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Xanax Is My Serenity

I was never one to take medicine. If I had a headache, I would just deal with it. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 16 years old and never did I follow the doctors recommendations for my medicine. Then my father died. My best friend in the whole world passed away from cancer in 2004. I called my doctor when my father died and asked for help to get through this difficult time. I didn't go to his office, I called and he called the pharmacy. I didn't even know what he was putting me on. I just knew he was going to "take care of it". And he did. I guess. I mean, I took this little pill and it dried up my tears, helped me go through the daily "living rituals", and even got me through his funeral. I even SPOKE at the funeral. Please, don't ask me what I said...because I don't remember. This little pill had so much power. I mean, I was able to take care of my mom now who had her own health issues. I was able to work. I was able to get through those dreaded special occassions. And that was the reason I took the pill....to live. Thought I had it under control. I knew when I needed to take it. I knew how much to take. The doctor said "take 1 every 6 hours"...well, if I needed more or if I needed it sooner, I took it. I know me better than anyone else does. I didn't have a problem. My mother was diagnosed with cancer in November of 2007. My pills were needed more. I couldn't deal with the thought of losing my mom too. I'm an only child and I don't care if you are 5 or 35, you still need your parents. That's a different subject tho. I started really relying on my pills more and more to the point where I was blacking out, I was cutting myself...I was just a mess. She died in January of 2008 and xanax was needed more than ever. I never thought I would become addicted to a pill.....but without it, I can't survive. I can't live. I have been in rehab twice..detox was pure hell....have been off them 3 months....but to this day xanax is my serenity and I am at the point where I'm going to relapse.

xanax18249 xanax18249 31-35, F 6 Responses Feb 5, 2009

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I would like to ask a general question to anyone who will answer...<br />
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First, a bit about me...I was diagnosed with 'chronic panic disorder' back in 1996 - shortly after I was married. The only way I can articulate the feeling is that of an outer-body experience where all that is good or promising in your life feels horrible and in demise. If you put a gun to my head and made me tell you what death felt like, I'd say a good panic attack. Back when I was much younger, I dabbled with cocaine. Dabbled meaning that it never got that 'hold' on me. I stopped altogether one day because I couldn't handle coming down from it - it was what I considered 'hell'. Well, I can only remotely compare a panic attack to a bad cocaine 'come-down'. That said, I was never one to consume large amounts of the drug or go for more, I'd just suffer through the 'come-downs'. Eventually, I decided it wasn't worth it. That was over 21 years ago.<br />
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Back when I went I was first diagnosed, the drug companies were coming out with all their goodies; Zoloft, Paxil, etc... I was prescribed Zoloft & Xanax to treat my panic attacks. 3 months later, I realized - as did those around me - a lethargic change in my otherwise 'Type 1-A' personally. I personally felt that the Zoloft had a hold on me and effectively altered my personality (my opinion). So, I decided to take a month or so and wean off of the Zoloft and see. My symptoms improved. My sleep increased and improved and I felt - as did those around me - that the old, authentic 'me' was coming back. I was advised that in order to head off a panic attack, take a xanax whenever I felt anxiety. I did and it did stave off the panic. Now, I know xanax takes about 25 minutes or so to enter your bloodstream after ingesting it. I also know that it leaves your body about 45 minutes or more after that - when you urinate. Since I still felt fine after the xanax left my system and I continued to manage my panic disorder in this manner. This method has proved true. Since I do not abuse it (sometimes, I do go off my sc<x>ript, but not by much).<br />
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Xanax is not my 'serenity', it has effectively treated my panic disorder. I have tried weaning if I find I am too far off my sc<x>ript and have been successful. It's always tough weaning, but it must be done. Naturally, and like anything else, my dose has increased over the years, but I always aim to stay on sc<x>ript. <br />
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I hear other folks suggest I should wean myself completely off xanax and go on some anti-depressant for the rest of my life. I'm only 40! I'm not depressed! I just worry too much and have a problem dealing with fear. The xanax helps me to 'get a hold of myself' before the panic sets in. Like I said, so far, so good. I don't like when I am going through traumatic times and go over my sc<x>ript, but if this is the way I am going to manage it, I guess that will happen. There have been many months when I am under my sc<x>ript and have several left over from the month. I keep those 'just in case', not for 'recreation'. I would wager that someday - hopefully sooner than later, I'll be able to wean off of xanax completely. I do not know when that will be - but it is a goal of mine.<br />
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My question is: Is there anything wrong with this?

i understand you, xanax rocks!

i loved the title,<br />
it is my serenity too...

Hi! I really feel for you. You must be going through such a hard time. I am an only child myself, and canæt even imagine loosing my parents. Like you I am also bipolar. Itæs a pain in the *** to tell you the truth! I am a physician and try not to prescribe too many drugs that you can get to addicted to, but at times it is the right thing to do. I am on Xanax mysef, and so far itæs the only drug that has taken away my anxiety. I warn you not to stop c old turkey thougyh. I did, and I ended up passing out, and according to the people watching me I had a seizure. I do think you should get screened for depression. As you know itæs a prominant future of bipolar disease. and you should possibly be on an antidepressant indeffinately. I wish you all the best!<br />
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Chris

Alprazolam or Xanax helped me manage my anxiety, it relaxes me like no other man can. Plus it gives me no bad side effects. Two thumbs up for this one! I got it at www.medsheaven.com

it sounds like you are treating your depression by numbing it. there is a point where you are going to have to find another way. this has it's limits. start looking into other solutions right now so you can finally get a handle on this.<br />
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my heart goes out to you regarding your parents. i can't even imagine what your situation must be like.