Nothing Between Us But A Country

I met my all time best friend in the fall of 2011 within our high school marching band. I don't know how it happened, or why it happened, but we became quite good friends. I asked her to our homecoming dance, but she declined, fearing it would damage our friendship. This was fine with me. I then went through various states of my life, depression, love, etc. Come the beginning of 2012 we got back in touch, and I learned she was moving away to Illinois. When it came time for her to finally leave, we said our goodbyes. The last thing I did before I never saw her again was give her a quick hug. I had no idea I felt the way I actually did, thinking we were just good friends.

I then continued on my wonderful path of self-destruction and depression, having my first relationship in the fall, which just so happened to end 20 minutes after 2013 began. It's been a rough year.

My best friend, still living in IL, got back in touch with me, and having known her for so long and so well, I realized I loved her. I had loved her since when I had met her. I learned that the only barrier between us was the distance; together we would be unstoppable. Yet things can't change, and she doesn't wish to have an actual long-distance relationship.

A week ago she moved to New York. 2600 miles away, 38 hours by car, and I still love her. We rarely talk because she has many family problems and has had all forms of communication taken away. Still, I remain here, hoping for the improbably future where I can see her again. She still means everything to me, and we trust each other with everything, but things can't resolve.

Given the chance, I would let her know how I feel about her. She means literally everything to me. Without her, I would have already attempted and/or succeeded in killing myself. Funny how the people who care about you and/or you care about the most are the ones you rarely see. No matter how unrealistic it is, part of me is willing to wait for her forever. But to be honest, I'd rather find someone now than wait. Maybe we are destined to be together. Maybe we aren't. I can't say.

Everyday I think of her, and wish that I had someone, anyone, who truly loved me the way I love others. I honestly have no preference to who I might be with. All I need, and all I'm waiting for, is someone who loves me back.
Zorkdeath Zorkdeath
18-21, M
1 Response Apr 3, 2013

I sometimes ask myself why we go through life and make such silly choices.
I wonder if it is all meant to be.
I feel for you. Thanks for sharing your story