Harsh Realities

There's no hiding from the truth tonigh. It's cold outside...it's rainy....loneliness my only companion....so I've plenty of time to think, to be honest about all the things I prefer to hide from or fool myself into thinking in the light of day. Solitude has a way of bringing a harsh realities of life to light. Plain and simple - my harsh reality is that I love someone I shouldn't. I love and am in love with someone I can never be with. Someone I can never share with the way I want to or quite frankly, share with in any way at all. For whatever reason it is clear that is was never meant to be, but my heart doesn't speak logic, so it hasn't gotten the message.

Sure I get through the work day - I smile, joke, make normal conversation while the people around me are oblivious to how hard it is for me to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. To my credit, I no longer cry on a regular basis....well...at least as long as I don't give myself any free time for contemplation. I sincerely thought these feelings would ease, especially after the contact was severed. You know... out of sight out of mind. But no, that would be too easy. And the one thing I have learned is that life is never easy, and that struggle in one manner or another is the only constant.

The hardest part of all is that my heart is no longer my own - he carries so much of it with him and I don't even know if he truly knows that although I suspect that he does. I still have so much to say - too many words that will be left unsaid; so much love to share that now simply has nowhere to go.

For now....I have no doubt that I will continue to get through the day - walking a thin line of smiling, behaving as though I don't have a care in the world - that I am happy, confident and carefree - even though I don't even know what any of that feels like anymore.

It is at this point that I have to thank you - my EP friends. You who keep my mind occupied with friendly, happy (& sometimes silly) chats, who never ask too many questions about things I would rather hide from during the day and have proven to be the life line that keeps me sane. You all are the best - even if you didn't realize how important you are to me.

I do apologize too for being a 'downer' tonight, but I keep thinking that at some point, if I keep forcing all these words, thoughts and feelings out of my head, I will eventually find peace. I'm not there yet, but someday.....I still have hope....