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Caught By My Wife......again!

Over the years, I have purged my collection of bras, panties, and other nice things due to my wife deciding enough is enough. After a few months, I feel I have to start collecting again.
I always wear panties, and she has no problem with them. I wear bras without her knowing, but she washes and puts them away without a word.
For the past week or so, I have started wearing a bra to bed. She said nothing, and even washed them and put them away. However, each morning, she would give me the look and walk away. In a few minutes, it's like nothing happened.
Yesterday, I put one on under a dark colored shirt. My favorite orange and white one. Until I was helping get dinner ready, she noticed it and asked if I had a bra on under my shirt. Of course, I said yes. She threw her fit about having it on and someone coming to the house and seeing me with it on, especially my boys. I tried to explain why I wear them, how long, and how many times I have gotten rid of them just to start over again. She didn't want to hear my explanation and turned around and said I could just quit.
I tried to tell her it just doesn't work that way, but to deaf ears. Again, she just walked off. In a few minutes, it was like nothing happened. But, I didn't take it off and wore it the rest of the day. Tonight, I have on my black bikini panties with a black Fredricks of Hollywood bra and plan on wearing them to bed. I'm sure I will get the look in the morning, but maybe little by little, she will give in. Then I can start on the skirt and blouse. Who knows. Til then, wish me luck.
helpmerhondas helpmerhondas 61-65, M 22 Responses Aug 18, 2012

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Wishing you much luck Rhonda!

good luck hope it works out

My ex knew about my crossdressing and never accepted it either. She would choke if she saw me now. I tried to invite you to join our circle but couldn't leave a message on your whiteboard. If you'd like to join 350 of your sisters please visit my profile page and I add you as a friend, I'm Teri, by the way

The situation may be too tense to be able to talk it out with her. Instead you might be better off putting it into a letter explaining how you feel.

FIRST, before anything else, address what are likely her fears: Namely that you either want to become a woman and/or that you're gay. If neither of those are true, great... that's half the battle. If either of them is true, she's going to have a very difficult time understanding you or how your relationship can work.

Give a brief (get it? brief? panties? HA!) history, when and how you started. Explain how powerful the feelings are and what happens when you try to deny them for long periods of time, and how much better you feel when you give in.

Make it clear you're willing to work with her on this. Look for a compromise where her biggest concerns -- the neighbors seeing, you turning into a woman, the children (if any) being upset, etc. -- are addressed, while still giving you some time to be you, within those limits. Maybe it means never going out dressed. Maybe it means dressing is OK but no makeup or wig. Maybe dressing and makeup and wig are OK but she can't call you by another name or be romantic with you while you're en femme. Whatever... the point is to agree to those terms and stick with them, EVEN WHEN YOU THINK SHE WON'T FIND OUT. Men who make promises that are only good as long as they think someone is watching get no sympathy from me. I've seen so many marriages broken up, not just from crossdressers with unsympathetic wives, but from anyone who thinks "Maybe if I just keep pushing at this a little bit at a time, she'll give in."

And finally, go out of your way to romance her the way she fell in love with you. Don't make her focus on you and your dressing all the time. Do things -- as a man -- that she loves. Make her know that she is still the center of your world.

If she still wants counseling, agree to go as a couple so you can both explain your point of view. Sometimes just talking it out in front of a neutral third party can open communication that would otherwise be closed.

Good luck!

Hey, CDralph2010 has great advice, from the top to the bottom. I went to counseling with my wife for some relationship issues, not crossdressing and my wife brought this up. Boy was I surprised at the counselors response,"which is she had been with a crossdresser" and did not think this was such a big deal. Then she met with my wife without me, and all her behavior changed for the better. She then realized she needed to accept me for who I was, and I needed to hear how she could do this and help her along. We also needed to have a flourishing relationship outside of crossdressing and this took more work than the crossdressing believe it or not. Turns out relationships are like boats, they all need maintenance and our did for sure. Once we started communicating our real selves more effectively, crossdressing became her suggestion, with me being a happy follower. Now after 10 years and being empty nesters ( another key ingredient I feel) she surprises me with panites, bras, girdles, stockings, slips, and nighties. We hit Marshalls, the local discount store and get matching outfits at times. We cruise the dress racks and act like a couple of girl friends out for the afternoon dress deal pursuit. I am not dressed outwardly when we do this of course, but am underneath. I have found my fem side has found more expression naturally, independent of how I dress, which brings us closer. I have also found my wife able to express more of her maleness which is also in there waiting to come out, in fact some of those moments are a real turn around since we exchange roles mentally at random, and have a good aha moment which brings us closer together. Now don't get the idea that all is wonderland, we still have our day to day frustrations and petty issues but we can resolve and move through them without having a melt down. I guess the hardest thing that is most central is to have mutual respect, trust, and openness all rolled into one. Internally one has to have the courage to reveal oneself as in crossdressing while not pushing the other person away. None of this is easy stuff but it sure has a wonderful payoff. CDralph2010 outlines it quite well.

Thanks for the help. You brought up things I had not thought of.

From your desc<x>ription sounds like your wife can accept you but doesn't want anyone outside the house to know. Being surprised by your expansion of your dressing into the bra territory which can easily be detected might make her nervous. My wife has this fear of me being discovered and how it might impact both of our lives. I am not so worried but know it would make things difficult for a time but nevertheless I do not live alone. I have asked for her permission or at least checked with her about dressing more outwardly around the house, with positive results and had a wonderful time. Dressing while on vacation in another city is much easier on both of us, but I do not go out in public. Hang in there, she most likely does not want to loose you, still loves you and might even enjoy participating if you also let her in by asking her to come along with you.<br />
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Good luck, you are about half way there from what you describe.

oh i commend your persistence and having the courage to do that. Good for your and keep at it she will realize your still you

I totally understand my dear. I have been there and I know how much you can wish for that day when acceptance will be the response. I wish you well and hope things really get better for you and your wife.

i think we have all been thee<br />
women just dont understand<br />
its just clothes after all (although we know different)

I wish to thank everyone for their support and advice. I will slowly attempt to talk and get her to understand how I feel and what I have been going through for almost 60 years. You don't know much bette I feel with friends like you.

Hi :) This is obviously something very difficult for her to get her head around and accept... I think its so important to TALK about this without either of you getting too angry... easier said than done, especially when she is saying nothing a lot of the time- the hurt and anger she feels seems to be building up until she explodes! Find a time to approach her before an explosion for discussion. Bring it all out in the open. See what she has to say and listen. Maybe she feels threatened by your bra wearing, etc. Reassure her with honest confirmation of how you feel, and why you do this. It can be hard to accept all aspects of a person, but you have the right to express yourself in whatever way is true to you. I think it will take a lot of work on her part to accept this, so understand her struggle and help her through that as much as you can. Good luck!

Thanks for your support and advice. Will keep everyone posted on my progress.

it is a difficult subject to broach

Best of luck Rhonda.

My family tells me the same thing, if you are (in my case transsexual) you are who you are, running from it or trying to only makes things worse.

I agree with you, Kimberly. And that goes for us who are transgendered as well. Unlike clothes, which we can put on and take off, the feminine can't be taken off and is always with us.

im into the pantie bit, i love to wear them. in fact 24/7. but bras . started to bye my own. tried to wear my girlfriends but are to small. she dosent know about the bras. i know she wouldnt approve. i have plain panties she washes, she thinks they are mensnylon bikinis.i have a stash of very sexy panties i wear most of the time. she doesent know about those.good luck with your issues.

yes, good luck with it. My wife has allowed me certain freedoms but then it was clear that she didn't like it. I had told her before we married and she was ok with it but then changed. I've pretty much given up on acceptance so i just wait until she is away then I dress up and go out. It's never going to stop so I just have to accept it and dress when she's not around.

But y yaar

She sounds pissed! If I were you I would hide them or you may find she got rid of them-depending how pissed she might be. Good luck!

Not really pissed. I think just upset with the idea. She continues to wash and put everything I wear away. She knows what I wear by the laundry, but just can't stand to see them on me. As long as she doesn't see, doesn't seem to be a problem. Hopefully, things will slowly work in my favor.

Be careful she doesn't get too pissed and then look for someone else.-It happens. I think some night you need a heart-to-heart over this.

Sounds so familiar. I haven't gotten to the bra stage yet but it is coming. I still get the evil eye when she sees me puting on my tights and panties, but in moments every thing is alright again. Living femly as happy as I can every moment I can.

I have the same issue except I won't purge. Have fun and don't give up.

As you I haven't given up and I don't quit. When I was much younger I did purge, but as you can see it didn't do any good. I don't plan on doing that again.

Good luck

yes good luck.

Thanks, going to need it.

good luck