Am I Crazy?

Ever since i was 12, i already had thoughts of suicide. I would sit to myself and think of ways to end my life by any means possible... I wanted an escape.... and escape from this hell hole i call home.. years past and i seem to have better control over this suicidal rage... and the self-mutilation stopped for awhile.

Early last year, as problems arise; family feuds became rampen and i grew weak from desire to hurt myself came back... It gave me this sense of enjoyment, just cutting myself.

I often think i'm crazy and actually DONT want to do it anymore, but the sight if the scar as blood gently oozes out seems so fascinating and fulfilling.

It's funny that I am actually a person who doesn't like pain, but these cuts seem so painless. Early last month, my boyfriend and my best friend found out about my scars and immediately warned me to stop. I felt angry. The anger for wondering, do they empathize what i'm going through?

I used to cut myself only when i'm really really really down... but recently, the sight of a blade would just excite me! I would often think to myself "just one cut! just one! i can say the cats did it. no biggie" But after the first cut and the first draw of blood, i'd get even more excited and just kept going and going. :/

I really want to stop... i don't think this is very healthy... I do express myself in other ways like drawing or making handicrafts but those never seem enough. D8

Am i crazy?
masiemai masiemai
1 Response Jan 20, 2013

Its not crazy, I've been the same way since i was 11. I love it too! I've never been a fan of burning though, i like the blood. I also pick at my skin a lot and create open wounds on my arms and hands. I cut my legs, hips, arms. Everything! I also have bulimia & anorexia. I've recently gone from 156 to 117 in three months! :3 I don't go around showing these things off to people, nor do I tell many people. So I don't openly support this kind of life style of harm. But if someone were to come to me and open up about it, I'd be there 100% and give them tips. Same as if they wanted help to stop. People say that this is "mental" disorder; I say it's a lifestyle. A lifestyle I plan of living for the rest of my life (I plan on living till I am 36). I grew up in low rentals, single mom, only child. I grew a close relationship with my mom, but I always had terrible tantrums; once When I was 6 I tore my room apart and even moved my bed into the middle of the room (wasn't a huge bed, just a single bed) I would throw myself down the stairs and play with my "friends" all day. I would be a teach, play hospital, dentist, doctor, sometimes I'd pretend to be a bad guy and attack my family members or guests we had over. As I went into junior high, I went from 126lbs to 90lbs and my family took me to a therapist. Half way through grade 9 and three physiologist later, I stopped going. To the normal person they would say I have gotten worse, I just say I have grown more in my growth of whatever it is I am. I have different friends, but still have one same one. 7 is still my un-lucky number, while 3,6, and 9 are the safest. I have my weird compulsions still. I know it is expected of me as a citizen to get help or be put on medication, but half the time I am confused of who I want to be. Sometimes I want to die, other times I just want to be a partier, other times a mother & some say I still act as if I am 3 (with how much I rely on them, things I do, and the fact that I love drinking out of a bottle) I sometimes stay home or waste my time in these "dream worlds" of mine. When I'm in these worlds I can be who I want and act as I want. Nothing can hurt me either. I'm a fourteen year old girl. I turn fifteen this January. I'm terrified to live the rest of my life this way.