What Do I Do?

I'm married. I think I love my husband but sometimes I think I'm with him only because he won't leave me. We really don't have anything in common except for food. I think we are going to eat our lives away. I think we do this b/c are both unhappy....but I'm just not sure. He is a good guy...and I should love him but am I with him b/c she is stable...somewhat. The last time we had sex was over a year ago...and that during our honeymoon.

We got married in the end of 2011. The summer of 2012 I had an affair. No sex, but we sorta went out on a couple dates and he knew I was married. I met him at work and we spoke all the time. It unfortunately didn't really start until I was engaged. The affair ended shortly after. It was mainly me - I don't want to be a bad person. Yet I really we are meant to be. He had a girlfriend when we had the affair but she lives in another country and it is mainly online. I think he has it so he won't be lonely personally. We talk daily and we are still so sweet to each other and I think he won't reveal his deep true feelings b/c he doesn't want to be a home wrecker. Yet the way he speaks to me is so....special.

I really don't know what to do. One side of me thinks I need to leave him alone completely and focus on my marriage...but I really don't think we have enough to stand the test of time and nor are we as happy as can be. Yet I am scared to death to leave a man who is willing to stay with me...I would consider myself...a slightly different/difficult person - I'm extremely sensitive - while he is highly sarcastic.

What should I do? My husband and I did counseling for a few weeks literally...just a few months after we were married - last January. We were married the previous September. I'm afraid that I'm also just obsessed with my affair/crush. What if he doesn't break up with the girlfriend in the other country. He has no plans to move there and no talk of her moving here...as I said...I think it's attention. I've tried asking him to talk to me about her...but he barely does...and when he does...it kinda sounds negative. I think we are so alike (besides the cheating) and I always thought cheaters were awful.....but what if I am just a coward...and made bad choices.

I'm also afraid to leave my husband...I hate to toot my own horn but other than me...I just don't see him doing things with his life to...excel. I want someone to motivate me and do my best. He is very negative and I swear he is bi-polar and depressed. His brother died of cancer a few years before I met him and his parents are cold. He didn't speak to them for 10 years. I want him to be happy....and I'm not sure I really am making him happy but I know for sure I am definitely not. I eat my pains, worried and anxieties away and I shouldn't say because of him....but I really do think so.

I feel like asking my affair/crush to somewhat crush me. I'm referring to my feelings - literally. He says I'm a glutton for punishment. I want him to tell me - we can't be together and that he feels nothing for me.....but I don't think he could if I asked him to. Is that even wise of me to do? I honestly feel my life would be empty without talking to him. He really does provide so much happiness for me - in just merely talking to him. Please help.
31-35, F
Jan 12, 2013