My First Run In With A Narcissist

We all look for that soul mate in life, a person we connect with intellectually, physically and spiritually. It's a basic human desire, something that enriches our journey. So when we think we have found it, the feelings of euphoria are all consuming. A heady rush of excitement, anticipation and relief. It's like finding a 4 leaf clover, something so rare and precious that a few pinches are required to help you believe it's actually happened.

I experienced all these feelings in March of this year. I am not easily flappable, my head has always won out over my heart but I met the most amazing man, a man who cultured in me a true and unwavering emotion that knocked me sideways. He disarmed and broke down my usually stout barriers effortlessly, a true miracle.
It may sound over the top but I always find deeply emotive things, good or bad, are best written down. 

This person not only inspired me, he awoke the most intoxicating, incredible feelings that had me sailing high on a wave of happiness. We talked a lot, text and saw each other when we could. I believe I fell in love for the first time in my life. I cannot deny, even now, that I was willingly washed along on a tide of euphoria. He was exciting, adventurous, quirky, different, well travelled, intelligent, gregarious, attentive; all those things I had been looking for. At 33 years of age, it had finally happened for me.

So what changed? I wish I could say that, 6 months down the line, I am still certain I found my soul mate but the tide turned somewhat; now I am battling against it a lot of the time. Up until meeting Paul (fictional name) I doubted true love even existed. So I lie here tonight, a tumultuous and rapidly flowing river of ill ease thrashing me around. Let me elaborate on what has transpired...

My partner has not lived a conventional existence, having excelled in sport on a world class level and having the kind of drive any Olympian would be proud of. I accepted early on that these kinds of people are wired slightly differently to the rest of us. I like to think I am pretty adventurous myself, having experienced a fair bit over the years in sport and other hobbies but he is on a whole different plain of drive and determination.  When we first started chatting he seemed thrilled he had found a girl who could share his activities with him. Back then the warning signs were there and maybe I should have paid more attention but rose tinted glasses are hard to remove.
As the months have passed, we exited that initial flush of chemicals that induce the heady rush (as most couples do) and began to get to know one another. Learning about another person invariably highlights not so endearing traits and foibles. Fine, I accept that and no one is perfect. The first thing I noticed about him was his intolerance of people who don't do things and are not pro active with life. On the face of it, that's fine and we all like those with get up and go but his view on it was slightly distorted. I picked up the sport he excels in and he has put a lot if time getting me up to speed, bearing in mind it is not something I have ever undertaken before. As with anything, there is a learning curve and mine has been particularly steep (almost vertical at times!) The sport is his domain and so living up to expectation and representing him all come into it. Little did I know that we have subconsciously allowed this to consume our relationship, everything seems to be about this 1 activity. I have to admit I am partly to blame in letting it take over, I am as obsessional as they come when it comes to sport. So what has happened is he has become my tutor and the line between that and boyfriend has become decidedly blurred. We are both to blame but what has ensued is him regularly scolding me for doing things wrong. Over several months, this has worn me down. I bite back but it does not seem to get me anywhere. I have fast discovered that I have got myself into a highly unconventional and possibly detrimental situation. I vocalise my desire to spend quality time together away from the sport but it falls on deaf ears. I have come to realise that we have set a rod for our own backs and I have begun to question him and his motives. 
There are other subtle signs that concern me, his lack of willingness to be romantic ( that does not and never has formed part of our union), his tendency to spend hours looking at his emails for work, often in my company which can make me feel uninteresting and sad. He has issues surrounding finances ( I am not materialistic in the slightest and struggle badly with the money I do have but he does not choose to acknowledge this when we are out and I pay my fair share, as you would expect.) He talks about marriage, kids and me being his life partner but I can't help but feel he says those things but remains emotionally detached. It's a weird one, mainly because I cannot read him and have never dealt with anyone like him before. When we have a disagreement, he has this uncanny
He does not listen a lot of the time and tends to use a certain tone in his voice with me which can often leave me feeling perturbed. I have spent most of the past 6 months confused, uncertain and insecure. Not good right? I put a lot of it down to environmental stresses but I am fearful he will not show theemotion and empathy I require at times.  I stumbled across the word narcissist. Having never encountered one before, that has opened up a world to me that he might fit into. I have hoped I am way off the mark on that one but have become increasingly convinced that he could well be. 

I do love him but sometimes it is not a decision to make, I thank my stars that I know I will make the right one, no matter how hard that is to do. I feel, right now, heart breakingly disappointed but I also know you should not have to change a person for something to be right. Maybe WE are not right. 

Anyone reading this who is in a potentially destructive relationship, don't ignore the signs, those niggling doubts that creep in regularly. Like the way your body tells you something is wrong by instigating the sensory receptors, don't treat your emotions any differently.
raingirl14 raingirl14
31-35, F
Sep 20, 2012