I want to know the joy of getting pregnant. The joy of having a new life grow within me. And the joy of bringing that life into the world through child birth. But alas I will never know such joy. I was born male and after 35 years as such my body is irreversibly male in every way. Had I been able to start HRT when I was 10-12 years old I might be able to get a special surgery to let me know the joy of child birth. The bones of the male are shaped wrong and the Organs are in the wrong place and some are even to big. The male brain is even so different that it will not allow for the development of a new life in the body.

The closest I will ever come to knowing the joy I seek is through the stories of others. If anyone is willing to share.
Rose35 Rose35
36-40, T
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

Never give up on that dream things happen more quickly now and in the next 5 years there might be an experiment trying to do just that.

I have written a paper on a possible surgery but it has been thrown out by every doctor that has read it simply because it involves transplanting the reproductive organs on 2 people instead of 1.

I have had five children and six pregnancies. I'd love to share and hope it doesn't make you feel all the worse.
When I first became pregnant I was 21 and very lost in life. It was a one week stand with a New Age traveller and my mum convinced me to terminate....worst thing I've ever done.
I remember the flash of energy when conceiving and the quickening at 7 weeks. The quickening was fantastic! It felt like a fluttering in my womb and a racing of energy filled with the all the bliss of the universe. I was in love, a love id never known before and didn't understand fully. I wish I hadn't been so young and misguided. I had no sense of personal power. I grieve for her still, all the time and I still feel her there, she lives in my tears and hovers around my other children. My first true love!
Each pregnancy has felt different but always brings a feeling of being whole and one with the universe. I also have a sense of pride and overwhelming joy, even through the 3 months of atrocious sickness I get every time!!! Lol
I can feel the huge spirit living in such a tiny being inside me and the energy of the personality connects with mine. Just a knowing. An in -loveness. The ultimate love.
The waiting is exciting and terrifying. Usually by the end of the pregnancy I am sooo over the waiting but not looking forward to the pain.
The last birth was a little over three months ago and, as you can imagine, I performed like a pro and I was so glad I didn't haemorrhage like last time when I almost needed a transfusion. I calmly drove myself to the hospital alone and walked through the hospital because I went to the wrong door, told the nurse I was having him, waited to be believed and a few hours later he was in my arms. When he cries my milk spills over for him. When I see his glowing beautiful face my heart overflows. It's funny that I had no idea that saying had a feeling that goes with it. An actual feeling inside my chest. A bursting organ. A movement and pressure.I had no idea love could make me feel like I'm bursting an organ before I had children!
This time I welcomed the pain like an old friend.
For each birth the best experience is the final push and relief in body, then feeling the warmth of this tiny little being's flesh against mine still connected but beginning the journey away from each other physically. Helpless and so in need of me. In need of me for everything, in need of me to be my best. There are tears and blood and relief and happiness and I'm in love love love, gazing at a beautiful face I can't take my eyes off for hours, days, weeks, months, years!
There's nothing else like nurturing another life inside your own body. There's nothing as lovely as the smiles of my children and their constant wonderment and mine because of them.
I never planned any of these pregnancies but my body really desired my second pregnancy. One year before I conceived him my breasts were making colostrum. I thought I was ill! I gave up smoking and drinking and started looking for a man!
I hope you find something that eases your pain and satisfies your longing. In the end we can all return to this bliss. And I know that doesn't satisfy in the life that is now but I can tell you you'll be received into the arms of the mother of all again and feel these exact same feelings. I'm sending this out to you sincerely and hope you can tap into it and feel it, even if just for a moment. Open yourself to it. I'll be thinking of you if you can meditate on it.