I Took Granny Down!
This week at work I was the talk of the hospital and somewhat of a hero for taking down a little old lady. Yes, in my bizarro world overpowering the aged evidently elevates one to celebrity status.
It all began with unhallowed screams down a long hall. "STOP THEM! THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL ME; THEY ARE KILLING ME". My first thought was OH MY, who's shaking down this poor sweet elderly woman. Has the building been invaded by local gang bangers with a wrinkle fetish? No. The poor woman was standing alone in front of the nurse’s station, shrieking in high pitched tones for no apparent reason.
Next thing I knew, she had taken hold of a lovely, but large and thick glass recognition award we’d received for our stellar service and performance. Granny, with her mini-specks was all on her own, pondering how she was going to shank her attackers with this newly formed weapon of mass destruction. The staff was as taken aback as I was wondering… WTF? Alarmed with the consternation of captive prisoners, my fellow nurturers were aghast at what to do next, wanting to disarm her, but too afraid she’d lob the big award across their heads. Well, being a Braveheart and knowing no fear, I couldn’t help but think, ‘I have to do something’ or she’s going to kill someone and it’s not the gang bangers of my imagination.
Not one to do the Run Forest Run thing, I quickly moved toward the attacking granny, trying hard to disarm her from the creative, makeshift weapon. She quickly ran away from me right into the middle of the nurse’s station. The rubbernecking staff wasn’t about to get involved. Grandma was moving quickly as she lobbed the award down on the fire alarm against the wall, shattering it into a glistening myriad of pieces on the floor. She was just in the process of pulling the alarm lever down when I finally reached her. The lever was partially pulled out from the wall. I was thinking OMG, not the alarm; anything but the fire alarm!
Thank Goodness, I was able to cripple Mrs. NoDoubtFire before the fire station was notified of our impending doom. The poor combative and demented woman was pissed! She quickly withdrew from me and was heading for her next victim when I grasped her hands in mine. She pulled back and I pulled up. Fighting in a furry of wills, she pulled hard, falling to the floor while I tried to save her.
Fortunately, after I heard the floor reverberate with the sound of crashing skull, she only sustained a minor goose egg on the back of her head. Once the incident was over, she was very upset and started to cry. I couldn’t do anything but comfort her sadness and surprise.
Finally, the nursing staff appeared and began their interventions. Get a pillow. Take her vital signs (when in doubt, take the vital signs). Call the doctor. Call the administrator. Call the lawyer. Geeze, I thought, ‘what about me’? I’m the one who risked life and limb here. Granny was the one on the offense and is getting all the attention. Where’s my cavalry, my night in shining armor? There’s no glory in heroism, believe me.
Of course I’m just being facetious, but the incident really did happen. Everyone except the lawyer and sadly the HOT firemen were called to the scene. It took about an hour and a half for everyone to tell their story, call the family and document the appropriate incident reports. Needless to say, I was the talk of the town around our facility and somewhat of a local hero. Everyone was commenting about the bravery it took to take charge of the situation and I couldn’t help but be proud of my ability to kick some granny *** that day. Life continues to be filled with new and exciting surprises.