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"If It Weren't For You" Game Analysis

(2 Handed Game)

Roles:  Domineering Husband (Action/metaphorically--back hand to wife)
               Restricted Wife (Response/metaphorically--kick in the knee back at husband)
           
Thesis: (Reassurance) "It's not that I am afraid, it's just that he won't let me." (Vindication) "It's not that I'm not trying, it's just that he holds me back."

The CHILD EGO in women are attracted to controlling and/or domineering men because they want to have intimate relations with a man that will keep them safe from things that they are afraid of. This game is also played by women who suffer from alternate perceptions or unrealistic opinions because of their difficulty in keeping their ADULT EGO in charge during situations of strong temptations.

The dynamic in this game is that the husband is actually performing a very real service for his wife by forbidding her to do something that she is deeply afraid of and he is trying to prevent her from actually becoming aware of her fears.

In the midst of the game, his prohibitions and her complaints lead to fighting. The couple doesn't have much in common anymore besides their children and their household responsibilities, so their fighing is an important event to them. This fighting proves to the wife that she was right all along and that men are mean."  The wife feels freedom OUTSIDE of the house, but inside the house she feels the pressure of being FORCED into her behavior and decisions.  If counseling is introduced, the man starts to feel unsure about himself and learns to be a little more indulgent at the hands of his own guilt.

 
On the flip side--by giving into her husband's authority it keeps the wife from experiencing her fears. At the same time it satisfies her masochistic needs, if she has any. In a way, it excites her to be deprived and dominated. Also, by being compliant it gives the wife priviledge in saying "If It Weren't For Him" to all of her lady friends in her social circle. "If It Weren't For You/Him" is a social game. Note: If a wife has alot of friends who also share the same experience with her and an outside friend joins the group and she has no such issue's with her husband, then she will not last long in that circle. Like only attracts like in this social game.

Wife's role using the (petulant) CHILD EGO state or the (prudent) ADULT EGO state "It's best that I do what he says."
Husband's role using the ADULT EGO state "It's best that YOU do as I say"--or the PARENT EGO state "YOU better do what I say."

Antithesis: Find a new spouse and/or let the wife do as she pleases and let her learn the hard way.



OneVoice36 OneVoice36 36-40, F 5 Responses Dec 27, 2010

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Yes'sir, I am glad that I shared it because it should bring some peace to the men that are thinking it's their fault. It's NOT/WASN'T their fault! :)

You are absolutely right in that it serves a benefit to the woman socially. She actually gains friends, care, support and sympathy while continuing in this lifestyle.

You have a good point frostmaiden. THAT'S why I don't jump into relationships. I will bend a little by taking one for the team but I won't break myself over it either. It does go both ways. Thanks for pointing that out.

Thank you. :) I know all the psychological games. It's was completely fascinating when I learned about them and thought back upon all the conversation that they were used that I witnessed and see them at face value.

Cool, never heard of this game. When did you get into Transaction Analysis?

like your thought process it can also be called "THE EXCUSE WHY I CAN@T DO IT" syndrome