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My Loving Gestures Don't Count!

I'm interested to know what the masses think about my wife's viewpoint of a constant complaint she is bringing up. She is constantly griping about me not showing enough, in the little ways, that I love her. Whenever I try to point out little things that I do do, which usually involves meal preparation or something like that, she will say "well you know I don't really care about _________, show me you love me with something I do appreciate".

I'm sorry, but I think different people show their love in different ways - big and little - and that one should be glad and learn to appreciate the ways the other person TRIES to show it, not taking those for granted and wanting everything to be what you want when you want it.

Every time I cook her eggs specially due to her lactose-intolerant stomach, I do so out of love. Every time I alter my schedule or route because she needs a ride somewhere, I do so out of love. Every time I tend to her needs when she is sick, I do so out of love. Every time I thoughtfully select her favorite things when shopping or buying treats, I do so out of love. Every time I run her to a medical appointment, or get her a prescription she needs, I do so out of love, especially right now while we have no medical coverage. Every time I go out to work, I do so out of love. For some reason, when it benefits more than just her, it doesn't seem to count.

I know what she's getting at.... she points out how she will massage my back or shoulders, or comes out to the kitchen and squeezes my ***, or scratches my back, she's doing it just for me. Fact of the matter is I do some of these things, just not as frequently as she might like. I've also talked incessantly to her every day during my entire lunch hour (she wanted it all) for several years, before frequent arguments during calls, and resulting resentment, made me take some time back for myself. We used to do this waving and blowing kisses thing every day from the street (she was in the house) while I would go off to work, kissed her goodbye every day too. I would still do many of these things if she wasn't constantly questioning my love for her or starting arguments daily.

So let me have it..... are my little actions that might not meet a need that she cares about still worthy gestures? Or am I supposed to go on thinking that what I do just doesn't count?
ambroseguy80 ambroseguy80 46-50, M 20 Responses Jan 30, 2013

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Try reading love languages... Helped my hubby and I, we show it in different ways. Figure out her way and you'll get more bang out of the buck. Wink

Ok so the daily tend to get brushed under the rug. It doesn't mean that they don't come from a good place or that you are not showing a person love but when it happens on a regular basis it tends to feel like normal operating procedure. This doesn't make it right but that happens especially in marriages. You tend to forget about making each other feel special and wanted. No body wants to feel like a person routine they want to feel desired, wanted and needed. This goes both ways though she should be doing the same for you. Sometimes we spend so much time pointing fingers at what a person isn't doing for us that we forget that we are not doing things we should be either. Not sure if that is helpful.

Of course it is. And that's just it. Her ideas of romance are a one-way street.

Romance and team work are totally different things .
Feeling needed and feeling wanted are also completely different things .

Not sure exactly what you are saying here but.... ;)

I'm sure it is good...

Lol . I'm saying that the things we do for our spouse are not romantic . They are done out of love for sure , but they don't make us feel WANTED ! They make us feel needy ?

Some do, some don;t. I mean if he cooks for you and takes care to get it right, that's love and you're wanted. :-)

True . But spending time with them , touching them , making them laugh , does it better !

Well of course it does. But they both count

They do .
But I know what it feels like when someone does everything for you , fixes everything for you , cleans up after you .,, but doesn't just be with you .
It's infuriating .. I'd rather do all that and have him just be in the moment . The nicer he thought he was being .. The more unwanted I felt .

Listen, I'm not going to say that I don't get the distinction, but you are talking to someone who's time is very pressed and her neediness many times makes it even more scarce (my time). I think if we could just make the days longer, we'd be just fine! ;-)

Oh I know that your situation is completely different . I was simply speaking about a difference between feeling needed , and feeling wanted when you talk about romantic jestures .
No one just wants to feel necessary in the relationship .
Hugs A .

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Sweet post. Keep up the good work. People show affection in different ways.

I think those things you do out of love are very sweet. It made me sad though because the things I used to do for my husband and later...I found out he didn't take them that way....tons of little practical things to make his life easier.. better.
Well....now that I'm dating...or was...LOL.
I have gone a lot the other way...not practical. Hot stuff...full on sexy romance. Lingerie, stockings. The works.
Fantasy stuff..and is it ever fun.
I still do practical caring, stuff. That's just me...but the results are way better this way....maybe...try that. I never did. Maybe it would of helped. Maybe not...
Just my thoughts... :)

Great thoughts.... I just need four blindfolds for the existing children! ;-)

P.S. I think it's easy to be impractical and sexy all the time when you're not living together 24-7. the reality of kids and life sets in very quickly, and I think those practical things you did would rate just as highly to me as all of the hot lingerie. I think your ex missed the boat, personally! ;-)

I kinda feel bad...I never did that for the husband...but he never wanted me anyways...so it might not of worked. Lol.
It's true...its hard with kids...we had 3 :) good luck my friend. :)

I feel the same way and started to think what I use to do back in the day....so when my hubby an i were quite into each other, (28 yrs ago) I use to put notes of why I love him into his lunch box - today I send him txts to say that I am thinking of him, now my hubby is not the romantic, touchy feely person but this gives him a smile, now hes not a text expert either but he sends me pictures from emoji keyboard, which tells me he is trying. We still have a long way to go because the kids are adults now and we are trying to find ourselves....going forward in our marriage/relationship because I am getting tired of always feeling rejected and thinking what am I doing in this relationship. Not sure if this is of help.

I'd be happy with just about anything at this point- I think some people just always want more & "some" is never enough... kids take the adult human life out of us (it does me) anyways. I gave my husband all the clues I could give him on what I want/need & he didn't follow suite- so I sit & feel rejected... which I am. So I carry on. My say is to completely throw her for a loop- do the things that you don't do anymore & don't do it because she asked you to or because she wants you to- do it because YOU want to. I think that makes a huge difference... I don't want my husband just doing what I just told him to do it so he can say to himself "Happy *****"?! I want him to think, use his own brain... (I work with all men, I've grown used to knowing what goes on in their heads & it's done more damage than good to my marriage)... Good luck!

Just wondered how are feeling today?

I'm doing pretty well, thank you! Soldiering through I guess you could say....

Yes, they are worthy gestures. Just because she's not feeling them doesn't change the
fact that you're making them. It sounds like maybe she wants to be touched more, physically
I mean? Perhaps you've gotten into a routine, like saying and doing things in the same ways
and she wants something unexpected. Some gesture that is different from the ones she's
become accustomed to. Flowers, a card or a small gift for no particular occasion maybe?
Best of luck to you both.

Thank you, Seanon. I agree, a curveball or a change-up is in order! ;-)

In he beginning of a relationship both man and women are infatuated by one another but as time passes and children arrive and women get older they crave the romance once felt in the beginning....Men seem to fall into routine and be happy there and show their love in wonderful ways but to the women she wants something unexpected and different from her man. Some women can realize this and take into their own hands but others will just complain.. for example......I have been with my man for ten years and I was feeling neglected and bored so I decided to do things to spice it up.. I got a sitter and picked him up from work one night and wore a sun dress with nothing underneath, when I put his hand under my dress the look on his face and his actions satisfied my feelings of being unpretty... I liked the way I felt the next day .... like one hot mama lol.... another time we went through a drive through and as soon as we pulled away from the window I ******** naked.... he nearly rear ended someone..... it isn't about the sex, you might have great sex every time but for me it was his actions the way he looked at me.. like we were younger again and I was sexy. She is craving a feeling she misses... i don't think its you ... i think its her...

Thanks, mh! Yes that makes sense.... Unfortunately she can't drive, and sitters are hard to come by for us! But I loved both of those scenarios you described, and tht is the challenge, to keep things that fresh and exciting through the ":daily humdrum"! Thanks for the feedback, it may be her and not me, but if I can do anything to pull her out of this "feeling unloved" rut she is in, I will try my level best. Thanks again!

my guy sounds similar like he says his actions show his love for me but i am more into traditional romance red roses candy and candlelit dinners but then i realized when he takes time to take me to a movie, shop with me, bring me lunch or let me have the remote control these are his loving gestures not hollywood movie romance like i described ,rather, the simple everyday things i on way too many occasions fail to notice...

But you are noticing more and more... that's a good start! And maybe he can read the 5 languages book to try to satisfy your romance better?

For me .. the little things count in a bigger way than grand gestures. I'd much rather have my husband bring in the washing for me without me asking him to than have him arrive home with a big bunch of flowers. It all adds up and at the end of the day, if he has helped by doing a few small jobs that I had intended to do .. it just means I get to relax 10 minutes earlier!

This is much more my speed! I should have married someone who 'speaks my language'. ;-)

Not always easy to know if they are speaking your language at the beginning ... and sometimes it changes part way in to a relationship :(

That's what I was thinking! I would never have known... what ******* said that marriage should be for life?! Lol

One that wasn't married already!

LMAO! Toooo true! ;-)

She thinks like you do, so take heart! You were doing good things. Just try to figure out what things your wife thinks are loving gestures and do those:)

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Check out the I live in a sexless marriage group.

WHy?! Sexless does not describe my marriage....

You sure make me remember why I don't miss marriage.

LMAO!!!! I am so jaded right now. I really don't know if I will ever be able to "start anew" if things always go back to this....

I jus thated the obligatgion going both ways and I couldn't stand the constant disapproval and trying to pretzel up. Be yourself Ambrose if that doesnt work - well then

I know Jen. I really don't know what more I could do.... ???

Your love language is obviously "acts of service", which is great! but we often have different languages, maybe her is "words of affirmation" or "gifts". My husband does a lot of little things around the house for me but what i need is communication and positive input...Maybe you can look a little closer or perhaps just ask her? Good Job anyway!! You are to be commended on trying to find the answer :)

Thanks! Sadly I have a suspicion that she is 'quality time' from the way she always complains about her Dad never being there for her and her sister. I say sadly because time is the one thing thst I can scarcely spare, doing work, going for my Master's degree (with her blessing and encouragement I might add), and being. Husband and father of four..... I'm screwed! Lol

I think that the advice that was given bout doin things differently every other week is sound advice cause I don't know about ur wife but half the time I can't remember to pick up garbage bags while I'm out but if my husband kisses me differently I can tell u every different style of kissing he has and when and where we kiss and if its something he's willing to and if he's ever done it that way ect ect ect, u get my point women remember cause that is super importand cause every woman wants to feel wanted and needed and if u can tell her how much u need her cause without her u would b lost even if that's not the case I know I like to know I offer my man something that the younger versions can't!! Insecurity comes in all different shapes and sizes and packages so mayb try just lettin her know something like... " babe thank god I married you cause you should see half the women that were at the grocery store, they all looked line trained hookers that worked at the circus after they left Jerry springer "" lol it's just an example and I hope it made u smile for a second but I think u catch what I'm saying hehehe

Yes, I'm laughing my *** off at you! Thanks for your perspective. I also thought that advice about different approaches was interesting....

Well as a woman that now stays home ( I've always had a job or 2 :) ) but now I'm home with some medical issues and I've got 2 kids and one who is hearing impaired so leaving him with just anybody isn't happening so I get the whole babysitter issues. Now, because I'm at home I believe I should b doin the blunt of the housework however kids and ole man shouldn't go out of their way to make those jobs harder. Also, when a man has worked all day I firmly believe he needs time to adjust from work mode to home mode so pouncing on them about a bunch of little things that could obviously wait doesn't do anything but annoy him and the wife.. Furthermore your wife isn't to depressed to play computer games or snack or whatever so it seems like the depression is selective when it comes to her and work almost as if she's allergic lol sorry that was probably a little rude. But seriously if she's questioning u bout how u feel about her cause your not showing it enuf it could be coming from her own insecurities cause she knows what kind of man she married, are u a sexual man that needs sex often? If so if she's sick chances r she's got a reason why u guys ain't havin sex on the regular but then she holds it against u like u must b gettin it elsewhere if she can't provide it. Now I'm not saying she does that it just sounds like something that would happen considering I'm a woman and I've seen these situations a 100 times. And perhaps u should show her all the comments u post bout her. There is plenty and u always speak highly of her other then voicing ur concerns an mayb if she reads what someone else thinks of the way she treats u it might make her mad for a second but it will stay in her mind and that might b just what u need to get her act right lol sometimes ppl just need to b reminded that you could leave now I'm not saying u would or that u even want to but havnt u ever notices ppl tend to show more affection if they think its walkin out the door? Lol hope this helps even just a little

Can't argue with a thing you've said.... except I'm not the more sexual one, she is..........

I recommend you both read the book "the five love languages". Each of us has different ways we show and perceive love being shown to us. If you figure out what each other's love languages are you can be sure to do little things for each other in their "love language".

Yes, someone else mentioned that below. I have the Amazon page open right now, and all I need to do is click "order". Thanks for the recommendation.

Sorry for the redundancy, I didn't read all of the comments below. The book would be very helpful in your situation that you describe here. It's a quick read with a quiz you can each take that helps you figure out how you prefer to receive and perceive love and loving gestures. Good luck!

Thanks! Don't apologize! I do the same stuff...... it's hard to read down so far when you feel you want to say something. :-) I ordered it, along with another book for myself that someone recommended to me a few days ago, that's what was holding me up. lol

I guess the problem is that I never viewed different languages of love. I was brought up in a very asexual environment, so I easily see the "non-sexual" love in just about any action. So it's more of my problem to work on, but it's cool that both of us can participate if she wants to after I am done. If anything, seeing your comment was a nice confirmation of the book. Thanks again!

Hello Ambroseguy80. I read your story and felt I needed to chime in. Your wife is a stay at home partner I gather? So yeah, doing the stuff you see as out of love she sees as just helping her out. She's given you PDA and you say that it's not something you do all the time. I get that - I like to give my husband's butt a spank and I give him a cuddle quite a bit. Of course he's a guy and says he wants to "plunder my booty" ;) as his way of showing affection. But if we want to pamper, we both agreed that it would be us going to dinner and a movie or a couple's massage. Maybe something like that would be good? It doesn't have to be expensive at all; but you will most likely have to get a babysitter!

LOL about the babysitter! Well, yes, but she would not be the dinner type. We rented a room by the hour for our anniversary, and she loved that. Sadness was, next day she was right back into her awful thought mode. I wrote a story about that too... I'm trying! Thanks Spirit!

May I ask what does she do all day and how old are the children?

Ha!!! Well she watches a lot of TV. Kelly and Michael, Rachel Ray... then she might wash some dishes or do some light picking up, or she may hop on the computer and play Farmville instead. Then she goes to get our 4 y/o from pre-school, gets him lunch, talks to me on lunch, then I guess she might do some laundry or watch TV, or computer. Trust me, we have talked about how little she does, and it never gets me anywhere with her. I have given up on that one...

I was the same until i really sat down and had a deep conversation with my husband. The kids needed routine(I also had four) they needed chores and I had to manage my time better. A messy home is UN-acceptable. I was feeling over-whelmed and griped at my husband all day about how its what HE is not doing! I CONTRIBUTED PLENTY to our way of showing affection. Once everything is in place and kids settled the both of you will have time to show each other in different ways your love. you must have a conversation about how the changes she needs from can be met but you also require some change on her part. Our brains and minds can spoil our moods and reactions to one another.

To work and go to school and come home to a mess and kids running a muck is a turn off and the mindset is why bother! I believe a man would be more affectionate and appreciative to his woman if his time away is missed and that when his day is done he comes into a nice cozy welcoming clean home where he can relax and unwind. Spend some time with his children have dinner and then settle the kids in by 8pm by 9pm it is our time. what you guys do with that time is where it counts.

these are just a few suggestions to try
when she goes to have a shower; quietly join her not with sex immediately on your mind but when she asks what are you doing? ask her if she would like for you to wash her back and do so sensually with your hands not a wash cloth lol. lather your hands and run them in a massaging manner over her back but don't stop there massage her thighs her legs her neck see where it leads.

while watching TV or a movie have her lay with her head on your lap and gently pass your hand over her hair softly. or rest her feet on your lap and massage her legs
when she wants to complain grab and kiss her tell her everything is going to alright.
as she is about to pass you by give her little love tap on her rear end or grab and just her on the neck. little things mean a lot.
flirt with her like you use to.

never rent an hourly hotel room do over night it doesn't have to be a four star motel and come prepared with body oil, blind folds, wine and rose pedals. side note rose pedals and sweaty bodies stain the sheets; have fun with it.

maybe it's just me but these are the things that open my mind to show him how much I love and appreciate him as a man , a husband, a provider, and a father.
I miss my mushy husband our issues now are that all these gadgets and electronics have his attention most of the time these days. I have had several fits and slowly but surely he is coming back reality so I am staying encouraged and you should too!

Good Luck

All great tips... thank you! Problem with the overnight hotel is that we have virtually NO SITTERS thanks to unsupportive families and friends who always want you to watch their kids, but when you want them to watch yours it's "let me check my schedule", and then let time go by while they find something to do so they won't be able to watch your kids. Thanks again! :-)

Four is a lot for one person to watch all try splitting them up. you make the arrangements not her and explain to the person you are asking childcare from that you need a reply right away and that you want to surprise her so they shouldn't mention it to her. but most definitely jump in on her shower : )

LOL... not sure how I missed this, despair. Good ideas again! :-)

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This is a great post. I think you do show you care and I for one would appreciate any of those things you do, but I get nothing so maybe Im not the one to ask! LOL I see her point though that if everything you do is for her and the family, it is different than when you do something just for her... we do separate those things. I see both of your points here. But seeing as how she is always questioning your love try and throw something just for her in there and see what happens. Won't hurt.

Yes, it's true. Sometimes having four kids can make the "all for one" mentality take over, and I do appreciate that difference! I would love to try more things just for her, but like I tell her, I can't make more time in the day, as our lives with four children are so frazzled at times! I wish I could just sit around and think of ways to romance her like I used to. She's not high-maintenance, materialistically speaking, but she is high-maintenance with time consumption, and between work and doing college, and also picking up things she failed to get done all day while depressed leaves little time left over for romancing. Thanks for your input, {{{souly}}}

I get that, I can't imagine 4 kids. You are right. Maybe just a verbal thing at night...something small?

AFTER I lay the boys down and get them settled down and sleeping, I report to our bed every night to say goodnight to her and have a little conversation. Oftentimes, this turns into another frustrating conversation about how unhappy she is - and oftentimes it holds me back from getting to my college work (which, by the way, she encouraged me to undertake, and at the time I wondered if time would be an issue later - it was and is!

That sounds familiar. He always used to tell me to do things, to the point of an arguement and then when I start, he makes issues out of it. I know that perfectly. You can't win either way...

That's exactly how this marriage has been! Damned if I do, and damned if I don't! No-win situation!!! Like this morning... she came to the bedroom while I was getting dressed, saying we are going to need a new pencil sharpener. I recalled recently seeing my four-year old kicking it around the dining room and chastised him for it, and sent him away to watch TV. I mentioned this to her. First "on the dining room floor" was not specific enough for her, so I caught attitude for that. Not like I ******* remember EXACTLY where I saw him stepping on it, you know? But since she wanted an answer, I told her check around the printer. When we go downstairs, she is on her hands and knees looking for it, and begins yelling at ME because "you saw it on the floor and left it there". Now if you only saw our house, you would see that every room practically is cluttered all over the floors, thanks much to an arsenal of sloppy children, but also due to the fact that she does very little housework in her day at home. I eventually saw the pencil sharpener and handed it to her, but did not appreciate being yelled at when I didn't even have to say anything about noticing it recently.

And she wonders why I have become cagy to the point of saying as little as I have to say anymore!!!

Awww, sounds stressful. Hugs

That sounds exactly like an exchange that would happen at my house. Just throw in the lecture that I'm that I'm not a dumb *** blonde and should "turn my brain on" and remember everything.

That's cruel!

Oh yes, I'm very smart (even smarter than him, he claims), so I'm not allowed to forget anything or not know where something is. I'm wasting my God given ability if I don't get a Ph D. Blah, blah, blah....sooooo sick of it!

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