice confirmation of the book. Thanks again!

      Jan 30
      1 like
  • SpiritElement

    Hello Ambroseguy80. I read your story and felt I needed to chime in. Your wife is a stay at home partner I gather? So yeah, doing the stuff you see as out of love she sees as just helping her out. She's given you PDA and you say that it's not something you do all the time. I get that - I like to give my husband's butt a spank and I give him a cuddle quite a bit. Of course he's a guy and says he wants to "plunder my booty" ;) as his way of showing affection. But if we want to pamper, we both agreed that it would be us going to dinner and a movie or a couple's massage. Maybe something like that would be good? It doesn't have to be expensive at all; but you will most likely have to get a babysitter!

    Jan 30
    2 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      LOL about the babysitter! Well, yes, but she would not be the dinner type. We rented a room by the hour for our anniversary, and she loved that. Sadness was, next day she was right back into her awful thought mode. I wrote a story about that too... I'm trying! Thanks Spirit!

      Jan 30
      1 like
  • 1Booklover510

    Sorry you are going through all that. Wish I had an answer to help you but I do know how you feel. I practically waited hand and foot on my ex and a lot of extras as well and it was never good enough. His idea of being nice to me was to buy material things--mostly things that he wanted and used me as an excuse to get them (ex; a large aquarium for my birthday when I had no desire for one--he did). Hope things improve for you, :-)

    Jan 30
    2 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      Thanks! Sorry you had to deal with that.....

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • 1Booklover510

      thanks! it was a long time ago and it was the least of my problems with him but I am reminded of it a lot when others have similar problems with pleasing a spouse or s/o. :-)

      Jan 30
      1 like
  • jumpenjacks

    I heard somewhere that it's not so much doing the same things for a woman. Even if it's out of love or even the most romantic gesture ever. If you keep doing it on a regular basis, somehow a woman's brain doesn't register it as being hard work on a man's part or paying her special attention or love. go figure. It's the same thing if it's an errand or chore that you are doing to make her life easier, it just doesn't register the same way in thier brain as ours. It's best, I heard, to make a gesture that's different at least once a week. The example I saw was that one entire week you hold hands while watching TV together. The next week maybe and extra long hug and kiss before going off to work. The next week is something different and so on.

    Jan 30
    3 likes
  • despairhassetin

    May I ask what does she do all day and how old are the children?

    Jan 30
    1 like
    • ambroseguy80

      Ha!!! Well she watches a lot of TV. Kelly and Michael, Rachel Ray... then she might wash some dishes or do some light picking up, or she may hop on the computer and play Farmville instead. Then she goes to get our 4 y/o from pre-school, gets him lunch, talks to me on lunch, then I guess she might do some laundry or watch TV, or computer. Trust me, we have talked about how little she does, and it never gets me anywhere with her. I have given up on that one...

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • despairhassetin

      I was the same until i really sat down and had a deep conversation with my husband. The kids needed routine(I also had four) they needed chores and I had to manage my time better. A messy home is UN-acceptable. I was feeling over-whelmed and griped at my husband all day about how its what HE is not doing! I CONTRIBUTED PLENTY to our way of showing affection. Once everything is in place and kids settled the both of you will have time to show each other in different ways your love. you must have a conversation about how the changes she needs from can be met but you also require some change on her part. Our brains and minds can spoil our moods and reactions to one another.

      To work and go to school and come home to a mess and kids running a muck is a turn off and the mindset is why bother! I believe a man would be more affectionate and appreciative to his woman if his time away is missed and that when his day is done he comes into a nice cozy welcoming clean home where he can relax and unwind. Spend some time with his children have dinner and then settle the kids in by 8pm by 9pm it is our time. what you guys do with that time is where it counts.

      these are just a few suggestions to try
      when she goes to have a shower; quietly join her not with sex immediately on your mind but when she asks what are you doing? ask her if she would like for you to wash her back and do so sensually with your hands not a wash cloth lol. lather your hands and run them in a massaging manner over her back but don't stop there massage her thighs her legs her neck see where it leads.

      while watching TV or a movie have her lay with her head on your lap and gently pass your hand over her hair softly. or rest her feet on your lap and massage her legs
      when she wants to complain grab and kiss her tell her everything is going to alright.
      as she is about to pass you by give her little love tap on her rear end or grab and just her on the neck. little things mean a lot.
      flirt with her like you use to.

      never rent an hourly hotel room do over night it doesn't have to be a four star motel and come prepared with body oil, blind folds, wine and rose pedals. side note rose pedals and sweaty bodies stain the sheets; have fun with it.

      maybe it's just me but these are the things that open my mind to show him how much I love and appreciate him as a man , a husband, a provider, and a father.
      I miss my mushy husband our issues now are that all these gadgets and electronics have his attention most of the time these days. I have had several fits and slowly but surely he is coming back reality so I am staying encouraged and you should too!

      Good Luck

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • ambroseguy80

      All great tips... thank you! Problem with the overnight hotel is that we have virtually NO SITTERS thanks to unsupportive families and friends who always want you to watch their kids, but when you want them to watch yours it's "let me check my schedule", and then let time go by while they find something to do so they won't be able to watch your kids. Thanks again! :-)

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • despairhassetin

      Four is a lot for one person to watch all try splitting them up. you make the arrangements not her and explain to the person you are asking childcare from that you need a reply right away and that you want to surprise her so they shouldn't mention it to her. but most definitely jump in on her shower : )

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • ambroseguy80

      LOL... not sure how I missed this, despair. Good ideas again! :-)

      Jan 31
      1 like
    2 More Replies
  • soulrunher

    This is a great post. I think you do show you care and I for one would appreciate any of those things you do, but I get nothing so maybe Im not the one to ask! LOL I see her point though that if everything you do is for her and the family, it is different than when you do something just for her... we do separate those things. I see both of your points here. But seeing as how she is always questioning your love try and throw something just for her in there and see what happens. Won't hurt.

    Jan 30
    2 likes
    • ambroseguy80

      Yes, it's true. Sometimes having four kids can make the "all for one" mentality take over, and I do appreciate that difference! I would love to try more things just for her, but like I tell her, I can't make more time in the day, as our lives with four children are so frazzled at times! I wish I could just sit around and think of ways to romance her like I used to. She's not high-maintenance, materialistically speaking, but she is high-maintenance with time consumption, and between work and doing college, and also picking up things she failed to get done all day while depressed leaves little time left over for romancing. Thanks for your input, {{{souly}}}

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • soulrunher

      I get that, I can't imagine 4 kids. You are right. Maybe just a verbal thing at night...something small?

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • ambroseguy80

      AFTER I lay the boys down and get them settled down and sleeping, I report to our bed every night to say goodnight to her and have a little conversation. Oftentimes, this turns into another frustrating conversation about how unhappy she is - and oftentimes it holds me back from getting to my college work (which, by the way, she encouraged me to undertake, and at the time I wondered if time would be an issue later - it was and is!

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • soulrunher

      That sounds familiar. He always used to tell me to do things, to the point of an arguement and then when I start, he makes issues out of it. I know that perfectly. You can't win either way...

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • ambroseguy80

      That's exactly how this marriage has been! Damned if I do, and damned if I don't! No-win situation!!! Like this morning... she came to the bedroom while I was getting dressed, saying we are going to need a new pencil sharpener. I recalled recently seeing my four-year old kicking it around the dining room and chastised him for it, and sent him away to watch TV. I mentioned this to her. First "on the dining room floor" was not specific enough for her, so I caught attitude for that. Not like I ******* remember EXACTLY where I saw him stepping on it, you know? But since she wanted an answer, I told her check around the printer. When we go downstairs, she is on her hands and knees looking for it, and begins yelling at ME because "you saw it on the floor and left it there". Now if you only saw our house, you would see that every room practically is cluttered all over the floors, thanks much to an arsenal of sloppy children, but also due to the fact that she does very little housework in her day at home. I eventually saw the pencil sharpener and handed it to her, but did not appreciate being yelled at when I didn't even have to say anything about noticing it recently.

      And she wonders why I have become cagy to the point of saying as little as I have to say anymore!!!

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • soulrunher

      Awww, sounds stressful. Hugs

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • pamelamc

      That sounds exactly like an exchange that would happen at my house. Just throw in the lecture that I'm that I'm not a dumb *** blonde and should "turn my brain on" and remember everything.

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • ambroseguy80

      That's cruel!

      Jan 30
      1 like
    • pamelamc

      Oh yes, I'm very smart (even smarter than him, he claims), so I'm not allowed to forget anything or not know where something is. I'm wasting my God given ability if I don't get a Ph D. Blah, blah, blah....sooooo sick of it!

      Jan 30
      1 like
    6 More Replies