Premonitions Of Love

I'm that kid. The kid that sits alone at lunch. The one others refuse to talk to because they think you're weird. After 10 long school years of dealing with sadistic children and teenagers I finally worked up the courage to attempt to make friends, or at least a friend. You know what, now that I'm thinking about it I don't even think anything courageous was bottled up inside me and ready to explode. It was probably more likely that I grew numb to rejection in my self created world of solitude. It's sad to say, but me growing old without any friends is a fine example of the inevitable. My junior year in high school I finally escaped the barrier of being alone, so I thought at the time. I'm going to assume it started in Mrs. Hanelys class, because she was the only teacher that made everyone stand up on the first day of class to introduce themselves. I remember the day like it was yesterday, although I continuously try to keep it in the back of my mind. I waited impatiently, but not in a good way, for my turn to come around when I would stand up to introduce myself. I just wanted the whole thing to be over and done with. My leg bounced up and back down to the ground repeatedly while I kept my head down and gazed deeply into a hard wooded desk. All I could think about was how others were going to view me. Would they make fun of me because I struggled with acne? Would they ridicule me because my parents couldn't afford to buy me name brand clothing? Before I knew it, it was my turn. I stood up thinking to myself, if anybody dares make fun of me I'm going to shout back and make a name for myself as the crazy kid. I think it was just a way of coping with my fears, because I'm definitely not the fighting type. After I stated my name and where I was from, and a hobby of mine, I sat back down. Only this time when I sat it felt like I was in a completely different world. It was a cold and dark world where everyone looked the same, did the same things, and if you weren't like them you were bound to be noticed. And if you were brought to attention it wouldn't be long before you took your last breath. However at the time, taking my last breath just worked its way onto my wish list. I was positive my cover was blown and I had been noticed as the odd man out for sure. I quickly poked my head around the classroom to see if anybody was starring at me. To my surprise it seemed as if nobody even knew I was there. Yes, I know it's ironic, I should be used to that feeling by now. Once Mrs. Hanelys class let out I worked my way over to my next class where I would soon meet my best friend, Jimmy. I was changing into my P.E. clothes when a kid from Mrs. Hanelys class approached me. He asked if it was true that I enjoyed skateboarding as a hobby. I answered back happily. All I could think about at the time was "holy moly is this really happening!" I couldn't unearth the fact that I was finally making a friend. Only one hour ago the possibility of that seemed impossible. Before I knew it I was acting like a normal kid. Hanging out after school, getting into trouble, and just being normal! Little did I know, I was soon to be back into a world of abnormality, ridicule, and solitude. After the first semester of school my best friend and my only friend moved across the country. Go figure, you can't send a kid who can't swim into the water and expect him to live. My last year of high school was miserable. Needless to say I made no friends and ended up dropping out when I turned seventeen, which was the beginning of my senior year. I didn't drop out because I was lazy, and I didn't drop out because it was hard. I left school behind because I couldn't take the idea of waking up every morning and having to worry about another two hundred fourty five days of solitude. Most people now days say things like "man, I wish I could go back to my high school days". Well I don't. I'm glad I dropped out, as pathetic as it may seem it's true. Soon after I dropped out I went and received my G.E.D. right away so I can start working. Another 6 months go by and I feel like a man. I'm bringing in a weekly paycheck and I'm taking on my responsibilities as an adult now. Not to mention I just started talking to a wonderful girl that I met online. A girl who would soon change my life forever. It seems as if the world of solitude has thrown me out of its pit. Ever since I made school a thing of the past fortune has just been flying my way. I'm working and I've met an absolutely wonderful, and truly to-die-for girl. On my 18th birthday my parents bought me a car. Around that same time was my one year anniversary with the girl of my dreams. So what did I do? I took that car of mine and drove to California. During my stay in California I asked her to marry me. I know, I know, I'm young and I haven't even tried all the candy on the shelf yet. But you know something, I wasn't naive or oblivious to anything. I knew there was more candy available to me, possibly even better tasting candy, but I loved this one and wasn't giving it up for the world. This was going to be the best piece I grabbed and I was determined to keep it close to me until death do us part. Her and I received criticism from everyone, parents and all, and it only brought us closer together. After some time the physical distance between us really started to take its toll. After all, we did meet online and lived 260 miles apart from one another. It wasn't me though, it was her. She became really distant, emotionally. It was unusual and very easy to detect. When we firt met we talked for 14 hours straight! I got that feeling that I've known her for longer than I actually had. The next morning I woke to check my email to see if she had messaged me, and I happened to galnce out the window. All I could see were songbirds sitting on the white picked fence and shouting the word "Soulmate!". Everything I could possibly hear or see, such as songs on the radio and signs to the side of the road, seemed to have an explicable relevance to my love life. I would awake every morning thereafter with something to look forward to. There was absolutely nothing in this world that would tear me down. I was convinced that I was the most fortunate and happiest man alive at the time. She was the one I always dreamed of, and I know she felt the exact same way about me. So for her to become distant I knew something was wrong. After living nearly two years as a faithful and happy boyfriend I was determined to fix whatever was going on between us. Another day goes by, only this time I awake with a terrible nightmare. I had dreamt a very vivid dream of her not wanting to be with me anymore. It seemed as if the woman in my nightmare was expressing some sort of hatred for me. All I could see was a womans hand holding up a picture of the love of my life and I, and cutting out my face. Worried and frantic I called just to get reassurance she still loved me. I know it sounds silly, but this nightmare had felt sureal. I called her and asked if "we" were ok. She responded in these exact words; "Mike, I don't know if I want to be in a relationship right now". From that point forward I was so lost. My world of love, bright colors, and fortune came to a crashing halt, and this ugly darkness came over me. I couldn't see and became lost very quickly. That same day I wanted to leave work to go to California in an attempt to work things out between us. However, my boss said if I left I'd lose my job. I didn't think twice before jumping onto the Fifteen Southbound. Once I got there I pleaded with her and all she could say to me was; "go home, Mike". I never received a valid reason for the sudden break-up. I got no closure what so ever. I quit my job, borrowed money for gas, drove four hours, and just about destroyed the engine on my beater of a car to go and see her that day. When I got home I tried calling her, and to my surprise she changed her number. I emailed her but received nothing but failure to deliver notices. I was close to her parents so when I got the chance to return to California I paid them a visit. They had told me she moved to Washington state, her home town. From that point to this day and forward, I will never have closure to the reasons of why this love of mine was lost. I guess it's true what they say. "There's a fine line between love and hate".
MikeWilliams1991 MikeWilliams1991
18-21, M
May 24, 2012