I Am In Deep...

I dated the most wonderful guy last summer. I had been in a ten year long, turmoil-filled relationship prior to meeting him and he showed me th elove and kindness I had never known. He had a really rough life. His dad died when he was 8, his mom was brutally raped and murdered when he was 15 and he came home to it. His aunt and uncle put him in foster care afterwards. When he turned 18, he moved in with his grandmother who has alzheimers and his delinquent younger brother. He started abusing prescription meds and then went to prison for 3 1/2 years for burglary (he was out of his mind on xanax when he commited the crime). I met him shortly after he had been released and we started dating about 4 months later. He was really getting his life together. He had a good job, got his own place, had a car, the whole nine yards. We spent every day together. He was so kind, polite, smart, insightful, adventurous, and understanding.  He made me feel happy, safe, and beautiful. Then a few months later, he started abusing xanax and loritabs again. I tried to be there for him and help him. I tried to make him see that the pills were destroying his life and would only lead him back to where he had just came from. He ate the pills to try to cope with his traumatic past, and while I could understand the need to stop pain, I tried to help him  see that I was there and that there were other avenues to get help. It finally reached the point that his pill habit consumed all he did and he would be in and out of coherency most of the day. I ended up breaking up with him, but we reamained on good terms. This month he got sentenced to 10 yrs in prison for a repeat offense. I sent him a letter because he has noone else and he wrote back, apologizing and saying how grateful that he was that I cared and that I was right about everything and that it meant so much to him that I wrote etc. The thing is.... I still love him. I still care about him. I had taught myself to bury those feelings. Now, they have all resurfaced. We have decided to write back and forth and I feel like I am in over my head. I am scared. While I love him and want to see him through this, I am afraid that my heart will suffer for it and I will get reinvolved and spend 10 yrs of my life waiting for him. I just wish I knew how to love him without getting hurt.

starviolet83 starviolet83
26-30, F
5 Responses Mar 15, 2009

Sweetie...your heart will be a little broken. I'm a recovering addict, and there is hope for him to have a drug free full life. But any time we live someone, whether they're in prison or not, we open ourselves up to being hurt. You said you were able to 'bury' your feelings. Addicts use drugs to do that. We have to learn to feel our feelings. And survive with out numbing out the bad ones. Good luck. He's lucky to have your love.

Yes I know what it feels like to be in deep. Theres no way to make sure you wont get hurt and that is in any relationship. Maybe get him to agree to go to NA with you upon getting out and if he does that will maybe show his intent to stay clean and you could try again. Life has no guarantees.

you said "I just wish I knew how to love him without getting hurt." If you love openly and honestly and fearlessly, it's worth the risk of getting hurt, which is something you cannot foresee anyway. And you decide if you are hurt or not...you know? That part will be up to you. I just want to encourage you to be fearless, you can move mountains when you remove fear from the equation. I was left wondering what left you feeling like you were in over your head...just wondering and I hope you keep writing each other.

Thanks for sharing and the encouragement!

i know the feeling. I've tried to "unlove" my guy too, everyone tells me that we're too different and that i should move on...but it's hard when you love the person. Its been close to 13 months since I've last see him and i think i finally have some closure, so what I can tell you is that time does heal all wounds and if you're meant to be with each other you will. Just do you part and take care of you!