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I Wish He Would Understand

Sometimes, when i talk to him everything is great, we talk about movies, and drinking and sometimes even philosophy. These times make it worth while to continue to talk to him, at least on-line like we do....

but other times- like last night for example- he gets depressed and talks about what a terrible person he is and this and that and the other. The latest conversation started with "do you think it's really evil to not do anything about something bad you know about?"  which was hard for me to answer because he's a marine- and he doesn't really have a choice about what he does oversees, and I'm pretty sure that's what the question was about even though he never talks about it.....

and i shared my confidence in him, like i always do and that i have faith in his ability to do what's right in time- especially when he's feeling conflicted and needs to think about it, and of course he was snarky again about "I already see how far your faith in me has taken us" 

I hate that- There are a lot of reasons that i couldn't be with them, the primary one being that i couldn't continue to hover between heaven and hell anymore- being with him was purgatory because he was wonderful one day and a terror the next, and i couldn't take it.

The other reason i didn't want to be with him anymore was because i was raped, i was raped in a situation where if i had truly been faithful to him I'd have never been hurt- but he never called me his "girlfriend" and i wasn't expecting him to be faithful- its complicated... at any rate  i didn't feel up to trying to make him understand- especially when i knew he would get violent if i even told him what happened (not to me specifically just in general)  I've tried to explain recently but I'm always held back.... and he would have never accepted the fact that most the time i don't want sex- that where i had a sex drive before i have none now....

I just wish he could understand, that even though i love him, i couldn't be with him.  That being with him would have made me hurt, and not because he was a terrible person... but just because I'm fragile myself.

What i don't get is, i know he has a girlfriend now.... why does he have to shove my mistakes in my face all the time....

I dream about him, i long for him sometimes.... i hate it when he is this way.
Shierke Shierke 26-30, F Dec 19, 2007

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