He Jabbed Me With A Fork...

Im still hanging out with my babys daddy even though he physically hurt me 4 months ago. I pressed charges and got joint custody , quite drinking(so did he) and im no longer living with him. My family doesnt like me being with him but I feel like my life is a punishment when we arent together. I love him and I hate that I do. He doesnt want me to live with him but he still wants to date. screwing isnt as good but I just need that intimacy. I wish I could get over him now! I dont like being single. Hookups are scary and online dating is a joke.
Pinness84 Pinness84
26-30, F
2 Responses Nov 4, 2012

Im at war with myself. I sit in my grandmothers broken down crappy house in a tiny stuffy room. all I think about is the simple life I had before the stupid fight my boyfriend and I had. i would wake up around ten everyday. There was no such thing as weekends because we were unemployed, living off of a government check. The sound of my three year old daughter asking for a pullup change, some milk and berries, and cartoons lured me out of bed. I could do it with my eyes closed. some days I would jump back into bed, rub and kiss my sleeping guy, hoping for a morning romp. Most days it was my turn to happily make espresso for americanos, half naked. The sound of the coffee bean grinder welcomed my man awake and I would hear the tv turn on soon hearing reggae in the living room where our mattress stayed after a previous fight. It was nice to have two beds, one in the room and one in the living room. It just seemed much nicer for us to sleep in the spacious room. When either one of us needed space, we would sleep in the room. after a blissful time of americanos and same ole chitchat, I would tidy up the place for an hour, meanwhile running a bath for our cutie, and dan would throw his overalls on, heading out the door to do whatever random task needed to be done. Sometimes the car needed to be fixed, sometimes it was a grocery shop mission, whatever it was he would come home with four forties and clamato; two mickeys and two pabst blue ribbon. On other days he would show up with random stuff he found on the roadside or dumpster. I would say nice find or

we dont need it. All day I had some kind of activity for the kid; legos, hotwheels, puppet theatre, cleaning fairy chores,etc. As soon as I cracked the bottle cap to my pbr, it was tv time for her and beer thirty for us. Always in our conversations, the thought of whats for dinner came up. at times I would whip up a sloppy dinner too buzzed to want to do much and some days I would find myself nursing slowly on my beers making a yummy dinner. At ten my daughter would argue to stay up later or quietly watch cartoons until she fell asleep. My favorite time was crawling into bed and snuggling against him, not caring what was on tv.

As I lay in my old matress, lost in my reminicing, missing those good times, my girl, asks for juice and berries. I tell her we dont have those here. And she whines and states she doesnt love me. I M so upset and my scapegoat is him. I ask over and over, how bad of a person was I to deserve this kind of punishment? I wouldnt have left him if he hadnt of poked me violently with a fork in order to get me out of the house. We had our fights but I draw the line when it comes to violence.now im just pathetic and desparate whenever I spend the night with him. Im only holding on to that comforting sounds, feelings and smells of what used to be. Im grumpy when I have to return "home" to mu supportive native family. A voice inside my head tells me, I didnt learn a damn thing. Im still ungrateful for what I have. So I show face by laughing with my siblings and having a good time, all the time wondering if the decision of leaving him was the right thing for my girl and myself. Of course it is. I have an easy job and im keeping up apearances and health. but on the other hand, I had to accept an old friend back in my life; loneliness.

On the upside, my guy went to jail for a week but the DA wanted to keep him for a year. I said im sorry but im not going to be a fulltime single mother. Even though, this man may have harmed me, he was undoubtedly a great father. I want my child to have her relationship with her dad even if mine and his is over. As soon as he got out, he started going to AA meetings and never stopped, he gave up smoking weed and started up his medication again. I continued to drink for a little bit but I was binge drinking and blacking out resulting in embarrassing stories or coming to yelling on fourth street at everyone barefoot. It took a few times for me to snap out of my rediculous actions, all the while not taking my sisters wisdom and advice, to stop running in drunkin circles and get my **** together. After all, the fights I was having with my boyfriend was actually what I needed to do. Stop drinking, find a job and take care of myself, as well as being a better role model for my baby. I tell myself this experience was just a blessing in disguise. I ache for a lover at times when im mad at my situation. Its not the answer but it wouldnt be so lonely.

Then again I have my freedom to do and be whatever I like. I have time for myself, my confidence is back and I can talk to any guy I want, not that I have courage to.

1 More Response

Are you happier with him or without him? When you realize that you don't deserve to be treated badly then you will be able to break free of this relationship. I could tell you that you deserve better and your baby deserves better than to see her Mommy treated like cr ap, but until you believe it yourself, you will stay. Don't wait for a better man to come along, you can be alone and be happy. Best wishes-Sunny