My Soul Mate Found Me, But... He's Married!

I am in the most agonizing pain of my life. Now before you jump to any knee-jerk judgments please hear me out. After almost 10 years of marriage to a person that was a good man but a terrible husband, I had a nervous breakdown. We suffered a personal tragedy in our family when one of our children was a victim of a violent crime. I had been the glue that held our marriage together but in the face of the tragedy I really needed my husband to be "my husband". Long story short something just snapped in me and I checked into a mental institution due to the rejection and loneliness I felt. he didn't even know where I was and when i got home and told him how hopeless his rejection made me feel he said to me, "You shouldn't need me that much, you've got Jesus". It was not a conscious decision that I made, but somewhere in my heart I divorced him that day. It had gotten to the point where the relationship was detrimental to my very survival.

In the months that followed I tried to "save us". I suggested counseling, dates and other measures but was rejected on every hand. He didn't really think it was that serious, reason being that we are both devout Christian ministers with a spotless record of integrity and a beautiful family that was admired by all. As he rejected my attempts to salvage the marriage, I grew more distant until one day 'he" showed up.

"He" was another Christian brother that had come to share a business opportunity with us. I didn't think much of him at first but then there was something in his spirit that was drawing me. I can remember the very first time he was at my home that I wanted to speak with him alone. I was not attracted to him, I don't know what I wanted to talk with him about but there was just an intense longing to say something. I was 34, I thought he was a single 32 year old man. I got the shock of my life when I found out that he was 53 and married for 29 years!

Anyway I decided to join the business opp. My husband was not terribly interested but the product was amazing. This of course lent itself to the necessity of spending time with "him". We didn't speak much and there was not much interaction at all. 4 days after I joined the business my husband, and I and our children went to church with "him" and his wife. This was the first time that we all met. that night the preacher was making an illustration and put people by groups on one of the 4 walls of the church by birthday. "He" and I ended up on the same wall. I can remember looking in his eyes and again that deep longing to talk with him alone. I just felt like he could help me, save me... I don't know what but I just needed to talk to him. As I left the church that night, i ran him down and said to him, "you know we have fallen in love with you guys". I couldn't believe it came out of my mouth and he too looked shock. We all didn't even know each other and there was no "we", the truth was that my spirit was in love with his spirit and I had no idea why.

Things progressed along rather quickly after that night. I was soon to find out that his marriage was in a horrible state and that he had been on the verge of divorce for the past 5 years and was just hanging on by a thread. I ignored my feelings and shrugged it off and made a valiant effort to help him and his wife with counseling sessions (this was my particular specialty in ministry, believe it or not!) The counseling only made the connection that much stronger or more obvious. The wife could feel something even though no inappropriate action, word or thought had ever been exchanged. There was an undeniable energy there and she wanted me out of their lives. She began to humiliate him in front of me I guess in an attempt to make him unattractive to me but as you may have guessed this really began to push us closer because since I was in a counseling position with them he would come to me for healing after these brutal humiliation sessions by his wife.

Long story short I eventually was so overwhelmed with feelings for him that I told him I could not work with him anymore and told my husband as well what I was feeling for the man. Both he and my husband assured me that all would be well and encouraged that I continue to work the business and just pray through my feelings. But they were both wrong, by January we were both head over heels in love with each other and it was undeniable and could not be hidden. We had never been physically intimate, it was a heart and soul connection that seemed unbreakable no matter how much we tried to get away from each other. Several times we caused an uproar in our homes because we stayed out until the wee hours of the morning. We never touched each other, we would just sit and talk for hours and never want to leave. Later, my husband kicked me out of the house and told "him" that he could have me and that is when we finally broke and crossed the line to physical intimacy.

Well, it has been about a year now and I divorced my husband. He wanted to work through it but I wanted to leave before my soul mate came and once he showed up I just didn't think it was fair to make my husband play second fiddle in my heart. He regrets losing me after admitting that he never loved me during our entire 11 years of marriage and didn't appreciate what we had. I didn't leave him for my soul mate, it just happened that way. But of course now that I am available I want to marry my soul mate. He loves me in a way that I only dreamed I would ever be loved. He will sit and listen to me talk for hours on end, knows all my favorite foods, texts me and calls me all day long, sleeps on the phone with me when we are apart... he takes care of my needs, speaks life into my soul, provides for me financially, never lets me cook or pump gas, he just spoils me. And well, the way I treat him is just short of worship, lol. And I am ashamed to admit, but our sex life is amazing and we have no restraint around each other. Funny thing about it is he didn't even enjoy having sex before me and now he cant get enough of it, but it is only because of the deep connection and love that we share.

We have tried so many times to end our affair but we have both been consumed with agony and have just given up on the idea of separating. But he is still married! He said he wants to divorce his wife and I believe him. He doesn't lie to me. That is part of the strength of our relationship is that he knows he doesn't have to lie to me. But he is concerned about his wife's emotional condition and their finances if he files for divorce so he keeps telling me to be patient. It has only been 6 months since my divorce and I do believe him. However, I am torn as a woman of God about this. I recently moved to another state just to keep space between us so the sex would stop. I want to be right before God. I know he needs time to end a 30 year marriage but I know that even without the sex just because we are so in love it is adultery none the less. I don't want to stay here for another year. I am going crazy. The level of stress I am under feels like it is going to kill me. I miss him so much I can't stand it and I am tempted to go home but don't trust us together. But then too moving has separated me from my children who remained with their father after the divorce so this separation can't go on much longer, it's not fair to my kids. however if I am not right before God I am not good to anyone!

I just feel so lost. I know that I don't want to be with any other man. I have been counseling couples and relationship for the past 12 years. The love that we share people only dream about. Walking away is not an option but staying seems to be less of an option as time goes on. Will he really get the courage to divorce? How long should I wait? How will I heal if I have to end my relationship with him? I know this is long, thanks for reading it. Sigh...

Tortured in NY

PS This is basically an open affair. All of the people closest to us know about it including his wife. He has never confessed to her how deeply he loves me but he has told her that we had sex. She does not want to divorce him. Just FYI
essenceoflaneen essenceoflaneen
12 Responses Dec 31, 2010

Did it work out

I do understand exactly how you feel. I was married and had 2 children. We were in a comfortable marriage, but absolutely no passion. WE hardly talked and had thought about separation several times. He denies it, but we had. I definitely was missing "love". I was…am also a Christian and was very active in the church and with the youth. My children moved out and went to college and I found it was just the 2 of us. We didn't get a long and I was very tired of where I was at. Some say I was going through "empty nest" syndrome. Probably true. Anyway, I had voiced my unhappiness with our marriage on many occasions, and my response was clearly, "If you don't like it, get out."

Also, during this time, I had an uncontrolling urge to find my first love from when I was 14. I had thought of him often within my 20+ years with my husband, but this time the feeling was stronger. I prayed on many occasions for God to end the emptiness that i was feeling and to give me "human love". My relationship with God was very intimate and close. He spoke, I heard.

Anyway, it happened, one day when my husband was away, I had found "his" number via social networking. I got the nerve to contact him and did. My true intention wa just to say hello, however, there was an instant connection. I told him I was married and he didn't want to have anything to do with me. I texted anyway…we just chatted. My soul had found its mate, and there was nothing I could do to fight the storm that was happening within my soul. Our texts lasted longer and we fell asleep in each others finger tips, just as we did when we were younger. I soon started sleeping on the couch and told my husband what had happened. He begged me to stop talking with him. I couldn't. There was nothing inside of me that wanted to give up what I was feeling. Nothing even came close to the electricity that I felt when we talked. We felt each other from 2000 miles away. Within 3 weeks, I had moved out and filed for divorce. It was insane!

As soon as my divorce was final, I flew out to see him. He was divorced, and had 5 children whom he had full custody of: 3 were teenagers. Our relationship was magnetic and we thought about nothing rationally except how to be together. Within 6 months, he had relocated to where I lived, so that I could keep my career. We tried to make it work, but the storm and guilt inside me from my faith and children just killed me, as well as having a house full of kids in which we parented differently. I didn't allow myself to be happy, he had trouble finding work, so it didn't work out. He moved back to his "home", but we couldn't stop talking and we knew that we were destined to be together. There had to be another way!

Its been 2 years since our relationship started and now I am ready to relocate. The connection that we have is not normal. We are truly one soul and one heart. I look at the phone, he calls. He reads my texts, I feel him. We truly are One. My children, as well, have not forgiven me entirely for leaving their father and it has been an emotional wreck in my former world. But I can't put into words the feelings that happen when you finally find who you were meant to be with in this world. He and I were created as one, before we were born into this world. We prayed at the same time…I prayed for human love. He prayed for a new beginning. We were both unhappy in our former worlds. God heard us, and here we are.

So in a few months, I will be relocating to his part of the US and we will start our lives over together. We plan on marrying this summer.

There are no words to explain the guilt and shame I felt in the face of God. I tore myself up for too long. But I truly believe that we were meant to be together…and despite anything, this connection has made us stronger and brought us both closer to God.

I could be in the bathroom, cooking, cleaning, shopping, at work and all of a sudden his name pops up in my head. He is married now three years and has children. The wife is beautiful. I feel I don't come close to her beauty or her credentials (education and status). His family really loves her. She is everything I am not. Yet, he looks at me from across the church. He is worship leader. He only looks when he thinks no one else is looking. He and I used to have a looking match across the aisles and sometimes I would get so scared, I look away afraid of what people might say and do. I felt I didn't deserve someone like him. Sometimes we would see each other out in the street when he and I would pass through on our separate vehicles. I would put something on, go to church, and see him wearing the same color clothes or shoes. I have seen him in my dreams a hundred times without me willing him to be in them. I have a feeling he thinks and may have dreamed about me too. Now that I'm in North Carolina and he is in South Florida, I sometimes see a glimpse of him or have him in my thoughts like I'm some kind of obsessed woman. I have never been a stalker. Even though we were never together. If he attempted to come after me, if he gets a divorce, I would take him. It is a reaction that would make me feel justified and having purpose in my life. That would mean I belong to him. When they made that announcement in church that he's engaged to be married, my heart dropped. Though, I couldn't make anyone see that. So I hid it well. The time during his engagement, he still stared at me in church as if he really wanted to be with me but couldn't. That look tortures me today. Maybe I should of gone up to him or vice versa. We could have talked. But it was not good. Everyone in that church had their eyes on us. I was ridiculed. Now it's years later. I wonder, what if? I will now have to move on. Find a different path. And if I'm lucky, another soul mate will be just around the corner. Maybe someone better. Someone who will be bold enough to want to be with me. Someone that defies other's opinions of who they think my soul mate should be with. I don't need a wuss. I need a strong man just like he would need me to be strong for him.

Wow, your update was not one I expected. It is so rare in those situations for the two people to end up together. I am glad for you that it turned out the way it did. You must truly have something's something we all yearn to have. Life feels so complicated sometimes and I wish this path to true love was easier to walk on. Thank you again for sharing, for your honesty and for your update. This topic is such a taboo and I think we all have experienced the loneliness that comes with it since we are unable to share with those around us. I hope your next update is even better than this one. XoXo.

My sister I will pray for you both and I'm compiled with your story of true love cause me my self as a minister of CHRIST For the past year I found myself and my high school sweet heart reunited after manys years and when I saw her in my mind I said the TimIng couldn't have been any worst but in my heart i was saying the time couldn't have been any better cause I'm in a marriage as a god fearing men where I know I should be in love with my wife but that just isn't the case and I just feel in trapped cause of my love for my kids and god and instead of love for her I feel sorrow.and I don't want to wrong in the sight of the LORD cause I know adultery is wrong and can cause me to go to hell.but with all my wisdom I found my self to be in love with my high school sweet heart ,she Is a friend ,a sister ,a partner a part of men I've been missing since I pray everyday for the LORD to guide me and keep my soul from going to hades cause of my love for another women not my wife. anD if this is a treat by the enemy to knock me down in my faith I asked and pray the LORD will rescue me from under his hand but if this is the will of GOD in my life he will make a way where there isn't he will part the red sea once again in our love for each other so I thank you sister for your courage and faith and I will pray for you please keep me in your prayers I need it cause I'm in the battle of my life for the love of my life.<br />
Peace and love in our LORD <br />
<br />
Yours truly <br />

Update:<br />
<br />
I was by no means trying to justify the wrongness of adultery. My only intent was and is to validate the rightness of TRUE love. If false love had to die for true love to live, then that is a charge against my account I will gladly bare. Like they say in the world of finance: there is good debt and bad debt, useless debt and worthy debt. The same is true for pain: there is useless pain and productive pain. This pain that was caused by our affair was productive and I do expect "lovingly ever after" with him.<br />
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As for now, our relationship is stronger than ever. The divorce is still not finalized. He moved closer to me. We only live 8 minutes apart now. It used to be almost an hour. That has been wonderful. I can do things that I never could before, like have early breakfast with him or if I miss him in the middle of the night he can be over in just minutes to hold me. It amazes me how beautifully we get along. The harmony between us is incredible. We can sit in a room together doing two different activities and still feel as if we are doing it as one. To lay there next him reading a book, or just doing nothing at all is like lying in a field of fragrant wild flowers looking up a blue sky full of butterflies and decorated with a rainbow. I mean that it is simply wonderful!<br />
<br />
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The divorce is still not final. It has been a long road but I love this man like I never knew love existed and I know he feels the same way for me. I am very excited about being able to marry him. My only concern now is his wife's reaction and whether or not she is going to continue to fight him and make the process drag out. But I don't care, now that I can finally see an end in sight, I don't care if it takes years more, I will wait expectantly for the day I am his wife.<br />
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To experience love like this is more rare than winning the lottery or getting struck by lightning twice. Everyone told me I was a fool and that he would never divorce. But I knew this was more real than anything most people will ever experience. I had to block them all out and go with my heart. We have an amazing relationship; our love life and our friendship is beyond incredible. I am just glad I waited and glad love gave him the courage to end his 30 year prison sentence. I hope the best for his soon to be ex-wife, I pray that she will be found by a man that will love her the way my soon to be husband loves me.<br />
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This is my update. I will post again when there is more to tell.

I have to say I'm going through the same thing and I wouldn't change it for the world! This man is my everything we had lost contact once we hit high school he is now married with two kids and me myself have four and he loves me and my kids. He has always said we were soul mates its a feeling i have never felt before. He's leaving his unhappy marriage for me. We are 42 and our love has never changed it only gets stronger its like even though we were apart our souls were still connected.

The feeling that was in your heart for this man in the begining was a mystery to you... but, strong nevertheless. Some might feel this feeling was a soulmate "urging". I too have experienced a soulmate "urging" for someone other than my husband. In my case, however... I had met this individual a decade ago, and could never forget his face or our conversations. My soul ached for this individual for years... and when I found out he was married... I was crushed. I eventually healed and moved on to marry another man years later. My marriage was to a small town minister a Godly individual. Our relationship was shakey though.... and I always felt that he could not love me deeply and he felt the same about me. After six years and one child...we separated. Because we both did not believe in divorce ...we tried to reconcile for God and for our child on more than one occassion. During the two year separation...thoughts of this other man would wash over me....even wake me up in the middle of the night. I would just sob....but, I could never understand it... the power that these feelings had over me. That's why I like to term them "urgings". It's like a force, perhaps a divine force, placing these feelings there in my heart... so as to "urge me in a particular direction"... to make contact. Now I'm a Christian as well... so this has been a struggle and has inflicted pain for many years. To make a long story short... I finally broke down and emailed this person, knowing he was married. I remembered the college he coached for. Now to my supprise...he responded quickly. He was feeling the same. This was so overwhelming that I wept bitterly that night. How could I feel something so true with someone who I knew briefly and never even dated. I knew that he was not the sort of man to leave a wife of 11 years or children. I'm not the kind of person that would ever tear a family apart... So we just continued to email for over a course of a year..... we talked about our kids, weather,work, and hobbies. We never let it get beyond the plesantries... Just recently... I felt that this was not good for anyone and certainly not for myself...because I was deeply in love. I did not feel it would be right to continue spiritually, so I emailed the final message... to which he did not respond. I truely believe in my heart that if God placed Him in my life with those "urgings"... there must have been a reason. Of course... I would love to believe it was because he is my soulmate and one day we will be reunited somehow. So like you... I have placed my heart in God's loving hands... and I just want "His" will to triumph. This heartbreaking situation is motivating me to move forward... loving, laughing, celebrating life....But in the back of my mind...Mike is there.... and not a day goes by, good or bad, that I do not sigh, sink into my comfortable posture...longing to see him just once more. <br />
May all your dreams come true in God's time with HIs blessing. You wounldn't want it any other way...right?

thank you for sharing such a detailed and honest account of your story. it really touched me to hear all of that. i was recently in a somewhat similar situation myself. after reading your update on the situation you have obviously made your decision in regards to waiting or not for him. i'm inspired by your strength and ability to look at the situation and be grateful for what it was and now you are ready to move on. i hope i get to the same place that it seems you are at. i would love to hear an even more recent update.

I know what u must be going through, I too have found my soul mate who is married. The first time we were together it was just about sex then the more we talked and text each other we realized we loved each other, neither of us had experience a love like this. Its really unexplainable how I feel for this man. I would do anything to be with him but waiting is just not an option, I don't want to be one of those woman who settle to b second best. I've tried so many times to leave him but when I'm 10 steps out the door there he is holding my hand. His wife knows about us but she wont leave him. We talk about the future and he says he wants to marry me and give him a child. But, I can't help but feel trapped, I mean if he can lie to his wife about us how do I know he's not bullshitting me. I love him so much but I can't find the strength to let go. He say's he would leave her but I've been promised the moon and stars to many times. Help me over come my fears and leave this man for good.

as i hav said i feel wat u hav done is right and u'll continue to do so........<br />
moreover i appreciate it that you are a wonderful human,and at the end thats wat matters.......<br />
take care!!! and be happy.........

@don030389. You sound very wise to be so young. your comment and a similar one on another board warmed my heart so much. It was just very soothing. I know that God put it in your heart to write. Just minutes before you posted, I called him and wrote him and told him that I released him. I love him enough to let him go. His love got me through I really tough season that otherwise would have killed me. I am strong enough to stand now and therefore I let him Go. I want him to be sure in his heart that he is leaving his wife because his marriage is over and not just because he opted for an exchange. I think he and I both know that I didn't end his marriage anymore than he ended mine but it is right for us to separate so that all things be done in order. the separation has been painful but I have been here 3 weeks now. They say it takes 21 days to create a new habit and it does seem that I am finally starting to exhale a little bit again. I am laughing a little bit harder and crying less these days. I am going to be OK. If he comes back for me I am blessed. If he chooses tradition, I am still blessed for having had the experience. If I have to give my heart to another man one day, I will never be deceived again about what love looks and feels like because I have experienced it as it should be, and that is a gift that I treasure. <br />
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Thank you for your comment. I will update you all in the future when there is some sort of end to this story. For now it's a season cliffhanger, lol.

i'm not very good in giving advice n i'm too young to understand d traumas dat 1 experience in a bad married life.but i felt a heavy load type in my heart wen i read ur story n wen i thought how u must have felt.......<br />
i think if its an open affair n still his wife is not ready to divorce than she must b dependent on him(emotionally,financially or for some other reasons)so instead of thinking over wat will happen next....just keep d faith in God and if he's ur soulmate than dont end off d relation,uptill now i think wat you have done is right.i'm sure you'll continue to do so.........<br />
jst like you are emotionally attached wid ur family even if u moved out(as ur ex husband agreed to it),same way he might have d same emotional being entirely different.....<br />
so i think its best to understand dat way......he's ur soulmate so u n him sud b always on one side never get torn in 2 sides........<br />
i wish you luck..........