The Roller Coaster Ride...

I met this guy for a year now, Feb or March 2011 in an online dating site. Well it was my first time to join such site. What brought me to it was accounting. I was really stress out during that time so I decided to do something different. Weird right? Hehehe. Well we started exchanging messages on that site until he asked for my ym id. I don't have one so I created my id. We talk about light topics. After a few chat, he asked for my fb id.  I was hesitant because he's a stranger and I don't usually give my fb id to anyone. But there was something in him that made me gave my id.  Since then, we kept in touch. Not everyday but at least once or twice a week when both of us have time. Then came October, I finished college. I am supposed to look for work but due to certain issues I can't. So basically I just stayed at home. I had more free time, more time to go online.  It was then that we became closer. From light topics our discussion turn into something deeper. One time he asked me, "Why are you still single"? I said, "Well, I haven't came across the right man. And besides I don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of it. Coz I took things too seriously." Then it was my turn to ask him a question, I asked," Since you said I am single, I wonder how it is to fall in love"? Out of the blue he said, "Do you want me to make you feel how"? I responded, "Don't make me fall if you are not willing to catch me". So cheesy right. That made things turn out differently. Come November he said, "I think I'm falling for you." I don't have any reaction during that time. He wasn't online for quite some time then. When when he came back, he said," Yes it's true, I just don't have the guts to say I love you". As for my part, it was then that I realized, why do I want to talk to this person often? Coz I'm bored or there's something else?

From that time, almost everyday we talked. Get to know one another. Laugh a lot. Just enjoying every moment of it.  Come February, I created a video presentation with a poem in it, which I composed just for him. Well it was the second poem I composed. The first one dedicated for him too. He brought the artist in me. I became just plain different and poetic just because of him. And since it was also his birthday that month, I prepared a video message for that guy. He said he liked it. And what he gave in return is a sort of a card with his pic and mine together with i love you and all messages to show his affection. I really liked it.

But not everything feels like a fairy tale. As we talked more, it was also then that conflicts did arise. First, he was so far and I am near. We feel frustrated about the situation. One time, he said,"You are there and I am here. We cannot see each other in real." That hurt me, all I did say is that, "If you think that way, well it will happen".  He also said, "I want to marry you but my country and my culture won't allow it". Take note he is a Muslim and I am a Catholic. What could more devastating than that? 

I loved that guy but the reality just made me suppress my feelings for him. What he said once that, " Don't love that much coz I can't bare it". I was like ok. So what I did, for more than a month now, I never mentioned that I love him. I never showed how affectionate I am. Why? Because I felt that I was the person loving more. Though I know it's wrong to measure love. It was me who is hoping that something will came out of this relationship which started online. Now, I don't talk to him as often as  I do. First because of my schedule, and because I think he doesn't want to talk to me that much too. Well out conversation is basically through chat, emails, text messages. I will say hi to him, but wouldn't hear a hi back. Just recently he became active in a gym. And the good news is he is talking to his gym mate who is a woman. He said he talks to her often. That woman is a teacher-a preschool teacher, blah blah. And I just took the matter lightly then even cracked a joke. "You know abcd, then why not ask her to teach you efgh"? That's all I said. While at the back of my mind I was thinking, "Why do you have to share your flirting moment  with me? If you like her hit on her, and then don't talk to me"!

Gosh, sometimes I just prayed that I never discovered this kind of emotion. Because this is freaking crazy...