A Long And Hard Relationship

We were friends from an early age and really, really close; inseperable. But as we grew older, I discovered myself and slowly my feelings for him. We were young and experimented with oneanother, but I always had a level of emotional maturity that exceeded my age. As I went through my teen years, we continued with a relationship that was somewhat strained, or at least that's how I perceived it. In my giddiness, I believed that a relationship was possible. I hated myself for who I was, but the way I felt was undeniable. Our relationship grew physically as we got older, but seemingly platonically for him. I always wanted to talk about it, but he had this skill in ignoring what he wanted to, so it never came up. When we were sixteen, I couldn't take it anymore and expressed my feelings for him, which after four years had become complex and quite profound. I took the leap of faith, and he shrugged me off- not something that I can blame him for.
Over the past year, due to our practically identical social circles and day to day proximity, he has continued with our friendship as normal. But it is all too hard for me. I've tried to overcome my love for him, but I'm at a loss. I have tried to express my difficulties, but he despises me for them and the friendship I've practically ruined. He is much colder with me now and even though I realise that he is imperfect, that has treated me with little decency and he doesn't reciprocate my emotions, I can't move on. I feel the fatigue of this saga of a relationship and want badly for it to be over. I can't cut him out of my life, but can't stand to be near him out of sadness.
Oh by the way, I'm gay and he isn't, so that adds a bit to the drama.
I carry a daily burden and longing that I would do anything to be rid of, but I don't seem to have the willpower to do it...
Wellington2560 Wellington2560
18-21
Jan 13, 2013