I'm Sorry

I BROKE HIS HEART. IT IS THE ONLY THING IN MY LIFE I REGRET. I LOVED HIM. I STILL LOVE HIM. I MISS HIM SO MUCH AND WANT HIM BACK. NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I DON'T WONDER WHAT WE COULD'VE HAD. I COULDN'T EVEN BRING MYSELF TO THROW AWAY HIS PHOTOGRAPHS. IT HAS BEEN JUST OVER THREE YEARS SINCE I LAST SAW HIM AND I KNOW HE IS STILL IN TOWN. ODDLY, I HAVE NOT RUN INTO HIM AT ALL. I HEARD HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. GOD, THAT HURT ME TO HEAR. EVERY MAN (BOY, MORE LIKE IT) I'VE MET SINCE I LOST HIM HAS NOTHING TO OFFER ME. NOT ONE OF THEM COMES CLOSE TO WHAT I HAD WHEN I HAD HIM, EVERYTHING. HE HELD THE WORLD IN HIS EYES AND WAS SO WONDERFUL, HE WAS WILLING TO SHARE IT WITH ME, HE WAS MY KNIGHT IN REALLY UGLY ARMOR AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITHOUT HIM. I FEEL PATHETIC FOR NOT LETTING GO. BUT, I CAN'T. HE IS THE ONE, HE ALWAYS HAS BEEN. AND I FAILED TO REALIZE THAT WHEN IT MATTERED. ALL I WANT IS TO SEE HIM AGAIN AND MAYBE BE GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE TO BE HAPPY MAKING HIM HAPPY AND FINALLY HAVING EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED, A LOVING FAMILY, HAPPINESS, AND A WONDERFUL LIFE WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. I MISS YOU SO MUCH ARMANDO, IT HURTS MY HEART. I LOVE YOU.
HERMOSASTONER420 HERMOSASTONER420
22-25, F
4 Responses Jul 19, 2010

This is exactly the same story as mine. I ruined our relationship by wanting to take a break for a bit. He said it was all or nothing, I chose nothing and it was the biggest mistake I have ever made. I miss him more than anything imaginable. He is the smartest person I have ever met. He made me feel sexy and wanted and loved. I was and I guess am still so attracted to him physically. I could go on and on but I'll spare you.<br />
We haven't spoken in almost exactly 4 years because, through a text message, he told me that he never wanted to talk to me again because he knew that I would come crawling back to him. He was clearly hurting when he said this, but I have respected those last words. (Initial being of break up began at the end of March, so we had been speaking the whole time...so he isn't that much of a jerk to end it through a text).<br />
After breaking up or you could say "stopped talking" in May of 08, I find out at the end of that summer that he had met someone about a month or so after breaking up with me and got serious with her. He is still with her to this day. I am so hurt that after being together for 4 years, he could go out so quickly and be so serious with someone else. I was stupid to think that after a few months of being broken up we would reunite and be stronger because being apart would help us grow up a little bit. That is what I truly wanted and still want, but...the interesting part is that I have a child now with someone else, who I live with, but am not "in" love with. <br />
Maybe I thought that having a baby would distract me and give me someone else to love instead of my ex. Don't get me wrong, I would not trade my son for the world. I love him so much it's ridiculous! I am also not complaining about my life either. The man that I am with now is kind, generous, good to me and an amazing father and provider. I just have that feeling and know that he is not the "love of my life" in the way I feel my ex was/is.<br />
I guess the area of gray that I am stuck in and have be stuck in for the past four years is contacting him. It's easy for other people to say just do it. Here's the thing, I'm the one that have to live with the results of what that possible contact will entail. If it's positive in the way that he has some feelings there too, you could say that's a good thing, but what happens then? My son?, His father? All these unknowns suck.<br />
If it's negative, which I am expecting it to be because of my ex's no bullshit tolerance and his stubbornness, how will I deal with it? Am I going to be stuck forever in love with someone who doesn't love me back? Will it bring that closure that I need to finally stop loving him. Deep down I think I know that a big part of me is always going to love him and right now I'm kind of wishing it was a smaller part of me.<br />
So when all is said and done, I am smart enough to know that I'm not going to know until I make that contact, but I'm scared. If it's meant to be it will be right? Well COME ON ALREADY!! geez. <br />
Maybe I'll anonymously send him a link to this post...jk.

Don't wait, try to talk to him and tell him how you feel before it's too late. I didn't marry my first love, and although we both are now married for many years, I think we both regretted that we didn't end up together.

I completely understand.

That’s very touching