Am I Crazy?

Ever since i was 12, i already had thoughts of suicide. I would sit to myself and think of ways to end my life by any means possible... I wanted an escape.... and escape from this hell hole i call home.. years past and i seem to have better control over this suicidal rage... and the self-mutilation stopped for awhile.

Early last year, as problems arise; family feuds became rampen and i grew weak from desire to hurt myself came back... It gave me this sense of enjoyment, just cutting myself.

I often think i'm crazy and actually DONT want to do it anymore, but the sight if the scar as blood gently oozes out seems so fascinating and fulfilling.

It's funny that I am actually a person who doesn't like pain, but these cuts seem so painless. Early last month, my boyfriend and my best friend found out about my scars and immediately warned me to stop. I felt angry. The anger for wondering, do they empathize what i'm going through?

I used to cut myself only when i'm really really really down... but recently, the sight of a blade would just excite me! I would often think to myself "just one cut! just one! i can say the cats did it. no biggie" But after the first cut and the first draw of blood, i'd get even more excited and just kept going and going. :/

I really want to stop... i don't think this is very healthy... I do express myself in other ways like drawing or making handicrafts but those never seem enough. D8

Am i crazy?
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 20, 2013