I am new to this. Have never had an 'online relationship', so to speak. Am not yet comfortable with much of the jargon. Don't know what trophies or points are. More or less stumbling around, figuring I'll eventually get it. I am susceptible to mood swinges and have become some what of a recluse. I remain polite most of the time, but I have a hard time being out and about because (except 2 wk. relapse) I've only been sober  for 6 months, after 36+ years of absolute "party animal" mode. The party's been over for years, but I was unable to stop drinking. I black out. Do and say things that I later regret. I am affraid of myself. After two very damaging suicide attempts and 3 months in a mental institution, I am a much weaker man. My intelligence is not in question, but there is a loose screw in me. Other than giving and receiving several ***-whippings over the years with fellow drunks and a few bullies, I am not a danger to others. I am not sure what I seek, or if I even have a point. I know that I find relief in communication. I feel it's best for me, at this time, to keep physically remote. However, hugs are very nice. Does anyone relate to this?

zhafar zhafar
56-60, M
11 Responses Mar 9, 2010

You are a good man at heart,I have seen a glimpse of a very decent and caring man,allow your friends on the site to know you a little better :-)

It sounds to me that you waited too long. Whose fault is that. To hide behind that whole "co-dependent" bullshit, is just as cowardly as the drunks denial.

I am glad to hear (read) that you have quit. I hope it takes. <br />
<br />
I [had] a husband who was an alcoholic. He wouldn't admit he had a problem. So, he never even tried. He lost himself in the alcohol. Lost all his self respect, the respect of his [drinking] buddies, I don't think he ever had. If they respected him, they would never have been so disrespectful to his wife and children. If he respected himself, he would never have let them get away with it. I left him because of this disrespect. I really thought it was me and his children that he had no respect for, but I was wrong. It was himself. Not that it would have made a difference. I would have had to leave him anyhow because he met this new [friend] who beat his wife to keep her in line and he came home one night and told me how much he admired the guy because he knew how to keep his wife in line.( Before that, he hadn't ever struck me. He wasn't really respectful, but he never hit any of us.) I told him that he'd better not think he could ever hit me more than once. He laughed at me and said, "So it's okay if I hit you once?" I said that , no it isn't okay for him to hit me once, but that I could only be sure he would never hit me a second time. He didn't get it. Until the next time his friend was visiting and he felt the need to show that he was as much of a man as his friend and he hit me and shared a smirk with his friend. I asked him if he was done, he said no that felt good; so he did it again. So I was wrong. He did hit me a second time. But he never got to do it a third time. I got our daughter out of bed, gave her a bag to pack her favourite clothes and toys in and I packed my essentials and called a cab and went to the nearest shelter. That wasn't the end of our relationship, It took me five more years to learn that we just weren't going to work through this. But he never did hit me again. He destroyed everything I owned. Killed my dog. Drove away my friends. But he never hit me again. Because I told him, "I've already left you. The only thing I can do to defend myself if you ever hit me again is to hit you back." For some reason, he believed that I could and would hit him. And I think it scared him. Not enough to quit drinking. The story of how and why I finally kicked him all the way to the curb is one for another time and another place.

Hey man. Came across this and it resonated with me a lot. I too am a recovering addict but my dark road was less short than yours since I'm only 32. I am glad that you've found an outlet for your ex<x>pressions without the booze. Hang in there. Life is much cooler once you gain a little clarity and real truth begins to emerge. Keep seeking my friend but know one thing. You are perfect as you are. Just because you've made mistakes doesn't mean that you are a mistake. Your trials and tribulations could help someone else who hasn't seen the light yet. You are a better person because of your experiences and not in spite of them. <br />

Trophies mean what ever you want them to mean. Some people need them to feel accredited, but the question is, do you? Besides that. Plug on. Don't know that much 'bout you, but let up on yourself.

bless your heart, honey.

Yes. More than I care to share online. I put alot of thought and time into answering this the first time, and it didn't post. so, think poistive, don't make any emotionally based decisons, seek the services of a psycologist in training, contact me privately if you want to know more about self-help, that's what I'm into learning the internet is a powerful tool, use it wisely and balance your time, set goals, don't get lost on here I keep doing it

i would like to nurture you back to full health! (:

Feeling like you're only hurting yourself is a convenient cover that prevents you from seeing the severity of your dammages. Self-destructive behaviors are in my opinion more dangerous than those involving others because there are lesser chances of you getting help other than yourself and those wbo know your torments.<br />
C'mon man, get in, let's do a bit of road together.<br />
<br />
PS: two people with 'knot' in their name replying to you :-)

ohh i hope you dont live in brantford ontario...!..that would be cuz thats were he was from!..

awww): speaking of you look fumilair.. i used to go out with a 50 yr old..well actaully 48 at that time...up untill 5 month ago..after 20 yrs of marriage with his now (exwife) he told me he went kinda loopy to from that.. .i felt sorry for him anyways....yeah you kinda look like him...err actaully alot dammit...O-o i miss him alot..btw are you jewish?? i wasnt with him long...apparently he was didnt know that!...lmao...gunna take me a while to fully get over this man....wasnt a long relationship even tho..*sigh*