My Gay Life Story

I knew I was gay early in life. In grammar school I liked to play dolls with the girls, and I hated team sports. I was a teenager in the 1960s in South Carolina so there was no one to talk with about being gay, and I felt totally alone. I had this big shaming secret I could not tell anybody. 

I dated a girl in high school but I was more attracted to her brother than her. While I was kissing her, I wished I could be kissing her brother. I had one gay encounter in high school but after it happened, the guy wouldn't talk to me again. 

In college at Clemson University I started drinking to mask the pain of loneliness I felt. After graduation I got married to a wonderful woman thinking that would cure me. It didn't work, and it deeply hurt my wife and children. After years of cheating on my wife with other men, we finally divorced. Somehow, in spite of it all, she and I are still great friends. She's the only reason I wish I was straight.

I have to hide my personal life from my family. I'm not able to share anything about being gay (which is a huge part of who I am) with my children, mother, brothers, aunts, uncles or cousins. My family is religious and very homophobic. My father and uncle while they were alive used to tell homophobic jokes and call me a sissy. My brother told me I was an abomination to God and was going to hell for choosing to be gay--like I really had a choice in the matter. Both my children are anti-gay conservative Christians. My son is even going to Exodus (the ex-gay ministry) and is dating a lady who used to be a lesbian. Exodus must have cured her. My 87 year old mother is a bigoted right-wing Republican who spends all day watching Fox news and still believes African-Americans are second class citizens. I'm not looking forward to facing my family in South Carolina at my mother's funeral. As much as I will regret it, I probably won't attend.

In spite of all that, I have a great career (I'm out on the job), and I'm in a wonderful, monogamous relationship with a very loving, caring man. It is nice now to be in a world where I don't have to be alone. I enjoy having a support system and other people I can talk with about being gay. My doctor is even gay. I just wish I could legally marry the man I love.
Chas46 Chas46
61-65, M
5 Responses Aug 13, 2010

I'M VERY HUMBLE MAN I LIKE QUIET AND ALONE STAY,I CONFESS I'M GAY MAN BUT IN MY COUNTRY IT'S FORBIDDEN TO SAY THAT BUT GOD WANT TO GET A FRIEND I TRIED MANY TIMES TO INTRODUCED HIM BECAUSE I FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM AND FINALLY I GOT THAT AND BY MIRACLE HE FALL IN MY LOVE AND ONE DAY HE CONFESS THAT HE WANT TO DO SEX WITH ME I DIDN'T HESITATE AND I GIVE HIM MY BODY AND MY SOUL HE WAS MY DREAM MAN WE HAVE HAD RELATION SHIP TOGETHER HE IS A VERY HAND SOME MAN AND VERY STRONG,MUSCLE,HAIRY,SEXY AND VERY STRONG ARMS ESPECIALLY WHEN HE EMBRACED ME AND WHILE HE KISSING ME I WAS THINKING THAT HE IS GOING TO EAT ME.AND ABOUT SEX I HE IS THE MOST HARD AND BEAST IN SEX I EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.WE WERE LIVE IN HONEY MOON FOR 5 YEAR UNTIL HE DECIDED TO GET MARRIED SUDDENLY IT WAS A VERY CHOKE FOR ME I TRIED TO SUICIDE BUT I COULDN'T NOW HE HAS GOT 3 CHILDREN I STILL TALK WITH HIM BUT I CAN'T DO WHAT I WAS DID BEFORE ,I'M SO DESPERATE BUT MY SOLACE IS THAT I STILL CAN SEE HIM ,I CRIED 100 TIMES A DAY BUT I THINK THIS IS MY DESTINY.TO LIVE IN ARAB WORLD,I'M SO LONELY I SEEK FOR ANY TRUE LOVE IN MY LIFE BUT IN MY COUNTRY IT'S SIN TO SAY I'M GAY AND IN SAME TIME I CAN'T LEAVE MY COUNTRY,I'LL COMPLETE MY REST LIFE AS MY GOD WANT BUT WITH SADNESS AND LONELINESS TILL I DIE.
THIS IS MY STORY I WRITE THIS WORDS AND I CRYING.MAY GOD BLESSED ME.

You are stronger than your story might imply. I'm pleased that you have survived the pain and suffering by a society of hypocrites -- who claim to be "good" Christians. Good luck.

I hear you, it's so stupid that our government is allowed to make up and enforce unconstitutional laws such as marriage regulation or other forms of prejudicial segregation.<br />
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But I like to play with dolls and I hate sports. Does that make me gay? xD

Thanks for the encouraging feedback. It's nice not to be alone anymore.

Great story. So sorry you've had a rough past but the place you're in now must surely make up for it all :) I have gay parents, and they always say they wish they could get married too. Some day it will happen, I am certain.