Love Gone Dumb

okay, so right off the bat there are a couple of things that i should make clear so you can get the whole picture. firstly i am a lesbian. i hate saying that, because i don't like to be labeled. i am much more than that, but in the past 9 tears i have only been with beautiful women. secondly i think that i am attracted to straight women because it is a challenge and i think that i don't really want to be with anyone person for the rest of my life. at least that's what i'm trying to find out...if i secretly want to be on my own. it's like i sabotage the relationship before it even begins. i currently went through a breakup with an amazing women with whom i had been with for six years. we met at a lodge on a boat and sailed off into the sunset everynight. after the lodge we travelled and worked as we went. finally settling down in a city with a cute little apartment and a cat. we dreamed of getting married, possibly having children and buying a nice house. my family loved, loves her and her family....well let's just say they didn't take to me at first. so our lives were sailing along just great, her with a respectable well paying job and my career taking off as well. just as things were looking pretty good she slams me with a "i think i might get my own place". at first i was shocked and wanted to know when she decided this and how long had she felt like this. i went for a walk and was surprised to realize i felt a sense of relief. i had felt so responsible for her, for bringing her into "this lifestyle". she said it was too hard. that getting married and having children would be too hard. can't love make it okay? now our love was strong, so i thought. we would have candle light dinners, bubble baths, dancing in the livingroom, flowers, camping trips, biking trips, we would dream together, and tell eachother everything and i mean everything.

so now here i am living with all of my crap in boxes, with the cat of course....he loves me! and oh yeah, we just leased a $30,000 car that i am now stuck with for three more years.  the weird thing is that the breakup was discussed on a tuesday i packed on the wednesday and thursday and moved on the friday. i gave up pretty quick. i think i always knew. why would i stay if i always knew? she is my best friend. the sex sucked, but i think i would have always stayed. i am very loyal.

i worry that i will continue the cycle. i just want someone that wants to have fun, is honest, light hearted, hard working, down to earth, likes to play, party and enjoy life. is that possible? i think i'm doomed to be alone. a crazy cat lady maybe. a drunk crazy cat lady.

well, if you read this and have any thoughts, feel free. please be gentle, i'm sensitive.

doubleskip doubleskip
26-30, F
Jan 11, 2007