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Afraid Of Me, Afraid You, Afraid I May Be Dying

The truth is hard to swallow. I know you shouldn't love me. Run while you still can. I'm damaged goods that no one can stand. I've been beaten and restricted.
I know you think what I am saying is just my crazy *** perspective. What you don't seem to understand, is that I'm spiraling down fast, don't get caught, don't get twisted within my dread.
Like roaches on the skeletal remains of someone's last night's dinner...my hopes scatter when the lights come on, all my dreaming over.
The nightmares are becoming more than I can bear.
What could have been so bad you may ask in wonder...although, I know you really don't care.
My rattled thoughts askew, if you only knew, have inflicted so much grief...all beyond belief.
The monsters in my closet are laying in wait for me to slumber, for then they creep into my mind and hold me hostage 'til I wake.
I fear my own worries have gobbled me alive.
I'll try to never let my guard down, for that is when they strike. Barely keeping it together, unwinding at the seams. Just below the surface of my skin are all the screams.
I have survived another round of sleep. Part of me is grateful, I appear to be in tact. My mind is twirling fast and spinning as it does makes me question why. I have begged for mercy from the Lord, please release me from these thoughts. I fear the worst is not begun.
I cry as sadness rolls across my heart. I know you say you love me, but I know it can't be true. For who could love a shrew? You say that I am sweet, loving, and a joy. But I know that is false, for those kind are not punished as I have been. My torment continues, long after the bruises.
I can feel the blunt force to my head as I close my eyes and try to explain to myself that I am not dead.
I can feel the heat of his breath against my face as he tells me I'll live so I can hate.
He says I can hate him or I can hate me, either way I'll be consumed and never the same.
I try not to admit it, although he let me live, he took my soul with him. I haven't been the same. In fact, I've been destined to repeat it. The sorrow knows no end to the nightmares I have within.
Each time I think this time is different, I let myself fall in love and rather than soar above it all I start to fall. Tripping here and there, and falling to despair. In one breath you will say you love me. Next day you'll say I am your new addiction. Then it happens all too fast and soon there will be friction. You'll complain that I don't pay enough attention.
I love you now, and you will always hold a place within the chambers of my heart. I beg you to leave me now, before you hate me later. You say that will never be, but for me history repeats.
Over and over again it has been, and I fear it will continue. I know how this story ends...and how the next begins.
There's no debate, this is my curse, this is my fate.
Please...I've heard it all before, you say you would never hurt me, but I know you won't be able to avoid what seems to come so naturally to those who came before you.
Drawn to each other like a flying insect to light at night, we bask in the warm glow.
I have no answers to explain how a love so pure and delicious will spoil and rot. I only know that it will.
Run fast and run far, do not turn back to take one last look...keep running.
I know that I am dying inside, crushed by this loss, but it is better this way...
bgirl1116 bgirl1116 31-35, F 5 Responses Nov 12, 2012

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dont put your self down so much you are a good person there is some one for you dont give up i did for a time but she came into my life and made me happy it will be the same for you

I agree with manofeet u are a great girl and and have done a lot of great in peoples life more than u may know

Now you cant be that bad... Lets here about your good stuff.

just a tad...

morbid much