Is It Love Or Lust.

This is crazy !! I am married with 4 children , i am a stay at home dad of 11+ years( love my job) lol. but I think I have feelings for another woman. Me and her talk when we are a around each other, we seek each other out to talk (sometimes alone and when we are with are spouses) and when we talk she always touches my arm when she says things to me and I do the same to her. we are so much a like its nuts and cool at the same time. I feel we are soul mates when I am around her. she doesn't know i have feelings for her. I don't know how to tell her my feelings, plus I don't want to wrack are friendship or anything we both have. I don't know if she feels the same way. What to do? ( and yes I am still madly in love with my wife of 20+ years and love my family life) I told you this is crazy!! maybe, I am just a sick person and husband to feel this way. ( this was hard for me to post ).
Maxroper Maxroper
41-45, M
8 Responses Nov 30, 2012

I think you just like the attention you get and the fact that you can connect to another person... I was a sahm and anybody that would have an adult,interesting conversation with me then, would become a god in my eyes! lol...Maybe you get the point,and it's maybe the excitement we had since we were kids and found out there were people that liked us back and wanted to be our friends...or maybe more.

and to all the "rekindle your spark with the mrs." comments...that is way easier said than done,and sometimes there is not much to "rekindle" left,even if we truly wanted to...

You gotta stop! Stay away from the other woman. Make some time when you and your wife are alone with no distractions. Go somewhere, send the kids to grandma's for the night, whatever. Talk openly with her about your feelings for someone else and what you're missing from her. She probably feels like she's missing things from you too. You have to address it to work on it! You'll come out stronger together!

I agree with "2lovernot"... look to find these same feelings in the woman you married... because to feel this with her would be most amazing, as she is your complete package. The woman who you bore your children with, the woman who you can come home to every night... who shares your same bed without guilt...

Sometimes, when we feel intrigued by someone outside of marriage it's because we've discovered something new...some thrill that we want to seek. For example, maybe you and this other woman share the same likes... likes that your wife doesn't share with you. But say that you leave your wife for this other woman, it's inevitable there will be things in this other woman that you want but she doesn't have. There is no one person in the world who can satisfy all of our needs.

So don't confuse novelty or human connectedness with love. They are not the same thing. I know from personal experience that sometimes people who amaze us cause us to feel 'in love' which biologically speaking involves an increase in blood flow and heart rate, and that excited feeling every time you see this person. But don't attach romance to this... Don't destroy your family and marriage over your intrigue with this woman... try to satisfy your needs with your wife. Because the 'feelings' with this other woman will pass.... I think that it's biologically impossible to stay on cloud 9 for that long. And that's why we go through stages of love.... first its all warm and fuzzy ...and then that kind of goes away (perhaps it's biologically necessary) and the true test of LOVE is sticking around.

Do not love yourself more than your family. This a defining point in your marriage and in you personally. No secret can be kept forever and the pain you will inflict on the people you say you love is more painful than you can imagine. You cannot replace the 20 years of history you have made with your wife just so you can have the excitement of that "new romantic feeling" you have. Look to find it in the person you chose to make your wife. The vows you made to her on that special day mean something, do not disgrace yourself to fulfill your temporary thirst for a "new" feeling. 20 years of marriage tells me you are old enough to have some common sense.

Excellent advice! I like people who give advice like this!

its infatuation.

you may find it helpful to visit Al Turtle's web site and look at his work entitled "The Map of Relationship".

Be well.

Yes it is.

You're not sick. I'm going through the exact same thing right now. I did tell her how I felt though. She felt the same way, she was very worried that I would become controlling and she'd have a real issue to deal with. I reassured her that I respect her 'other life' and I simply wanted to make her life more enjoyable because she has made me very happy just knowing her. I'm only telling you that because now, after talking to her, I can really see how that would be a concern for a woman... that the 'other man' would want more of her than she was able to give without destroying her family. Just trying to provide a little insight for you.

I'll also say this. If you do decide to tell her how you feel, don't get too mushy. If she thinks you don't have control of yourself it might make her reluctant to encourage the relationship... in fact, she might be afraid to continue any relationship with you.

Dear Maxroper, STOP RIGHT NOW! Stop all contact with this woman if you love and value your wife and children! We can feel a variety of things for members of the opposite sex. Love, lust, attraction, etc. are all possible when we don't have the proper hedges/barriers put up. The fact is, you have already made a commitment with someone whom you DO LOVE. You have 4 beautiful children together. If you go any further and pursue this, you will break up your family, and you will have such a guilty conscience. Any moments with this person will no longer be as attractive when all of this is brought into the light. So stop while you're ahead and do not look for situations for you to be in contact together, discussing things that should only be reserved for your wife. This is a temporary infatuation that has resulted out of flirting and sharing feelings and emotions with someone else. People say all kinds of things to flatter and flirt, but eventually you will have to live in reality. You have a great reality. Go home and LOVE YOUR WIFE! Thanks for considering my advice which I feel I can give because my husband and I are dealing with the aftermath of what you are going through right now.

You are not sick.