Xanax Is My Serenity

I was never one to take medicine. If I had a headache, I would just deal with it. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 16 years old and never did I follow the doctors recommendations for my medicine. Then my father died. My best friend in the whole world passed away from cancer in 2004. I called my doctor when my father died and asked for help to get through this difficult time. I didn't go to his office, I called and he called the pharmacy. I didn't even know what he was putting me on. I just knew he was going to "take care of it". And he did. I guess. I mean, I took this little pill and it dried up my tears, helped me go through the daily "living rituals", and even got me through his funeral. I even SPOKE at the funeral. Please, don't ask me what I said...because I don't remember. This little pill had so much power. I mean, I was able to take care of my mom now who had her own health issues. I was able to work. I was able to get through those dreaded special occassions. And that was the reason I took the pill....to live. Thought I had it under control. I knew when I needed to take it. I knew how much to take. The doctor said "take 1 every 6 hours"...well, if I needed more or if I needed it sooner, I took it. I know me better than anyone else does. I didn't have a problem. My mother was diagnosed with cancer in November of 2007. My pills were needed more. I couldn't deal with the thought of losing my mom too. I'm an only child and I don't care if you are 5 or 35, you still need your parents. That's a different subject tho. I started really relying on my pills more and more to the point where I was blacking out, I was cutting myself...I was just a mess. She died in January of 2008 and xanax was needed more than ever. I never thought I would become addicted to a pill.....but without it, I can't survive. I can't live. I have been in rehab twice..detox was pure hell....have been off them 3 months....but to this day xanax is my serenity and I am at the point where I'm going to relapse.

xanax18249 xanax18249
31-35, F
6 Responses Feb 5, 2009

I would like to ask a general question to anyone who will answer...<br />
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First, a bit about me...I was diagnosed with 'chronic panic disorder' back in 1996 - shortly after I was married. The only way I can articulate the feeling is that of an outer-body experience where all that is good or promising in your life feels horrible and in demise. If you put a gun to my head and made me tell you what death felt like, I'd say a good panic attack. Back when I was much younger, I dabbled with cocaine. Dabbled meaning that it never got that 'hold' on me. I stopped altogether one day because I couldn't handle coming down from it - it was what I considered 'hell'. Well, I can only remotely compare a panic attack to a bad cocaine 'come-down'. That said, I was never one to consume large amounts of the drug or go for more, I'd just suffer through the 'come-downs'. Eventually, I decided it wasn't worth it. That was over 21 years ago.<br />
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Back when I went I was first diagnosed, the drug companies were coming out with all their goodies; Zoloft, Paxil, etc... I was prescribed Zoloft & Xanax to treat my panic attacks. 3 months later, I realized - as did those around me - a lethargic change in my otherwise 'Type 1-A' personally. I personally felt that the Zoloft had a hold on me and effectively altered my personality (my opinion). So, I decided to take a month or so and wean off of the Zoloft and see. My symptoms improved. My sleep increased and improved and I felt - as did those around me - that the old, authentic 'me' was coming back. I was advised that in order to head off a panic attack, take a xanax whenever I felt anxiety. I did and it did stave off the panic. Now, I know xanax takes about 25 minutes or so to enter your bloodstream after ingesting it. I also know that it leaves your body about 45 minutes or more after that - when you urinate. Since I still felt fine after the xanax left my system and I continued to manage my panic disorder in this manner. This method has proved true. Since I do not abuse it (sometimes, I do go off my sc<x>ript, but not by much).<br />
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Xanax is not my 'serenity', it has effectively treated my panic disorder. I have tried weaning if I find I am too far off my sc<x>ript and have been successful. It's always tough weaning, but it must be done. Naturally, and like anything else, my dose has increased over the years, but I always aim to stay on sc<x>ript. <br />
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I hear other folks suggest I should wean myself completely off xanax and go on some anti-depressant for the rest of my life. I'm only 40! I'm not depressed! I just worry too much and have a problem dealing with fear. The xanax helps me to 'get a hold of myself' before the panic sets in. Like I said, so far, so good. I don't like when I am going through traumatic times and go over my sc<x>ript, but if this is the way I am going to manage it, I guess that will happen. There have been many months when I am under my sc<x>ript and have several left over from the month. I keep those 'just in case', not for 'recreation'. I would wager that someday - hopefully sooner than later, I'll be able to wean off of xanax completely. I do not know when that will be - but it is a goal of mine.<br />
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My question is: Is there anything wrong with this?

i understand you, xanax rocks!

i loved the title,<br />
it is my serenity too...

Hi! I really feel for you. You must be going through such a hard time. I am an only child myself, and canæt even imagine loosing my parents. Like you I am also bipolar. Itæs a pain in the *** to tell you the truth! I am a physician and try not to prescribe too many drugs that you can get to addicted to, but at times it is the right thing to do. I am on Xanax mysef, and so far itæs the only drug that has taken away my anxiety. I warn you not to stop c old turkey thougyh. I did, and I ended up passing out, and according to the people watching me I had a seizure. I do think you should get screened for depression. As you know itæs a prominant future of bipolar disease. and you should possibly be on an antidepressant indeffinately. I wish you all the best!<br />
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Alprazolam or Xanax helped me manage my anxiety, it relaxes me like no other man can. Plus it gives me no bad side effects. Two thumbs up for this one! I got it at www.medsheaven.com

it sounds like you are treating your depression by numbing it. there is a point where you are going to have to find another way. this has it's limits. start looking into other solutions right now so you can finally get a handle on this.<br />
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my heart goes out to you regarding your parents. i can't even imagine what your situation must be like.