42 And Foolish

Get comfortable, this won't be short. I decided in 2010 to become a teacher after years in sales. After some substitute teaching I found I have a passion for special education students so I earned a master's in special education and a severe endorsement. I work with 18-22 year old students, all of whom have severe special needs such as Autism, TBI, PTSD, and even Anglemen's Syndrome (pretty rare). Well with 15 kids in my class I needed to hire two paraprofessionals to assist me. Four candidates were interviewed and I decided on the people I liked the most. One is a young kid around 23. He's a musician and a darn good guy who does a great job with my students. The other, oh dear God, the other. When she entered the room I couldn't speak. Her eyes, so blue and sparkly, they sparkle in a dark room. Her smile so friendly and beautiful. She took my breath away and I had to take a moment to compose myself. She also proved to be smart and very loving which one needs in a classroom like mine. I will call her "A." A and I became fast friends. She is engaging, friendly, sincere, kind, compasionate, caring, and pretty much everything else one could want in a person. I enjoyed watching her interact with my students and watching her grow in self-confidence. My wife who also works at the school noticed my attraction to A and teased me about it quite a bit. It was all cute and fun until something happened, I realized I fell in love with A. I told my wife who didn't seem to mind at first but eventually it did become a problem. I never would have imagined A would fall in love with me. I'm a few years older, she and her husband are wealthy and, well, I'm a teacher which puts me on the other end of the scale. A and I started with just friendly encouraging texts and conversations at work. I confessed to her how I felt and asked if she felt the same way. She said she only thought of me as a friend because she is married and I accepted that. As time went on, she began to indicate she felt the same way about me. We both decided that despite falling in love, we would only ever be friends as not to disparage our marital vows. My wife and A became friends and when A’s husband was out of town she would come over. We would play games, watch TV, hang out and have a good time keeping everything friendly and innocent. The only way one would ever know how we felt was by reading our text messages. They were never crude, we didn’t disparage our spouses, they were simply loving and kind. “I love you so much, I’m so glad you are my friend” would be a typical message. I would tell her how beautiful I think she is. When I would break a record on the treadmill at the gym she would always tell me how proud she was. We love each other very much, but we were only going to live our lives as loving friends. Right before Christmas break her iPhone died. It was an old 3Gs and she was very sad because she had videoed me singing in class which she played often. She would text me “You just sang to me and you are amazing” and my heart would melt. She ended up getting a crappy little phone to tide her over until she could get a new phone. Christmas break came and she went on a vacation with her family that included a 7 day tropical cruise. I missed her like crazy but we texted often telling one another what we were doing. Over Christmas break my wife became very jealous of my relationship with A. We began to fight because she felt my feelings for A were interfering with my feelings for her. I assured her they weren’t because they weren’t. I found something amazing, I could love both women with every inch of my heart. It sounds crazy but it’s true. I still love both of them so much! Christmas break was almost over and we decided to sit down with A to talk everything out. It was awesome. The two women I love sitting with me openly discussing how much we love one another. I’ll never forget it. By the end of the discussion everything was perfect. Both women began to relax and realize that neither was a threat to the other. My wife even told A that she understood why I loved her so much. It was beautiful and that night was the first, and last restful night of sleep I ever had. The next day I took off of work to finish some paperwork at home. At 9:34AM my world crashed down on me. A had been given her husband’s old iPhone the night before as he got a new nifty 5. When he loaded her sim card into the phone all of her texts imported into his. A called me to tell me her husband (who is a control freak and a jerk) read our texts and she had to immediately quit and was never to speak to me or my wife ever again. Since then I haven’t slept more than an hour a night, sometimes not even that. I see here everywhere I go. I’m haunted by her memory at work. When it’s quiet I can hear her beautiful laugh or hear her say “I love you.” I haven’t stopped crying and I beg my heart to stop beating. My wife has been so wonderful. Can you imagine a woman holding her weeping husband as he mourns the loss of another love? That’s the only reason I’m still here. I have an amazing wife who loves me so but the pain is so deep now. I miss A so much. We have only spoken once, two days ago. She told me how hard this has been on her. I feel so sorry for her. My wife has been kind, understanding and loving, her husband has been heartless and cruel. She is so accustom to him controlling her and telling her what to do that I fear she will never break free of that. My greatest desire was to be able to love both women. To walk holding each woman’s hand and enjoy a life filled with honest and true love. Now one of my hands is empty. My wife has been amazing but she feels bad because she knows she isn’t enough for me. It’s sadly true. There is a hole in my heart that only A will be able to fill. We are moving out of this area this summer. I can no longer stand to be at work. I hate being at the gym because I can’t text A. When I go to Walmart or the mall I think about the times I would be at those places texting and laughing. I look at my phone 100 times a day but it never rings. A’s husband is monitoring her phone calls and text messages. I don’t think I’ll ever hear from her again. She is 7 minutes down the road from me and may as well be dead. It’s worse than having a loved one die because of that glimmer of hope that someday she will call or text me. There was a chance she was going to come over tonight to say goodbye but it looks like that’s a bust and she won’t be able to do that again. I know it sounds selfish and foolish, a man with a loving wife mourning the loss of another woman. I get that, I know I’m the villain in my own story. Feel free to judge and ridicule me, you can’t possibly say anything I don’t already know. I’m a fool, a selfish jerk, an idiot for allowing myself to fall in love, especially so profoundly deep. I never kissed her, I never held her hand, we had hugs and words, but that was enough to forever change the architecture of my heart. I will always feel incomplete, I will never be whole. I miss, I so truly and deeply miss my beautiful friend. If her husband had any mercy in him at all he would have killed me instead of banishing me to state of death waiting to die. I’m excited for every beat of my heart because it means there is one less, one less, one less. I’m no use to my family, I’m worthless at my job. 14 weeks, we only knew each other 14 weeks and only every knew we loved one another for 3. Guard well your heart and be careful when you give people access. It can prove to be deadly.
foolishlover1970 foolishlover1970
46-50, M
1 Response Jan 16, 2013

Why is it human nature to want what we can't have? I am very sorry that you are feeling this loss. It may be for the best. You have a wife that loves and cherishes you, so all is not lost. Don't you think your wife deserves to be loved as she loves you? In life, we all will love and lose, its a simple fact. Your wife deserves ALL of your love and devotion. That's what a marriage is about. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Stop and think how you would feel if another man was texting your wife that he loves her. I'm trying not to be judgemental but your wife is made of strong and worthy stuff if she is supporting you through this.

Thanks for the feedback. You make a few good points. To be honest my wife has had two boyfriends in the 22 years of our marriage. I was born completely without jealousy. I've never understood it and I harbor none at all. I trust my wife completely so her feelings for another man didn't bother me nor another man’s for her. I have always celebrated love. My wife is made of strong and worthy stuff indeed. One of the reasons this went as far as it did was she knew I love A and didn't have a problem with it until A and I were deeply in love. Once we were all able to talk my wife understood everything and was good with me having my cake and eating it too. I know it makes me selfish, I know it makes me greedy, I wish I had not fallen for A because now I feel like I'm broken. A's husband is a jerk, he is a total control freak. She has never had any say in where they live. He will come home and say "we're moving" with no regard to her or the kids. He made her get rid of two dogs she loved because he didn't like em. He controls with whom she can be friends and forbids her to work because she needs to always be available to play trophy wife. I guess I hoped she would see the difference between control and love but 16 years is a long cycle to break. All is not lost as you say, but at the moment all seems worthless. I hope I can heal my way through this living nightmare. I suppose it would be like having two children and having one of them suddenly die. Sure you can say “hey, you still have one healthy kid left” but the hole in your heart from the loss overpowers everything. I’m not making excuses or arguing with you because I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I’m just trying to explain why this is so hard on me. I am an emotional fella, hell I’ve seen Les Miserables on stage like 8 times and I still cry even though I have the entire show memorized (yeah I know a straight guy who loves musical theater, who knew?). Being emotional makes me love deeper and stronger and more passionately which is good but it also makes pain and heartache nearly fatal.