Mentally Torturous Imaginary Perfect Christmas

I am angry with myself for letting this on again/off again behavior drag on forever but I am unwilling to cut ties with him permanently because it seems like this is better than having him completely absent from my life. At present, it seems I do not exist. In a few months once I've gotten used to the lack of contact and am no longer terribly saddened by it I'll hear from him frequently, and then he will disappear again for months at a time - it always happens like this over and over again. Anyway, I am unwisely letting myself imagine my perfect Christmas if he would visit.

I would make sure that he would be extremely comfortable and welcome with plenty of good food to eat. Years ago he told me that for every Christmas Eve dinner his grandmother would make czarnina and piernik with chocolate glaze (his two favorites) and I would make those even though they are not something we ever have at our dinner - I already found somebody who can get me a live duck from a small local farm and I know how to butcher it. He would have presents under our tree and would be welcomed as one of our own family. After the parents went to bed, my siblings and their spouses would stay up late with us laughing our heads off playing games and having mulled wine before getting in our cozy beds. There's lots more fun things we do at Christmas but they'd take too long to type. And there has never been a fight at any of our family gatherings - we don't fight with each other in general but especially not at holidays.

But it doesn't matter what efforts I would make to see that he had a good Christmas. It wouldn't matter how nice my family was to him or what the accommodations were like. It wouldn't matter and he isn't showing up because I'd still be me and I am not what he wants.

So instead, my office will send a generic "Happy Holidays" greeting card to his office and there will be no visit or telephone calls or even "Merry Christmas" facebook wall posts.