Letter To N.M.C

Dear Nick,
There are some thoughts running circles in my head and I wanted to talk to you about them. That’s what was wrong the other day. I wanted to tell you but I couldn’t get the words to come out. I don’t want to let me guard down right in front of you and be more than vulnerable just so you can shoot me down. I’m scared you don’t feel the same.

But if you still want to know what’s wrong, I'll tell you. I'll explain the blank face I had. I'll tell you why it seemed like I didn’t want to be around you and right next to you at the same time. I'll be honest with you this time if you ask me…"Are you okay?"

Nick, I like you. Actually like you. I didn’t mean to and didn’t want to but I do. I almost expected it but thought I could suppress any notions and be fine. Somehow I went from being absolutely annoyed when you’re around to maybe missing you when you’re not. Your voice used to alert me to put on my headphones and stop listening to the conversation but I’d rather hear your voice than someone else’s. I didn't ever want to be anywhere near you, and now it makes me happy to be close to you.

Getting to know you has been like reading a chapter book. The first general conversation we all had was like the back cover. You said who you were and maybe a couple little things but you barely scratched the surface. Then, after a bit you started telling things you do and don’t like, where you’re from, little things. In other words, the prologue. And then you can open the book to page 1 of the first chapter and start reading. The book doesn't tell you everything right away, just what you need to know. More details come through more chapters but you have to read slowly to avoid getting a paper cut. Sometimes you have to re-read things. But most importantly, you have to be patient and learn as you turn each page.

Nick, I want to know you. I want to hear about what you like and what you don't. Tell me about your best friend and your worst enemy. Your favorite high school memory and most embarrassing moment. Let me hear your biggest goal and worst fear. Tell me how you’re feeling at any given moment. I just want to know more about you.

Like Her… She just seems to be so close to you. She acts like you two fell in love with the strongest connections in those first weeks of school. I know there are things you have in common. But I'm irritated. You won't talk about her to anyone, let alone me, so I feel like I’m at a disadvantage when I’m even just talking to you. She acts like I will never know you the way she does. And I guess that’s kind of true, I will never know what it’s like to get high with you and "be one with myself". I just hope that doesn’t interfere. Because we literally have nothing in common while you and Hope just seem to connect so well. It makes me feel like you will talk to her again and walk away.

And with a fear of losing you, I can’t help but let my mind pull in Maureen and how close she really is to us...you. You say things like "Well if this happened, we would get back together." And "If I would date anyone, it would be her." That makes me nervous. Your relationship with you ex will never be something comparable to you and any other girl. I understand that. But it's in the back of my head that you still compare me to her because you miss her so much. Is it enough to go back? Or can you learn and care for someone new? Because Nick, when you talk about her, your words come out bathed in love. Every one of them.

I get it if this is coming on really strong. I can only imagine that it is. But in the end my reason for bringing this up to you is because I’m jealous. I’m a jealous girl. Some people tell me I wear it and others say they have no idea. But either way you’re aware. And I’m sorry if you don’t like it, I can’t justify it. I just am a jealous person. I try for the sake of everyone to keep it in but sooner or later it comes out. I let little by little show over time. I didn’t want to do that without reason for you. When it comes down to it, I like to fight for what I want and I don’t like to let go. I’m sure there are things you feel that way about.

I don’t really have a good way to end this now. No summary or last sentence, no inspirational quote or anything. I’ve said all I wanted and that’s what this letter was for. So, I will try to work with you if you work with me. Deal?

CarlyOnline CarlyOnline
18-21, F
Dec 11, 2012