Love The Addiction!

I tried my first cigarette at 8 years old. I recall being very excited seeing pictures of beautiful women smoking in magazine ads. I realize now that that was the start of my lifelong smoking fetish. To this day I love watching beautiful girls and women smoke. I remember the first time I inhaled like it was yesterday. I was 13 and home alone and went out to our workshop with a pack of Benson and Hedges that I had 'borrowed'. I had been thinking about smoking all day- secretly sucking on my pencil like it was a cigarette at school. The anticipation was overwhelming. I lit up and without planning it, or thinking about it, I inhaled. What a rush! I was amazed to see the smoke being breathed out. And the feeling, the taste- exquisite! I smoked the whole cigarette, inhaling deeply every time. And then I had another! No coughing, no sickness, just a little dizzy. I was instantly addicted. And loved it! Up until this point, I had only ever puffed and blown the smoke out. I suppose that along the way I must have been breathing a little smoke in, conditioning my lungs for the big event, but I don't recall ever seeing or feeling an exhale. I continued smoking secretly, never in public or with the few friends I had that smoked. Everyone would have been shocked- I wasn't 'the type'. I didn't get caught smoking until I was 15. My mother had left her smokes on the kitchen counter when she left the room with a cigarette in her hand. I hadn't had a cigarette since before school in the bathroom and was dying for one. I liberated one from her pack, grabbed her lighter and lit up. Thought I had enough time to light up and slip out back before she came back into the room. I figured she wouldn't notice the smoke from 'my' cigarette. I got busted! Mom came back into the kitchen and caught me redhanded. She was pissed. She said she knew someone was stealing her cigarettes and asked how long I had been smoking. I told her I had just started and was only experimenting. I was told to sit down and smoke. I wanted to just take a small drag and blow it out but was so nervous I took a pretty large drag and inhaled! As I exhaled, Mom said ' yeah right'. She told me to finish the cigarette and as I tentatively smoked I got ' the lecture'. She concluded by saying that if I was going to continue smoking to buy my own and stop stealing hers. Perfect! I had just essentially been given permission to smoke! I asked if she was going to tell Dad- she said of course. Despite having married a smoker, my Dad hated smoking. He would be so disappointed and angry. I begged Mom not to say anything and swore I would stop if she said nothing. She did say she'd think about it and told me to go to my room. Well, soon as Dad came home she told him. Man, did I get a lecture! Dad threatened to make me quit my job at a local burger joint and grounded me for a month. I swore I would quit! And I did! For two days! That weekend was hell! Mom said I 'didn't look well' and asked if I 'needed some medicine' as she felt my forehead. She knew I was in withdrawal! I said I was fine and to leave me alone. Monday, I caught the bus to school. It felt like my whole body was crawling. By lunch time I couldn't take it anymore- I walked to the farthest store from school, allowing time to get back before class, bought a pack of Benson and Hedges, a lighter and some mints. I smoked two on the walk back. Sheer bliss! God, the relief! It was like my whole body was being kissed by angels! I have never quit since then but always smoked alone and never heavily. My wife doesn't even know I smoke! As the years have gone by, my smoking has gradually increased and so has my displeasure at being a closet smoker. It's crazy, really- I love everything about smoking except being in the closet. There have been so many times when I just wanted to say to hell with it and just confess my love and addiction to smoking. But... I always back off at the last minute So, I have come up with a plan and have been actively working on it. The plan is to build my addiction to the point where I have no choice but to smoke, regardless of who's around or where I am. I have increased my smoking to a pack a day and often chain smoke. I can feel the the difference and love it. The need to smoke constantly is becoming overwhelming! Its heavenly! I am getting so totally addicted! I love chain smoking 3, 4 in a row- sometimes more. The ' need', I hope, will soon overwhelm my fear of just confessing to everyone that I am a committed smoker who loves the intense feelings of being heavily addicted. I am no longer performing the rituals to conceal my smoking- washing after every smoke, popping mints like- well, like cigarettes! In the coming weeks, I want to get up to 1.5- 2 packs a day. I think at that level and chaining, I will finally reach the point of no return and slam the closet door behind me! Already, I can't believe that my wife hasn't caught on- I smoke 2 or 3 on my 20 minute drive home from work and must reek of cigarettes when I walk in the house and sit down with her for supper. I even ' put the dog out' a couple of times every evening before she goes to bed and then go out on the deck and smoke a few before I go to bed. She either has no sense of smell or just chooses not to comment! At this point, if she asked, I know I would confess. Very soon, I think, she won't have the opportunity to ask. The addiction is so close to being overwhelming that I will simply light up in her presence to satisfy the incredibly intense cravings that I am experiencing. I love the addiction!
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1 Response Sep 18, 2012

I also love cigarette addiction! :)