It Was the Best of Times It Was the Worst of Times...

It's not something I have ever been proud of, it caused me more grief than I could have imagined, but it was also the biggest rush I've ever experienced.  It lasted for 15 years, but we never let it get out of control so nobody besides us would get hurt.  We were the best of friends and we just loved being together even if it had nothing to do with sex.

Sadly, I was already unhappily married to my high school 'sweetheart' at the ridiculous age of 21 when I met him, and I had no idea he was even interested in me. 

I just knew he was a very fun, witty, intelligent person who was dating a good friend of mine that I worked with & he worked in the same building, so we saw each other quite a bit as a *********.  It wasn't long before we were having breaks & lunches together in the cafeteria even on days when my friend wasn't around.  I guess I was pretty naive back then, but I thought when he would join me at my table it was only by coincidence that he was there when I was there, but I loved it because he would just make me laugh the whole time and always brightened up my day.  He never made any advances or innuendos towards me, it was always just a good clean fun time surrounded by co-workers.  

It's funny because years later another male friend of mine told me that men are not interested in making just friends with a woman, there is always something else going on in the back of his mind.  This other male friend apparently had had a crush on me for years and I never knew it. 

But back to my love story/confession/nostalgic ramblings,

I never wanted to interfere with my friend's relationship with her boyfriend or cause her any heartaches, she was a really nice person and I liked her and she certainly didn't deserve it.    So I tried to keep my distance from him when I realized I was starting to get a little more attached to him emotionally & physically attracted.   

He eventually transferred out of our building and I was almost relieved because I didn't know how much longer I could keep my cool!  But by that time they had been seeing each other regularly and we started going out as couples.  My husband was a sloppy melancholy drunken alcoholic and would end up totally passed out by the end of every get together, so it would always end up being the 3 of us hanging out.  We would have a blast because Dave & I were like a well oiled comedy team, we could just go back & forth on the silliest of subjects, just cutting each other up constantly, and I absolutely LOVED it. 

I finally realized how much I enjoyed being with him...just him,  not him & her, she had started to get in our way too much when we were trying to have a good time & slowly I started resenting her.  I wanted what she had with him, it tore my heart out whenever I saw them together, which had become every single weekend! 

By then they were engaged to be married within a year or so, and I wanted to be happy for her but I couldn't, I wanted her to break up with him so he would be free for me....but I never said anything to anyone, I did all the right things a friend does to help her plan the wedding & always tried to stay up & lighthearted, but inside I was heartsick. 

I knew I didn't have the nerve to say anything to him about my feelings.  I really did not know if he felt the same way about me, or really did just think of me as his girlfriend's 'fun' friend who was already "happily" married.  ( I never let on to anyone that my marriage sucked already after only 4 years of marriage, when I had insisted on getting married to the guy everyone in my family adored, & had no idea he was verbally abusive to me & drunk all the time.)  So as far as all our friends were concerned we were just the nicest young inlove couple.    

Soo, I said nothing to anyone and more or less realized it was a ridiculous fantasy of mine & I let it go, I also started to distance ourselves from them as couples once they got married.  It was just too hard for me to pretend I wasn't aching inside.

Then a couple of years went by, I had a baby(it was the thing to do shortly after you got married or supposedly all your eggs would get too old!) & I was busy & happy being a new mom.  By then I had really forgotten about my infatuation with him. 

But that year they had a New Year's eve party, my son was already about 8 months old & I was ready to have some adult party fun!  Plus I had gotten my slender figure back & was kind of anxious to show it off to Dave, maybe just to let him know what he passed up, I dont know,,,, I just knew I felt a fire in my heart and a desire just be with him on New Years Eve when the clock struck midnite, because I was going to be sure I was close enough to him to kiss him while everyone else was kissing & singing Auld Lang Syne!  

Oh gosh, this is turning into a saga...and I'm sure you are bored & stopped reading by now..

Let me just say, I didn't have to look far to find him at midnite when the lights went out, because he was looking for me.  We looked at each briefly, yelled Happy New Year and went into a liplock/bodylock for about 20 seconds!!  We were like those little magnet kissing dolls, our lips/mouths just fit perfectly together.....It was the best most passionate kiss I had ever experienced & I literally got weak in the knees.  We broke away & I knew by his face that he felt it too,  but we did the right thing and snapped back into realization, and carried on with the rest of the party as if nothing happened.  My poor head was spinning out of control and it wasn't from booze!! 

There was no turning back anymore, the kiss said it all, that quick kiss that made me feel like I was falling into an abyss, I knew it couldn't be the last.   

I yearn for him now... but it's been 20 years since I've spoken to him.  He's still married to the same girl from 35 yrs ago, has 3 wonderful daughters, and 4 grandkids....He told me years later that if only I would have said ONE WORD to him that I was not happily married before he got married, he never would have married her....

sparkless sparkless
56-60, F
1 Response Mar 12, 2009

I respect you for not breaking up their family, but feel sadness you couldn't have your soulmate.I followed my heart, risked everything to be with the man I loved, and ended up battered and alone. You did the right thing. I wish I had walked away from my feelings. I would never let them rule my head again, not that I have any left. You acted in everyones best intrests and ultimatly yours too.