I Feel Like An Idiot

So for the last year of high school, i liked a boy who has a gf. It started as  just a small interest in him, then i lost weight and he suddenly started giving me a lot of sexual attention even though he is very serious about his relationship with his gf. I guess i wasnt used to being considered attractive and that attention sucked me right in. i fell hard for him. And it wasnt just sexual either. I really started to like everything about him, like who he was and what he liked. I was so jelous of his gf and even his friends! I just wanted some kind of attention that wasnt sexual from him! and i made a lot of mistakes trying to get that from him, well i guess not mistakes but i made a fool of myself and said the wrong things quite a few times! Ironically, we are both very shy, even though sexually we arent (which is another thing that made our chemistry just amazing! when we were both in a room, even though we didnt know eachother the sexual tension was unbeleievable!) so we never really spoke to eachother! we never got to know eachother! but our friends knew about it...it was like this unspoken thing in the air where everyone knew we were very attracted to eachother but nothing could ever grow out of it. no one said it outloud when both of us were present. i dont even think it was ever admitted out loud at all how much tention there was.  anyway, when the year was coming to an end, i made desperate attempts to try and figure out if he liked me or not, by asking people and even his friends. i kind of knew he would find out if i aksed his friends but it was the end of the year anyway so i didnt care, i just wanted to know! on the graduation after party i got drunk and said some nasty stuff i would want to do to him to his friends, so he definatly knows! and thing is, hes best friends with my brother, so even though school is over in a weird way hes still part of my life since my brother still goes and sees him. basically now he knows i like him because of my stupid way of admitting it because i was desperate (see what i mean by mistakes?). i dont know if maybe it would have been better to keep the whole thing unspoken? (for a while i wantedn to tell him the whole story, but didnt) wooo writing about that actually makes me happy cause it reminds me of those fun times! but now school is over, and i havnt seen or heard from him since. neevr even found out what he ever thought of me. its getting ridiculous because i keep thinking about him! wheneevr there is a guy i like, i always compare him to this guy. i dont know if ill be able to get him out of my head! im  always fantisising about him, and not just sexually anymore...things like what it would have been like to be friends with him, to share a secret with him...blablabla. and i really shouldnt because hes moving and im moving soon so well neever see eacvhother again! And even if we do, we are both too shy to ever admit anything. i dont want to be comparing him to every single guy now! but this is the first time i felt this way about anybody! and i cant describe the good feeling i got from the fact that he found me so attractive! im worried that that may be the whole reason this even started, and what does that say about me? what...that im actually in love with myself or something? that what im really in love with is attention? it would make sense...ive had a lot of issues with my looks and being accepted and all that...i even got so fustrated that nothing happened between us that i 'did favours' for a random guy in a club, which i feel horrible about now! ok, i realise im slowly changing the topic so ill stop now.