Distance And Time

I am in love with someone I shouldn't love and have been for over 10 years. This is kind of a big deal because I am only 27.

In January of 2002 I was placed in a higher math class with the idea of getting into a good college. I was a junior. There was a boy. A dark and mysterious boy in a large black overcoat and long brown hair. I realized he was new to the school as I grew up in the town. I seen began to be attracted to him for unknown reason. I liked his sense of humor and the way he seemed to not care how others thought of him. One day I started talking to him and sitting by him in class. He wouldn't open. He was a mystery.  Over the next few months we became friends. We were smart and a outcasts. I found out that he was only there for a short while. He had a rocky family life and was spirited away to live with distant relatives to finish school. I knew. I don't know how but I knew. I gave him a ride home one day and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. The single kiss set our hearts on fire. There was desire passion, knowing, and love. We were instantly in love like we had known each other our whole lives. In that instant my life would change for good.

In the following months we shared our love. Everyone in our lives saw us making each other truly happy. So, when his parents petitioned to have him returned to his home out of state we vowed to be together. He returned home and took a large part of me with him. We spoke on the phone and actually sent old fashioned love letters. He came to see he twice over the next year. He traveled over 8 hours one way and spent Christmas with me instead of his family. I loved him, God help me, I loved him.

When the fall of 2003 came we had to go to college. We could not afford out of state tuition and were forced to live over 10 hours away. Although we could talk on line it was difficult. There was no money to travel and we were already in the long distance relationship for over a year and half. I got scared that he would never be able to get back and I was too scared to leave my family, as I was only 19. I broke up with him. It was the most painful stupid thing I have ever done.

Shortly after, although I was still madly in love with him, I started to date a local guy to try to take my mind off of him. Time passed as I got my degree and people wanted to know if I was going to marry the new guy. I didn't love him, but I thought he was a good choice for a potential father and besides, I had lost my true love. So I married him.

One year into an unhappy marriage to a rebound my true love contacts me. He said that he heard I was married and that he was crushed. We began to talk. I told myself we were just friends, but it was a lie. It was so obvious that we were still in love. We talked about what we were doing and what we have done since the breakup. He admitted he still loves me. I felt the fire burn and my heart ached. Today I am more in love with him than ever, but he still lives in another state because he is helping an ailing parent. I am still married because I have a child and I lost my job. I am trying to get hired and file for divorce. My husband knows I want out, but can't and I can't move to another state without losing my child.

I know I shouldn't love him. I know it will be impossible to change our situation, but I love him. I have always loved him and I always will. I don't know if we can ever be together, but I hope beyond all hope that we can make it happen. I'm so in love and I shouldn't be.
sroverturf sroverturf
1 Response May 25, 2012

wow that sure sounds like one big clusterfuck you got yourself into their. Be careful when you divorce, i cant imagine the husband taking a divorce well, hes probably upset, as is everyone in the situation. Do what feels right, just try not to hurt anyone.