I Love Her, But Was Never In Love

There is someone who's been a special friend to me since high school. I crushed on her hard, but for whatever reasons, she never felt the same. Yet it always seemed like I had a chance. After 2 years I gave up & found someone else who I dated for some time. It was shallow corny crap. Then just before college I see this friend again, and all those old feelings came up again after not thinking about her at all. Another 2 years go by as I'm in a different college, only able to text. Much naivety & spilled emotions later, I finally throw in the towel. I've really given up the idea of romance, but I still love her as friend. She's been there through many tough times, and she's always a joy to be around. It's been a year & a half since I've ended this fruitless folly, and I've grown immensely since. I see with much more clarity than I used to, and I'm much more aware of my emotions and what they say. I see her just the other day, which is a year since the last time we hung out. I see her in this mysterious light. It's not sexual in the usual sense of perversion, it's really hard to put it in the right words. I have so much appreciation to simply be able to witness her. I may never feel differently towards her. She strikes a chord that no one else could compare - or at least so far. I want so much to move on, and as much I thought I have, I fear that any attempt at a relationship with anyone else will stem from the desire to fill a void. I can't replace her. I hardly see her, and yet I can't help but be moved by her presence. No one else has been able to budge me. I just want to let go.
nottheaveragejoe nottheaveragejoe
Jan 10, 2013