I Know Your Out There... Somewhere.......

What the hell is love?...  I mean, real love...  to fall madly INLOVE.. with a person...  What does it feel like?... 

I ask myself that question almost everyday now..   After enduring many lonely married years, I made the very difficult decision to leave...  It took alot, alot of guts..  I am now a single mother of 2, who lived in a beautiful house, in a beautiful neighborhood..  I was completely in love with my surroundings, everything looked so comfortable and homey on the outside...  I just couldn't figure out why the hell I was so willing to let my soul, my character, my dreams..  everything about who I was..  to let all of it be comprised..  There was no positive or happy, comfortable, homey feelings left in any part of my being..  I was an emotional zombie, just waking up.. going to work.. go home, cook dinner, drink a shitload.. and go to bed...  (notice in that statement I mention zero about my children...  I just felt as if I had nothing left to give) only to wake up and do it all over again the next day..  ... 

Of coarse there are many, many reasons why I had allowed my life to crumble around me..  Perhaps at some point, I'll feel the need to disclose all of the needless drama I would just choose to ignore...   But not today... 

My breaking point?..  The friggen internet..  I swear, it's either a blessing or a sin for most married couples.....  In my case...  it was a blessing...  a very much needed, eye opening, soul searching blessing...  There he was..  Mr. "E"...  he was the catalyst.... that's all it takes, all it takes to spark alittle curiousity in the back of ones mind...  To start to fanatize again, to dream, to imagine HOW much different my life could possibly be...  When a unhappily married person starts to communicate with the outside world..  Watch the hell out people...  Needless to say..  I'm no longer with "Mr. E.", I can say our paths were meant to cross, he was meant to get me outta that hell hole of a trap I allowed myself to be caged into... 

Sooo...  what now?..  I have gone threw the many stages of finding oneself again..  and quiet frankly, it's been a very rewarding journey...  Everyday I wake up and think how much I love myself and my life again..  I'm poor as **** now, but it doesn't matter...  For ONCE, it doesn't matter..  I no longer need to disguise my unhappiness with buying useless garbage, that really wasn't making me any happier..  It was just padding for the emotional elevator I was riding up and down on.. 

Sooo...  where are you?...  There HAS to be a man out there..  a REAL man..  that can be emotionally open to falling inlove, can communicate, be of sound moral character, be romantic (with only me), who doesn't cheat...  Someone who doesn't specialize in the BAIT AND SWITCH technique..  Which by the way, I seem attract those types of men..  I finally recognized THAT a few weeks ago...  THANK GAWD... yikes!  How I'm gonna figure out if it's the next guys major, I have no idea..  it's still a work in progress... :)   

I will not settling for anyone less than I deserve....  It's just NOT gonna happen.. ..  those days are over...   Well...  thanks for listening....    anddddddd Mr. Perfect...  I'll be emotionally ready for you when you finally get here..  and we are going to have alot of fun together..  I can't wait..  <3
tindetater tindetater
36-40, F
1 Response Jul 10, 2010

Tindetater, With every wish and thought you put out into the universe, you are drawing this special person towards you. Ask and then believe in your asking. Inspiring story.<br />
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PrinceAdonis, What a beautiful poem. Full of love and longing and a tribute to a person who meant so much.