Well

as long as i'm getting some now and then. if i wasn't getting any i would hate it with a fiery passion

ihaveanameitsrick ihaveanameitsrick
46-50, M
26 Responses Feb 19, 2009

but dont give up ok??

i have several applications in at local companies but i live in michigan and nobody is hiring.

You can still do these things Rick. Yes, you may have to work around your schedule, but service clubs like Rotary, etc. exist in every major city. <br />
<br />
More importantly, though, is if your job is holding you back, then perhaps it's time to find a new career. Sure, that's a huge step, but others have done it. You can find a job driving a local route where you're home every night (I know truck drivers who do this), for instance, or some other job where you can still use your CDL. Is it possible you will make less money? Certainly...but money doesn't equal happiness. <br />
<br />
The bottom line is, as long as you continue to make excuses for yourself, nothing will ever change. But maybe that's how you want it.

i know this is something most people don't understand or truly comprehend (and some like enna just didn't know) but i am a truckdriver i work 3 weeks away from home then i get 2 sometimes 3 days off during which time i have to visit family take care of business such as paying bills depositing paychecks in the bank and any other business that requires my presence then if i have time i have a girlfriend and 2 old friends that i like to visit with. volunteering, joining support groups, going to any kind of clubs and hobbies are things that to me are just dreams. my life consists of the cab of a truck 2 seats and a bed. the closest thing i have to a hobby is listening to music and getting on here and annoying people LOL

I have read all above and to be frank all that has been said here you must already know. You remind me of so many others, I have known over the years, who actually wallow in a veiled trough of self pity. It is a perpetual, maybe subsconscious game on your part, a constant cry for help while knowing full well what it takes to cure your ills. <br />
<br />
The very fact that you can describe the symptoms is half way to the cure. The other half of the cure is an implementation of action.<br />
<br />
You seek others so they may reassure you. You lean on others and revel in attention that being an introvert somehow gets you., You blame others for your present condition . This, rather than realizing all cures start from within and it takes action and courage to change. Bemoaning your fate here or elsewhere will not change your life no one has the capacity to change it but you.<br />
<br />
I know that this may sound terribly harsh to you and I sincerely apologize for having to sound so, but your story is not new to me and still fails to ring true.

Rick, everyone has crises of confidence. Even the most confident among us and the most extroverted have times when they feel awkward, clumsy, foolish and they agonise over saying the wrong things.<br />
<br />
You make a good point about psychologists, but fallentower is right. It is worth trying to find one you really connect with - and even if you can only afford to see them irregularly, it is worth it.<br />
<br />
Other things you could consider:<br />
<br />
joining a group like Toastmasters who teach you public speaking - might sound scary but is very good for lots of people<br />
<br />
joining a service club (not sure what you have in the USA - here we have Rotary International, Lions; Apex and others) and taking an active role in their activities. Working with others for a common goal takes the emphasis off you and helps you find like minded friends. (Lots of women belong to these organisations now too!)<br />
<br />
become a volunteer for a charity that appeals to you - helping others less fortunate is a great way to be less self focussed AND to feel good about what you are doing<br />
<br />
join a class in your local Community College (that is what we call them here in OZ - do you have the same where you are??) that seems appropriate. Here in Australia there are always HEAPS of classes on self awareness, self development, etc. The good thing is you meet others "in the same boat". You will feel less self conscious with others like yourself.<br />
<br />
Join a support group - you can find out about these from local agencies. Here in Oz we'd ask our local health service or local municipal council where we could find out about such groups.<br />
<br />
Do you have a hobby or interest? By joining a group of people interested in the same things you can also find like minded friends.<br />
<br />
The WORST things to do!! IMHO!! (smile)<br />
<br />
go to parties<br />
<br />
go to pubs or night clubs<br />
<br />
do nothing!!<br />
<br />
IMHO all the above are guaranteed to make you feel inadequate, self conscious and a failure!! Don't go there!!<br />
<br />
I know I sound like an Agony Aunt!! Please forgive me! Just want you to believe what we are telling you -<br />
only YOU can make a difference and to do so, you have to DO something!!<br />
<br />
Every best wish.

only problem is the small victories are surrounded by so many failures in my life that they fade from memory pretty quickly.

Well, then, you're making progress. Don't get discouraged because you don't get it right the first, second, or tenth time you try. Learn from your mistakes, and watch what others do, and learn from that. <br />
<br />
The most important thing is to keep trying, and to gain confidence from those small victories. Keep at it!

its funny though i have tried to train myself to appear more confident. i try to keep my head up instead of staring at the floor (which i have gotten much better at) and i try to sit up straight instead of slouching which is something i used to do trying to avoid being noticed. i have even tried to join in conversations in public situations but that still generally goes poorly. i tend to say stupid things most of the time

Rick, even going once a month can help. It'll take longer to make progress, but it will still make a difference. I think that you recognize (rightly so) that only you can fix the problem; psychologists and friends can help, but only YOU can make the changes that will really help you. You have to be willing to work on yourself, both physically and mentally, if you want things to change. I never said it would be easy...but it can be done. Trust me, I know...because I've done it myself.

no don't misunderstand fallentower i wasn't referring to others when i called it a ***** session i was referring to the comment you made about "continued bitching" LOL which in all fairness you are totally correct about feeling sorry for myself will not fix anything. as i said though i don't think the psych's can fix anything either especially in my situation. going once a month (if i'm lucky) is not enough and i the only way i could go more often would be to quit my job and then i would have no way to pay them LOL

Psychologists (and psychiatrists) can be hit or miss. It's not that they are quacks, Rick, but more that you have to find one you can establish a rapport with. And when it comes to talk therapy, the reality is, you have to give it time. Yes, you'll feel worse at first, because you're reliving all of the bad things you're talking about...but over time, that passes, and you start to feel better, because you are talking about all of this stuff, and getting it off your chest. <br />
<br />
And I don't see this as being a ***** session but rather, an attempt by a number of people to help you. See the glass as half-full, not half-empty!

this didn't start out to be a ***** session LOL<br />
<br />
i have been to a psychologist (2 of them actually) and they are quacks in my opinion. the only thing they were worried about was reminding to pay the secretary on the way out. neither of them offered any advice at all and rarely said anything. i would spend an hour sitting there talking and by the end i would leave feeling worse than i did when i went in to the office LOL<br />
<br />
i have confronted my father after many years of not seeing him at all and to his credit he has changed somewhat. he no longer belittles people (at least not me anyway maybe he's afraid of me now i'm bigger than he is now LOL). he and i get along reasonably well now. By the way the thought of me being a father is just.......scary dude LOL i'm way too immature to be a father but i make a pretty good uncle :-)

There is always self love Rick :-) I'll watch! hehehe! ~wink~

Rick, as long as you keep saying, "I can't", then of course you're right - it will never happen. But the fact is, people improve themselves every day, and your situation is far from unique. But hey, if you want to keep wallowing in your own ****, far be it from me to stop you. <br />
<br />
I know I'm not the first person to tell you this on this site, either. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps if you want your life to be better; continued bitching won't change a thing!

Yes, I think you've nailed down the reasons pretty well. Only thing is, I suspect your father was NOT really confident - bullies (and he sounds like a bully - sorry!) actually LACK self confidence and try to make up for it by doing exactly what you describe above.<br />
<br />
This bullying can have a devastating effect on anyone's confidence - especially that of spouse and children. I really feel for you.<br />
<br />
<br />
Also fallentower is absolutely correct! Confidence can be faked! Believe me, it sounds crazy but it is true!! If you fake being confident, you seem confident to others. They treat you as a confident person. This in turn actually DOES make you TRULY more confident!!<br />
<br />
Why would you fake it? well, if it helps you to become a truly more confident person, it is worth it.<br />
<br />
As nailed down said, wew weren't (or aren't) all confident - we've learnt to be. And most of us have areas in our lives (such as personal relationships) where we still lack confidence.<br />
<br />
You are probably too young to remember the old song from the musical"The King and I" which goes "Whenever I feel afraid, I hold myself erect and whistle a happy tune, so no-one will suspect I'm afraid"!!!<br />
<br />
It is a good philosophy!! Best of luck!

i think it is something that was instilled in them by family when they were very young. i had a father who was/is confident in himself but tended to drag those around him down by berating them and making them feel inadequate and i had a mother who had/has pretty serious lack of confidence herself so i was not really brought up in a household where confidence was strived for i wouldn't know how to be confident if someone forced it on me.

Enna, you're right on the mark. You said what I was trying to say, but better. Thanks!

Hi Rick,<br />
<br />
You make a lot of sense about confidence. But believe me, you CAN learn to be confident. How? Seek out a good psychologist and have sessions with that person. You will learn SO much about yourself - why you are the way you are; why you do the things you do.<br />
<br />
A good psychologist can really help you to rediscover the person you can be.<br />
<br />
It is a myth that people only need a psychologist if they are suffering mentally in some way. <br />
<br />
You sound like a very sweet man and I KNOW there are women out there who would LOVE to love you!!<br />
<br />
Every best wish.

Rick, confidence is a learned trait. Do you think every confident person was always so confident? Like trust, it is something which is built up over time. It doesn't happen overnight.

i have heard many confident people say that you can learn to be confident LOL i would love to know how you can believe in yourself if you are not already reasonably confident in yourself? talk about not making sense LOL

Rick, as long as you continue to talk yourself down, you're right - your chances are poor. Women sense confidence (or a lack thereof), and what you need to do is believe in yourself. Confidence is it's own aphrodisiac, regardless of your outward appearance. And self-confidence is something anyone can learn, simply be believing in themselves.

i know my chances are not good as i am not able to approach women with anything resembling confidence so, unless one approaches me and thinks shy and nervous is cute my chances are not very good LOL

No, I think what you're saying is you would hate the lack of sex. And how does "not having sex", translate into "no hope of every having sex"? How did you make that leap of logic?

i would hate it because i would be depressed wanting something i couldn't have and had no hope of getting

You would hate something that you wanted to get? That doesn't make much sense to me....