Stuck In My Own Head

When you grow up alone and nobody cares about what you have to say, you tend to become stuck inside of your own head. It is your safe place. Truthfully for anyone it is the only place you can have your thoughts without judgement. I've always had quite an imagination, I suppose I can thank my family for that anyway. I don't remember when I started writing but I believe it was around sixth grade right after my mom had kicked me out the first time. I carried a notebook with me and I never let it out of my sight, lol I even took it with me to the bathroom. I forgot it once and the people I was living with read it and became so angry they threw it into the garbage. I cried for hours because everything that I felt and thought had been put into that journal. Later that night when they left me there to baby sit their kids I dug it out of the garbage. I felt so terrible because I had to rip open the garbage bag to get to it and to spare myself another beating I blamed it on the dog which started to get it instead. I can never forget those yelps and cries, caused not just by the man doing it but me the liar. I finally told them the truth and took double the beating for lying. I was okay with it because I didn't want to see or hear the dog being kicked and punched, I could take it. They ended up throwing my notebook into their burning pile of leaves. At that point I didn't even care anymore, I stayed hidden out back huddled with the dog by it's dog house trying to think of a way to get my mom to want me again. After that I bought a new notebook and kept it at school in my locker. I wrote down everything about my mother, my "adoptive family", and myself. It was my escape, the only way to release the pressure that kept building inside of my heart and mind. I write, I am no good at it, but it helps me...

college101 college101
31-35, F
24 Responses Feb 11, 2010

Aww thank you princess

Who cares about being gramatically or politically correct when you are putting down your feelings at the moments on papers. You are a great writer because I totally can feel what you felt and have sympathy for your situation. When I was growing up, I was alone too...I had no real friends until I am 19 or so. I was always an odd person out and I didn't care of anything thought or treated me because I accepted it. I didn't get abuse like you suffered. I am truely sorry for what you've gone through. Just because your mom can have you that didn't mean that she was or could be a good mom. Apparently she wasn't and your foster parents were just in it for the money because they mistreated you too. Your writing was and is your escape from loniness, abuse, and isolation from the loving world. It's a therapy for you and it helped you survive through it all. Just know that you are adults now and you have control over who's hurting you and who's not. The past is hurtful and forgetful but you have to forgive and move on because your future can be so bright and loving. It takes so much energy, emotion, time, and heartache to live in the past...when you live in the past and relive those feelings you can't move on to the future. Keep writing, write new things, good things in your life who or what make you smile, happy, and excited. Write about new experience, new adventures, and new hope for life. By doing that you give yourself a new leaf on life and you'll see new windows of hope, happiness, and beginning. You are a survivor...that means that you're much stronger emotionally and physically then you give yourself credit for. You're not alone anymore, you're loved, and you're somebody special!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <br />
My best always..................

Thanks ersatz ...

Okay amy *love you too girl* ;)

never stop writing ,ok college? *love u*

hmm.. you would deffinately be able to write an interesting novel i bet

I know I dream of it every night lol... dang EP is messing with me grrr

It is sexy, haha.

LOL I didn't say anything about being biased woman... That means you are partially biased haha! Cuz you like my hawt alien avitar!

You see, I am not being biased, it is true.

Thank you Brimi

That is correct Mia :)

I know what you mean, full of constraits and forced thoughts, better with free writing,

you can't ruin a good writing, you can only perfect it ;)

Thank you Mia... I tend to only write things that I can feel well... College papers *eek*

lmao well geez when I write, I go somewhere even deeper into my mind. Like I am right back in the exact moment and to try adding in punctuation and worry about the other crap ruins it... not that there is much to ruin but still...

I figured, you really are a good writer, I am not joking.

you're just too lazy to get them right. ever the defiant brat :p

I don't really know yet Mia, I am thinking of something in English maybe, if I can clean up my punctuation and grammar...

What's your major C.

i should change my nick. it's a mouthful.

Thanks pjwtvgsd...

You are good at it. Don't ever stop *hugs*

Just so you know this wasn't a story... it was real and it was what got me into writing.