Shyness And Me...

When i was growing up beneath the four walls of the big palatial house there were few people i could actually interact with. So my world revolved around this people until i got a lift to the hell and that's a different story altogether. I was a shy kid...as far as i can remember. i was painfully silent most of the time. i had a fear if i said something wrong i would be despised by my people (read aunt and uncle). So i observed a lot.I liked to sit next to a window and look at the street people...i always felt we human beings are so awkward when we walk alone on the street idly.Sometimes it used to rain and i would take out my hand from the window and feel the rain drops...i was not allowed to go out of the house gates and play with the other children...and somehow i liked my loneliness and i knew how people behave when they are alone with you. When there was a guest in the family it was an awkward moment for me ...i would peek out at him/her from the curtain if the door that divides the living room from the bedroom and i would spell put my name and try to smile...i think i was a kid with no smile. there was nothing around me to smile....people were busy...shouting ,complaining,watching TV,in their rooms. I used to be overwhelmed if someone shook hands with me and did not know hat to do next...i wanted to tell every guest who came to meet me that i was lonely and if they can take me to a better place than this...but my quietness made them think otherwise. My maternal grandfather was the only source of happiness at that time. Even though he passed away when i was 9 i still feel he looks after me from the sky and bless me.
I want to share a small incident here ----


There was fair in the town...fair means the fun fair with many stalls placed all around a field and there were so many colorful things...dolls,toy guns,balloons,clothes and all stuff. it was evening and i went with my grandfather to buy something nice for myself. He knew loved dolls...and he was the only who has ever asked me in my whole life if i liked something in the shop and i can get that.and so i saw a doll it was not exactly a doll but a clown...i liked it because of the colours on his body and his smile...and i told my grandfather that i wanted that toy. he asked the shopkeeper for he price and it cost around 100 bucks and my grandfather did not have much money and so he asked me to get something else and got me a doll with yellow hair and blue frock. i did not like the toy much but i took it gratefully and we were walking home. i remember i talked with him all the way home and asked him many silly questions. once back at home i started playing with my doll and he asked me if i am sad because i did not get the clown toy and i said no. and he had tears in his eyes... i was confused. somehow i felt it was not right.he was an old man...sick and always in bed and because the younger members did not take me out to the fair he walked all the way to make me happy. i was crushed. and then i thought i will never ask anything from anyone. life is **** sometimes....and since then i used to get uncomfortable if i get gifts. my ex bf hated me when i said no whenever he wanted to get me something.... i felt anything for me will be too expensive for me. i dont know...i have so much to learn and some day i will have a husband and he will get me stuff...and it will be overwhelming.i have this low feeling of myself that any money spent on me by other is not right. no wonder i get my own stuff...or is it ego? i think i need to let go of some hard feelings. i still feel shy when someone asks me if want anything...impulsively i take out my purse. :( i pay bills for my date dinner or split the money...and i know i am not like other women. i hope its not a prob for men if i dont let them pay for me as a whole as i am a lil weird and i feel shy when someone offers to do something for me. its not right.
wingsgirl wingsgirl
22-25, F
1 Response May 18, 2012

You feel as if you're not worthy? That's not true. If someone wants to give you something, allow them the opportunity. They can make the decision as to whether they can afford it. My first thought as to to tears in your grandfather's eyes is different from yours. Maybe he felt bad because he couldn't afford to get his precious grand daughter the doll that she really wanted. That's not your fault. He loved you that much. People do things for us because of desire not obligation. Who are we to deny them the opportunity? I hope this comes across as it was intended and that's as a positive message for you about you.