The Battle

I don't really remember when or even how it happened; suddenly I realized that I was in love. I met him in 7th grade. Young, I know. We "went out". He had never had a girlfriend before. We held hands, hugged, sat next to each other, all the things you would expect from a couple that age. He was always a bit prude though (and still is); it took a long time for him to finally let me kiss him. I am sort of a "popular" girl and he just isn't. Sure, he was friends with my friends and they got along, but he never really fit in. Anyway, I ended it shortly after we went out in 7th grade because he said a few mean things about my appearance a few times and I was frustrated with his lack of "making moves". He just seems dumb in love! We went back out at the end of 8th grade and it ended from the same reasons. He went to a different high school than me, but we constantly texted and talked online. He was like my best friend. We went to the movies with friends a lot and he knew I liked him. Once, we went just as the two of us. It was the best night of my life, I will never forget it. He was so sweet and that is so unlike him. He isn't a very mushy person, sometimes even down right mean. I don't know why I love him, but I do. All freshman year we didn't go a day without talking. I confessed that I loved him. It took a lot of me to say that. His response: "ok". Sometimes he makes me so angry, I do not understand why I give him the time of day. My friends say I am too good for him and that I need to stop talking to him, but I can't help it. I'm hooked. The summer before 10th grade, our relationship became more complex. I began being intimate with him...in the form of pictures. I feel like slapping myself in the face thinking back on it, but I wanted to do it. I wanted him to see me. I wanted him to want me. We shared everything. We questioned each other about sex and were honest with each other. I was constantly reminding him that I loved him and he was constantly ignoring it or saying that he wasn't interested. But he would always say that he wasn't saying he wasn't interested forever, just at that time. That little box of hope stayed with me until this day. Then one day in the summer we got in a spat. He had been teasing me and saying that he was going to kiss a lot of girls that night. I was hurt and ignored him the rest of the day. The next morning I got a text that said, "you know I was joking right?" I know you probably think I overreacted, but he did that to me constantly. I was being slowly pushed to the edge of my patience. I wanted us to be together so badly. It seemed our relationship was stalled. After I responded with "how was I supposed to know that?" he got angry. He said he was through with whatever we were. I shot back, angry too, that we were just friends, just like he always made very clear to me. We went back and forth until he said he was done. I said, done with being friends? Because that's all we've ever been, you've made the perfectly clear. And he said he guessed so. I warned him that he was ending our friendship and he said he didn't care. We haven't spoken since. That was 10 months ago. I think about him everyday. I miss him. I constantly have the urge to just pick up the phone and call him or shoot him a text. But I don't. I don't want to be the one to back down again, because it's always me. This kind of thing has happened before with us but never so severe and its never lasted so long. I wonder if he misses me or even thinks of me at all. Its torture. I even got my friend to add him on facebook so I could see his profile without him knowing I even still thought of him. I miss him so much. I've talked and been involved with other guys since then but I never forget about him and I'm constantly comparing my feelings with him to my feelings with other guys. And none of the relationships have lasted or gone anywhere serious. It seems all the guys I talk to just want to see me naked or take advantage. I don't know what to do. I just know that even after these long 10 lonely months, I still love him. I'm young, I know, but I am more mature than most people my age and I feel like this love is for real. No one seems to relate or understand. They think I'm crazy and plain stupid to still be attached to him. I'm still the only girl he's ever dated. My friends think he's not attractive, but I think he is the most beautiful boy I have ever met. I love everything about him, even the things I hate. I fantasize about him showing up at my door and apologizing. Even a text. I'd even take a friend request on Facebook! I've contemplated contacting him on the exact day one year ago that we ended things. I'm just not sure if that is the best move. Any advice?