Not His Fault??

I met my husband when we were kids, he was my brothers best mate.. we met up again via facebook started spending time together and eventually fell in love and a year later we got married.. he is fab with my kids and will help around the house etc.. works full time. Before we got married he got nasty on drink once or twice and basically follweed me round the house punching things.. accusing me of things that made no sense or had been twisted very badly. I told him i wouldnt have it and he stopped drinking. We got married in May (this yr) and in Aug he found out his Dad had sexually abused his sisters.. when he talked about it he remembered it all coming out and his mother gave him and his sisters the choice if their Dad should stay or go... They were 14, 12 and 9.. naturally they all chose for him to stay and it has been covered up sinse. Now he has a suicidal sister as nobody (apart from my husband) will acknowledge what happened to her or her feelings.. her mum told her "stop whining ur lucky u werent raped".. even her sister who was also abused (possibly raped) adamently denies any abuse took place!! So here is my husband, angry with his dad and his mum (but still goes round there) angry with himself and he is literally a ticking time bomb... whatever we argue about is always twisted round to me, even if I make a valid point about his behaviour he will use things in the past and no accept responsibility at all...then he stays angry for days and days (stays out.. claiming he doesnt want to come bk to an argument and i will kick off.. phone off and gets his siter to lie to me saying he isnt there.. when i found out they had both lied to me about him staying there, it was like I was in the wrong for phoning.. I had no right to feel hurt and betrayed... he makes me out to be this horrid person to everyone else.. when i ask him he just says "i dont know what you tell people about me do i?" when i say I cant take it anymore he just says "I want to be a dirty little slag like my mates" (I'm 35 with 3 kids... but as my mate recently left her husband she is a slag)... he keeps stopping money,, saying his kids will have an ace xmas.... I sold my car because there was in his words "summit seriously wrong with it and he would sell his bike to get me a car" (he knows i cant walk far as I have M.E) that was Aug... he has barely made any effort at all to sell his bike... he has got us in rent arrears by paying money into my account one week and not the next...
The way he can twist things is shocking.. i can see why people think its all my fault... he NEVER apologises.. or accepts blame and this week we have only gone four days without a huge argument... now i wont let him in the house "I am depriving him of his home" even though last week he left thurs and came back sunday and THAT was my fault... we argued last night, (i said calmly that I felt as though everyone was judging and blaming me for all our arguments) after he had told me that he didnt know what i was telling people about him and chucked an ashtray, he slept on sofa, was nice as pie this morning until i asked him if he felt that he should apologise... "maybe was his response.. but i think u owe me one as well" ... I flipped and chucked a vase of flowers at him... not the best idea but I am fed up of taking the blame for all that is wrong in this relationship.. I asked him sunday (last) to go to docs.. "he forgot to ring them" but he thinks I should go for my issues as well.... so is this a bloke going through a hard time or is this abuse?? because I really dont know....
thisgalaintnodoormat thisgalaintnodoormat
31-35, F
2 Responses Dec 14, 2012

Thank you.. I have told him so many times he must get help.. and to be fair he went to councilling in sept and then was blackmailed out of it by his parents because of the potenial consequences for them.. but something inside me has clicked today and I have reached the point whereby no more excuses are acceptable.. he has no key and cannot get in.. I havnt eve cried I am that immune to it now.. same old story though .. I do love him.. when hes being lovely.. he's amazing (how niaeve is that statement) :(

He's a control freak. Sorry but it is true.
He is using financial, emotional and even threatening behaviour to blackmail you because he knows he can and it 'empowers' him.
If you remain in that relationship you ARE going down the pan with him. He would rather the family was suffering because well, then you can't leave him right? You need him then and he can set all the rules forever.
You will only sort this by A) walking out or B) giving him the ultimatum that you will walk out if he doesn't go get some medical help WITH you by X date.
Why with you?... because he won't really go otherwise as it weakens his control.