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Harsh Realities

There's no hiding from the truth tonigh. It's cold outside...it's rainy....loneliness my only companion....so I've plenty of time to think, to be honest about all the things I prefer to hide from or fool myself into thinking in the light of day. Solitude has a way of bringing a harsh realities of life to light. Plain and simple - my harsh reality is that I love someone I shouldn't. I love and am in love with someone I can never be with. Someone I can never share with the way I want to or quite frankly, share with in any way at all. For whatever reason it is clear that is was never meant to be, but my heart doesn't speak logic, so it hasn't gotten the message.

Sure I get through the work day - I smile, joke, make normal conversation while the people around me are oblivious to how hard it is for me to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. To my credit, I no longer cry on a regular basis....well...at least as long as I don't give myself any free time for contemplation. I sincerely thought these feelings would ease, especially after the contact was severed. You know... out of sight out of mind. But no, that would be too easy. And the one thing I have learned is that life is never easy, and that struggle in one manner or another is the only constant.

The hardest part of all is that my heart is no longer my own - he carries so much of it with him and I don't even know if he truly knows that although I suspect that he does. I still have so much to say - too many words that will be left unsaid; so much love to share that now simply has nowhere to go.

For now....I have no doubt that I will continue to get through the day - walking a thin line of smiling, behaving as though I don't have a care in the world - that I am happy, confident and carefree - even though I don't even know what any of that feels like anymore.

It is at this point that I have to thank you - my EP friends. You who keep my mind occupied with friendly, happy (& sometimes silly) chats, who never ask too many questions about things I would rather hide from during the day and have proven to be the life line that keeps me sane. You all are the best - even if you didn't realize how important you are to me.

I do apologize too for being a 'downer' tonight, but I keep thinking that at some point, if I keep forcing all these words, thoughts and feelings out of my head, I will eventually find peace. I'm not there yet, but someday.....I still have hope....

LadyBronte LadyBronte 46-50, F 5 Responses Nov 9, 2011

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How are things going these days?

Much better thank you. Times does indeed heal all wounds.

That's good to know. I'm going through something very similar...plus! I'm glad to know in time things will heal!

Thank you!

You are wwelcome. When you're going through it - it's hard to believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but there really is. Take care.

This is how I feel as well. I act through my days and smile although inside I am yearning. I am yearning to hear his voice and see him again, but it cannot be. I hope your suffering eases. <br />
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Me, I still cry.. just not when others are looking.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this too. I am better - I finally realize that there are certain things in life that are just never meant to be. The feelings may never completely go away, but I can't let it run my life. Good luck to you.

Hello again ladybronte. Three years and the love that shouldnt be is still there for me. But it does ease. Guess time does that. The intensity is less. Crazy thing is - it is so rare to find someone that you Know you could of, should of been with that even with acceptance and easing off the situation - sadness is paramount. Such a loss. Such a waste. But then I still think, yes. I am glad that I know you now. I am so glad we met. Even if it is sad. It is marvellous.

I do understand that - and you are so right, LG! I just wish it were more marvelous than sad right now. But is is better - I can only hope that it continues to get even better as time goes on. True....coulda...woulda...shoulda...such a waste!

Hugs x

Soo glad you're feeling better LadyBronte. I wish LOVE for you. The kind that will stay with you for the rest of your life. A love that from the first moment, you will know it's the right one. Because you will be able to grow as a person, and not have to constantly worry about it.. Blessings

Your story, just expresses what I'm feeling right now! Word by word, how marvellous and strange:)!<br />
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Hugs to you!

And hugs to you too, Magikal! Marvellous and strange....what a good way to put it.

Sorry to hear that you are struggling to come to terms with things, and accepting the fact that you will never have what your heart desires.<br />
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You must give yourself permission to move on. Cherish what you had in the past with him, smile and be happy to know what it means to be in love.<br />
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But, your heart belongs to you and only you can give it that peace and clarity to move on and enjoy the wonderful years to come.<br />
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Don't think you will completely get over this because you will never. And, when loneliness takes over you will dwell on the past and think "what if" and that is okay...go with the flow.. a lost wil always be a lost forever. But, accepting it will allow you to move on.<br />
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We are here, telling you..you are not alone. It is that fact of life!<br />
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Hang in there! You have come a long way..and have you done anything lately for you? Just for you!

Thanks, LLNCY ~ I have come to terms with many things although it's been a long process and there is still more work to do. You are right - I don't think those feelings will ever go away, but I am handling things much better these days. :)