I just wanted out from all this. Needed somewhere to vent. Was too scared to post it because I didn't want people to read and think I weak. Didn't wanna text me friends because everyone is probably fed up now.

But I wanted to talk about how I'm feeling right now and I don't want to feel pathetic for telling the world. That today I'm hurting so much and I honestly don't know how to escape this black lethargic mind of mine. Today of all days I ... I wanted it to all be a dream. I wake up and everything is fine again. But I don't remember when everything was fine, I don't know how that feels anymore.

Pillow wet from tears , each side soaked. What now? So I'm crying and feeling sorry for my stupid self. Nothing more now. So weak, such a fool to even share this thinking it'll help when all that will happen is people will pity and laugh.

Just wanting to be free now. Remembering those days were hard enough. I wish it was all a dream, I really do. Why hasn't anybody pinched me yet?

Who allowed this to happen? Dying for a relief , but there is nothing. Wanting to post something on my Instagram but scared of the 'oh there she goes again with her depression' reactions, scared to tell snapchat in case everyone thinks I'm aching for attention. Scared to call my friends because of the rejection I don't want to face, not wanting to put them through anymore.

1, 2, 3, SNAP! ....? Hello? Am I still here? Still the same?? God dayum! I was hoping for a magical disappearing act, I was hoping for the kind of magic that with a simple click would bring me just a small ounce of happiness - anything , bring back what I lost? For how I ache for that so much.

My head is sore from the tears and my eyes swollen. These eyes have mine are constantly tortured by these tears, it's not even fair. Sorry... Really am. My heart just feels.... Sorta heavy but then so empty? Like at first it's overflowing with all that pain and you cry and cry and then suddenly you hit that moment where your tears roll down your cheeks but you can't feel it anymore. And you lay there staring at the wall with your locked in position. Sorrow taking over.

And you think of that day it all happened , flashbacks in sequence to everything that went wrong. You remember the smiles and laughter and cry more of the thought that you once had something so beautiful and how you let it all go because you're dumb. And this is what you do remember? This Is what I do. Manages to ruin everything. Yep.

You don't care anymore. But you want that back. You wish it could be different. You remind yourself and get angry , 'why did he leave?' ... 'Why did I say that?' Maybe it was meant to happen? But it doesn't matter because you didn't need that right now. You wanted something and you destroyed it. But importantly you destroyed yourself.

And you hurt why nobody had even cared about you , why and how he could turn his back on you like that, and oh you have to thank god that you're alive though , because God forbid anything worse happened. You were being selfish now. You spent years and years caring just for it all to be sent to the grave. You didn't care how but you wanted him back. And you wanted so many other things, confidence, self-esteem, worth, happiness .... But it wasn't that easy.

And now for the rest of your life you have to live with how things could have been so different. But they weren't.

And so you cried again.

- A.N
TheWestlifer TheWestlifer
22-25, F
5 Responses Mar 26, 2016

you seem like a really good writer. I was wondering if you wanted to give me an honest opinion of a story I'm writing. pm me and I'll share it with you.

Okay? Sure

My dear friend, you have a beautiful soul and don't regret for one minute how you feel or for writing it out.
When you go your whole life and you FINALLY find someone you can love, and everything turns great, it's so hard when you wake up to realize they're just like everyone else, and that they can leave you just as easily. It seems so impossible that you could find someone again, and how could you trust them if you did? And there's nothing worse than feeling that not only aren't you loved, but you're not sure you can be loved.
The memories will never go away, so it seems like we'll never get over them... but the memories don't have to keep us there, stuck in the past. Every time I imagine the face that used to look back at me, my soul gets stepped on when I realize it will never be that way again. It's sad even repeating those words. But maybe, since we can't help it, it's okay? Maybe it's okay to have a sad day now and then when we can't silence the reminiscent voice in our head? Maybe we don't have to expect ourselves to be so strong?
I don't want to get back what I lost anymore. But I had to forgive her... I had to understand how she could have been the same person in the breakup as she was when I was loving her. Because she seemed like a monster in my head. She was almost 2 different people in my mind, the nice, kind girl I fell in love with, and the heartless ***** who left me without a thought. Then, whenever I'd remember the things that used to be, I still had love for the girl I met at the beginning, but this conflicted with my hatred of how she left me at the end. I had to understand her in the transition point to see that there wasn't one. She was always that way... and if she could leave me, then she isn't the one I want to be with. Never. She couldn't come back now because I'll know she just did because I'm the "best" she could find, but not actually because I'm who she would choose herself. She was priceless to me, and I expect to be priceless to whomever builds a future with me. If you're not sure I'm the one you want, then I'm not, because I'm far too different from everyone else for that to even be a question. And same for you. You're clearly you, and there's no other description. He didn't see you for all that you are, but he did see you for some of it... and maybe, just maybe, we can't hate our lovers for that? They're proof that someone can love us more. As long as we don't let our first love ruin us from loving again... there's someone who'll turn your tear drops into sunbeams, and THAT is the guy you deserve... not the one who's content in being a bad memory.

You're going to be great again, but understand that you're also great right now, just the way you are. Writing from your place of vulnerability, your words can really mean a lot to other hurting souls, and that's something you can be proud of. At least I am. Thanks for sharing your heart, the glimpse was beautiful.

Thank you so much Taylor . I really needed this <3, it's just so hard sometimes. Idek... But yes we will find better , and right now we can focus on ourselves.

Beautifully, painfully written! Sometimes the most touching and heartfelt connections are made through vulnerability. I too connect here when at my lowest. The opportunity for true, open communication here surpasses any other medium for me but it also opens me up to be more truthful in my connections in rl. Don't assume that you real relationships judge you, kindness and compassion doesn't just live here, we are all real people in others lives. Maybe choose carefully and let yourself be truly honest in a rl relationship you have. In the meantime we are here. 😘😘

and it all changed. Everything seems so different now, the feeling in my chest; the pain, the agony, is now becoming a part of me. It filled my life. I do not live with it anymore, it now has became a part of me, it dwells deep inside in the place no one can reach; not anymore.

Dwells?

Straight up whats brought all this on? Is it a long love lost? General depression? Disillusionment at the world?

All of that. Tbh... Every single thing.

From some of your prior posts I think youre laying on a bed of nails. Most ppl jump up and go owww after a bit but it seems maybe you are numbing to it and even getting comfy in your pain.

If it's anything you can control with will (ie, a lost love vs biological imbalance) then you owe it to your future self to force your way out of it. Dont get too comfortable because it becomes that much harder.

I know whats thats like trust me. I was there once with a girl and wouldnt see anyone else even15 years after she was gone! It was heartbreaking but eventually i realized who was ultimately in control.

Thank you - I really needed that. It means a lot.

And yes .... It's been so long and I've done nothing to stop it. I guess having to stop it means I have to face up to it and I'm not sure how ready I am for that rn , I've been ignoring and making out like I'm totally okay.

You don't necessarily have to leap. Take it in steps. For example, tell yourself now that "On Thursday I am going to confess to myself that Ive been my biggest obstacle". Three days later your goal will be to look around and realize theres no one more important than you that's going to get you out of this. A few days after that, you're going to put yourself in a frame of mind to look forward and think "new" ...... etc, I think you get it.

These are just examples - you set your own reasonable goals and achieve them and your see the progress. You'll also find that the days between goals give you some opportunity to reflect and think ahead more clearly. In time it will help.

You're young and beautiful and have so much going, I envy your opportunities at my age.

When things are down and you're in need you can reach out to those close to you, and if it helps, drop a post in EP once in a while. I believe it's generally a good crowd here and most are willing to help however they can.

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