My Goodbye Letter
One day this past summer, in early September, I was on my way to class and made a sudden right turn onto the turnpike and headed towards the beach. I made the 20 minute drive to the shore, parked my car, and sat in the parking lot just starring into the bushes that hid the view.
I went out there to that beach, and walked along a warm, sandy path. At the top of a hill hidden with tall marsh plants that echoed with sounds of birds and insects, I took off my shoes and laid down on the hot, soft sand.
I laid there for what felt like eternity and gazed into the blue sky. I cried and cried and cried. I cried so much that the sun dried the wet tears onto my face, then I cried some more and my face became caked with layers of tears.
My heart aches for you. I am tortured with thoughts of you, and though I am sometimes convinced that these feelings have faded, each and every time I fall in love with you again. This is a horrible thing to live with, the love I have for you. I know that it will never in this lifetime be returned. Sometimes I can live with that, but other times I cannot. I truly feel that no matter who you end up with, and I am certain that it will not be me, that this person will NEVER hold the love for you that I do.
And you just cast it aside. You allow me to feel these feelings, and feed the passion inside that I have for you because you enjoy the comfort I bring you, the comfort of knowing that I will always be there for you. You keep me around as a last resort, as fuel that caresses your ego.
It has taken me five years to finally become fed up with you. My eyes are wide open, and suddenly I can see everything that I have ignored for so long. You have no place for me in your heart. You have no respect for me, not in the tiniest bit. If you did, then you would not treat me the way you do, you would not string me along and play with my emotions because you know that I will put up with it.
You know the never ending cycle; something you do or say upsets me, then I proceed to vent out my frustrations to you and threaten to move on. I never follow through with this threat, though, and then I eventually forgive you and come back. You know I will come back, so it doesn't mean a thing to you if you gamble with me and the existence I have in your life.
You mean everything to me, everything. Yet, I mean nothing to you. Tell me, if I meant anything to you, even my friendship, why do you disrespect me? Why do you continue to degrade me? What I have for you is very precious, and not everyone in this world can say that there is someone out there who sticks by them, through thick and thin.
I tell you that I will always love you, and no matter what that I will always be there for you. Even if I get mad, I will always be there. I even joke that if I were to ever get married, I would cheat on my husband just to be with you. I say that if you were to call me and I found out you were in the hospital, that I would rush over there immediately to be by your side.
For all these years, I have put up with your games. I have put up with you disappearing on me, yet when you come back I am always there to welcome you with forgiveness and no hard feelings. I have put up with your neglect towards my feelings, with you shoving in my face your other relationships because I am so desperate to keep you around that I will listen contently. I have put up with your truthful, hurtful confessions, the things that you admit to and then deny ever admitting to me later on. You deny them, maybe because of guilt or embarrassment because no one in their right mind would be proud to admit to the horrid things you have said to me.
I remember you telling me about your new relationship with Vicki. You told me about how happy you were with her, how she kissed your whole body up and down, how you made love to her. I endured it, because I wanted you to know that I would always be there for you even if I had to put up with hearing that to keep you around.
I remember you telling me when we were still together, an eternity ago, that you had nothing left for me and that it wouldn't bother you in slightest if I cheated on you because I was no longer in your heart.
I remember when you got drunk and kissed my best friend. I cried my heart out, but forgave you that very night because I was so in love with you that it didn't matter what you did, because I was and continued to this day to be your doormat. You knew that you could do whatever you wanted to me and get away with it.
I remember you admitting the worst of truths only when you were drunk and at your weakest moments. You would admit to me that you liked to see the effect you had on me and so you abused it. Do you remember telling me that you said hurtful things to me on purpose just to see me cry, that it made you feel good inside to see me upset over you?
I remember the time you sent me the longest text message I have ever gotten in my life. It was so hurtful, that I remember the time of day, the season of the year, where exactly I was when I read it, and the complete numbess I felt immediately after reading it. It hurt so bad that I wrote it down because I didn't want to push aside how cruel you were, I wanted to remember for the future when I would eventually gain enough strength to leave you. I had done absolutely nothing to you but profess my love and adoration for you. You responded by writing that my love and dedication to you felt like a burden and only annoyed you. The last lines of the letter were, "I hate you."
I remember every single god damned time I professed my love to you, throughout the entire five years I have known you, and how you responded back. You knew what you were doing. You would respond vaguely enough to give me hope, but never enough to give me a direct answer. Never enough to tell me your true feelings, that you have no feelings left for me. But just to be safe, you would never go far enough to give me the satisfaction of receiving your love. You would only say just enough, and as vague as vague could possibly get, to give me hope and lead me on. Don't you dare deny it, because you have admitted it to me yourself in one of your forgotten drunken moments that you only do this to keep me around for your own cruel and selfish pleasure.
Most of all, I remember what happened just three days ago. I had been seeing you occasionally in the past month and a half, coming to your house during the night hours and staying over after sharing a night of passion and sex. On Friday night I had told you that I enjoyed seeing you while I was still living in New York, and that I wanted to take advantage of it before I moved away again in the next year. Why didn't you tell me what you did the next morning at that moment? Because you wanted to get one last night of fun while I was still your secret mistress?
The next morning we woke up from the sound of your phone ringing, your arm was still wrapped around my waist and we were both still naked from the sex we had just a few hours earlier. It was at this moment that you told me you had a response to our conversation from the night before, which surprised me because I thought you had already responded. Like an idiot, I rambled on about how I didn't think there were any problems because neither of us were seeing anyone else. You interrupted me and told me that there was, in fact, someone else. Then you went even further and asked me if I wanted to see what she looked like. No you *******, why the hell would I want to see what she looks like?!
I remained calm, because I didn't want to be angry with you. I just wanted to cool down and confront you later on after I have calmed myself. I tried so hard, but instead I decided that I wouldn't allow you to degrade me again. I cried, and told you how angry I was with you. I left shortly after, I was disgusted to even be around you. I wonder what made you think it was okay for you to do that. Why would you tell me that there was someone else while I was still laying in your arms, naked? Why didn't you tell me the night before, you selfish Bastard! Do you know how degrading it felt when you told me that? It was at that moment that I realized you have no respect for me whatsoever.
I was happy with the way things were between us. I had finally found peace with the fact that we would never be together again. I could have handled the fact that you were seeing someone else, because after all, we won't ever get farther than remaining friends and occasionally sharing a night of passion. Just, why? Why did you have to tell me the way that you did? No man would ever tell a woman he had any respect for that he was seeing someone else under those circumstances. Did you ever think it through? Why did you do it, because you knew that I would put up with your ****, like I always do, because I love you so much and I would do anything for you like a sad little puppy?
On my tearful drive back home, I had never felt so foolish in my entire life. After all the things you have ever done to me, this takes the prize. I have spent the past three days thinking about that day and our entire past. My total image of you, my undying love and respect for you, all the memories of you and happiness that came from them, all the devotion I have for you... it has vanished.
I have threatened over and over that one day I will just disappear, and you won't ever hear from me again. Yet, I continue to come back and give you my love. That day as I walked out your front door, I meant it when I said that this time it's my turn to disappear, I truly meant it from the bottom of my heart.
This time, I'm not saying it as a strategy to scare you and hope that your love for me will suddenly come back, that you will chase after me to keep me around. This time, I don't want you to come back. I want nothing to do with you, you Bastard. You killed the most precious thing in the world, and that is love, understanding, and devotion. You may go through relationships throughout your life, and you are always used to me sitting around waiting, waiting around like some sad, pathetic little girl who has a stupid crush. A dumb girl who you can walk all over like a door mat.
That security is gone. You are alone once again. You can see whomever you please, but just know that if it goes sour, I won't be around to comfort you. I won't be around to keep you company and to remind you that, "no matter what, just remember that someone loves you."
I will truly never know how you feel about me deep down inside. You are always telling me some sort of distorted truth. Now, it doesn't matter whether or not you are even willing to tell me what goes on in your head. I am not even interested in hearing it, because I know that it will just be the same thing you have been telling me for years. You will never change, and I cannot keep torturing myself like this. I just cannot go an entire lifetime suffering like this anymore.
Don't expect me to wish you Happy Birthday every year, like I have since I've met you, which if you recall, the first day I met you was actually on your birthday. Don't expect me to be there when you need me. Remember when you were going through a hard time with your breakup from Vicki? I won't be there to hug you back, to comfort you. I will never again run my fingers through your hair, or cuddle up next to you and rest my head on your chest.
Don't expect me to answer your calls every time and listen to your problems or what's going on with your life. Don't look forward to anything from me anymore. And please understand, I am not doing this to teach you a lesson. I am doing this because I am finally done with you. I am just fed up, and my heart can't take it anymore. I cannot continue loving someone who can't even appreciate my feelings for them.
You are selfish, and you don't deserve the love I have to offer. You don't deserve love from anyone in this world.