What Should I Do?Earlier this year, I shared the story below about my experience with unrequited love. I lost access to the account under which I published that story, but created a new one because I want to share how life has been since then.
It's been a long and confusing road. A short time after I published my story, the guy that I'm in love with ended up visiting my hometown. I was so excited that he was coming...it was sort of my chance to show him that I was worth more than a one night stand. We made plans to meet up... and I didn't think that we would hook up or anything but honestly, deep down I was hoping that he would want to. I kept thinking that his love or interest in me would somehow validate my worth (ridiculous I know...but I still feel that way today, and It's hard to overcome that feeling).
So after feeling empty for so long, I eagerly drove about 2 hours in traffic to see him. I was so excited, I made sure that my hair was done nicely and I was wearing a beautiful scent because he has this thing with enjoying the way women smell. He had given me the address of a friends home, and told me that's where he was staying. He mentioned that he had gone out earlier that day though, and said he would let me know once he was available to meet. I had waited hopelessly in a grocery store parking lot for about three hours, and he never called. Then night fell, and I decided to drive home ...feeling very ashamed and worthless.
That night was almost unbearable and I decided to text him about what a horrible friend he was. I cried about what he had done to me, but was more worried about him and how he would feel when I told him how heartless he had been. What if he got mad and didn't want to be friends anymore? I hated how fragile our relationship was.
I told him how I felt, and he sad that he was sorry and didn't deserve my friendship. He explained that his ex girlfriend had come with him, and was angry that he was going to see me. He swore that they had argued all day about it, and this was the reason he couldn't come. Later on he invited me to see him again the next day... and not wanting to pass up the chance to redeem myself, I took it. I drove 2 hours again to meet him... he didn't have a car.
The night we saw each other, we talked until sunrise. He told me that though she had come on the trip, he and his ex were not together anymore. He talked about their problems before breaking up, and said she was really abusive. In a way I was happy to know they weren't together, but still so confused about why she came if they weren't ... was he lying to me? and if so why?
I felt our time coming to an end, and I asked him to kiss me before he left. This was something that I never saw myself doing... I'm usually in the position of being pursued...but I needed him so badly I didn't even care. I asked him to kiss me more than once (literally begging), and he said he wanted to. We began making out for a short time, and at some points it felt good like quenching a thirst that hadn't been satisfied in so long... but sometimes it felt like he was just kissing me out of guilt for the past.He stopped a few times and said that even though they were broken up, he feared his ex would see us. He said he wanted to talk to her first about moving on, and was concerned about upsetting her, and possibly ruining the trip for people who came with them. I begged him to stay, but he kissed me goodbye, and promised that he would come back some day.
That day was electricity and he stayed in my my mind, my mouth, my skin for a long time after. But I hated him and loved him at the same time. Like heart ache, with my head in the clouds.
We've stayed in touch since then ... and have had a few fights about how poorly he's treated me in our friendship, and even during the short time that we were lovers. He seems to be changing (he checks on me more often)... but I'm not so sure. He still talks about the woman that he "wasn't dating" when we last saw each other... they are dating again now and live together. Sometimes he seems to be happy with her, but most times he says she doesn't support him, or that they aren't on speaking terms. And I wonder why he tells me these things...is he selfishly trying to keep me from moving on by giving me hope that 'he and I' are possible? And am I really that stupid girl who keeps hoping?
Recently he told me that he wants to get a job in my home state, and I'm in a position to make that happen for him. Sometimes when I'm helping him, and he's being so sweet I worry that he's just using me. I don't want him to hurt me again. And though its his right, I'm scared that he has plans to move here with her when I get him the job. I also wonder why here? and if it's possible that he wants to be closer to me? Some days I even think that he might be trying to make her jealous. The thoughts drive me crazy.
I Am In Love With Someone Who Hurt Me
Written on May 30th, 2012
There is no one to talk to about this. So this seems to be the next best place to vent....to a group of strangers just like me, who may understand what I'm going through.
I was on travel a couple of years ago for a few days...I went to oversee a meeting that my company was hosting. On the last day that I was there, I ended up going out to dinner with a group of people who were attending our meeting. I ended up sitting across from a man that I had seen in the days before and I had actually spoken to him briefly (just giving basic direction ...to sign in for the meeting..info about our hotel...etc), but there was nothing that made me particularly interested.
During dinner we spoke the entire time, and I saw that he was smart and he had beautiful eyes. Afterward, he asked me to have a drink with him. And we spoke for a few hours about life. In the end I remember thinking about how human he was, how he had been through so much and was so mature and I never met someone who had been through so much pain, but was so positive and so compassionate. When we looked into each others eyes there was a spark and energy. I liked him. Later he invited me to his room and we made out very passionately. I know it sounds ridiculous but it was like we needed each other to heal from all of the pain that we just shared that we had been through (why our conversation ended up going there, I dont know) but It was like I was wrapping myself up in someone who understood, finally. The next day we went home to separate states.
After we kept in touch, and I always wondered about him, and what we could have been. A year later we met again and actually ended up having sex. It was against my values but I was so happy to share myself with him. When I was with him, I always felt that I was in another dimension....that I was on a separate level of communication with a human being...as though we were soul mates. It sounds weird but it felt good.
After that he didnt really talk to me anymore. He asked how I was doing, was worried that i was pregnant and that was about it. I called him on it a few months later and he said he was sorry that he was actually lonely and he needed someone to help him get over a girl he was in love with.
Can you imagine? I felt like death. Like he had sucked all of the life out of me. I couldn't believe he hurt me like this....and why me?
We are friends on social networks and I see pictures of the girl he loves...she is beautiful. He told me she mistreats him but he cant help but love her. I'm glad that he was honest, but somehow i still hope for a chance to redeem myself from being used. I find myself hoping that he sees me one day and realizes that he made a mistake. If not, I am always the other woman who wasnt good enough...and it causes me to hate myself, to feel unpretty. The funny thing about it is that I'm usually the heartbreaker (not on purpose) it just seems that life dealt me a good hand where im always lucky in love and i have choices....until now where my choice fails to choose me and it hurts so much.
saddestbutterfly 22-25, F 1 Response 0 Dec 10, 2012