Alone Is Not Lonely.

I'm from a mixed marriage.  I like privacy and my own space, but my husband and his whole family are "togetherists".

Last night we had an argument (not for the first time) about why I lock myself in the bathroom every night after the kids are in bed.  To clarify, I am not having a serious medical problem, it just happens that the bathroom is the only door with a lock. 

I have tried to explain that voluntarily leaving me alone for an hour each night (or at a minimum, four nights a week) will eliminate my urge to lock him out.  I'll be brief and just tell you that he can't do that.  My togetherist husband, is also an optimist.  To him an unlocked door is an invitation to the party.

I don't have a hidden agenda and I'm not staying in there because I'm mad, though If he stands at the door asking me what's wrong enough times I can become a little testy.  I just need to be alone for a little while each day.  I need it like togetherists need constant companionship.

I don't understand the togetherists, though I have had the oportunity to study them with a Margaret Mead-like intensity.  On the surface they present as loving and attentive, but deep down, they are plotting ways to take your individuality from you and smother you with their herd mentality. 

O.K., I may still be fresh from the fight and stating my position somewhat defensively.  Let me instead tell you why I like to be alone.

I love the quiet and peace of alone time.  I love to be able to laugh or sing or just daydream without needing to explain.  I love to read alone and without interruption.  I love  the feeling of having space and autonomy during alone time.  Did I mention the quiet.  Who doesn't like quiet?

So my husband's family will continue to find me peculiar, and yes they have said that very thing right to my face.  And I will continue to find them glued to each other and bleeting for me like I'm a lost lamb. But I will scrap with them all for my bathroom with the lock and my dear, precious hour alone.


Mikki Mikki
31-35, F
3 Responses May 19, 2007

man i totally understand what you're goin through. I don't know why people don't understand you just need time for yourself...people for some reason just cling to me when i'm trying to get away from them lol...its so irritating.

I feel the same that I agree that because you want to be alone doesn't mean you're anti-social (well, maybe sometimes!!) or lonely - it can be GREAT!!!<br />
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I savour just looking out my bedroom window at the leaves softly blowing and the birds singing away - and I feel sorry for people who can't find time to be alone. But everyone's different I guess... "no tree in the wood grows alike" I guess as my ma used to say.<br />
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If I go out for a walk in the street - people can actually make me feel lonely - I mean they're all in their own worlds doing their own thing, of course, but I just can't wait to get back to my little haven of a home and rest my soul, so to speak!! <br />
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I make an effort to seem friendly when I go to shops etc. but inside i'm all stressed and I suffer a bit of agaraphobia so it's very hard for me but i make myself stay out that little bit longer, or browse in a shop I like for a little bit more. sometimes people surprise me by saying sth. nice which is good and then I feel happier.<br />
I think I'm quite open-minded and I have lived quite a lot and travelled quite a lot so that maybe helps.<br />
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Last night was horrible as I accidentally threw out the filter of the new (cupuccina/coffee frother machine!! and my husband took it out in the rubbish so he woke me very early today, Sunday, to look for it immediately (!") and I nervously started looking suspecting the worse, the thing is he broke the plastic clip that was supposed to stop it from falling off and it was as if it was meant to happen to me - we have terrible fights and then if I get annoyed he says I'm shouting and I'm not, it's just that I can't always hear myself speaking loudly....... I have that over-sensitive hearing probleml, tintanitus or sth. where I can hear a feather fall to the ground (exagarration!). Any how to get back to the subject I DO like being alone and reading/watching film on my own, drawing anything.............and do not have friends here in spain - I find the mentality a bit different here and they are so damned sociable they are boring!!<br />
bye for now

I fully understand your need and desire to have 'alone' time. I often do it myself.