Note To A Narcissist

I want to make sense of it. How you are like you are.
I could not believe it at first.  I didn't know that people could really choose not to feel.  How it could even be possible.
I want to build you up. But you want to tear me down.
I want to praise and express appreciation for you. But there is no compliment I give which you will accept humbly and gracefully without cockiness.  Or that you aren't suspicious of. 
I want to kiss you. But you think kisses are disgusting.  Or you say that you can't feel them at all.
I want to cuddle you.  You say that you want that.  Then you say that you don't care.  Then that you think cuddling is stealing touch.
I want to be your true lifelong friend. But you believe I am transitory and disposable.  You will not trust or reciprocate. 
I want to love you. But you consider emotions to be weakness.  Telling you that I love you only means I may be victimized.
I want to look at you. But you think I am staring.  Maybe you don't want to be seen.
I want to listen to you. But when I am around you hardly talk to me.  You will only talk in soliloquies.  Or when I am "text on a screen".
I want to tell you things about myself. But you will judge and criticize and make fun of what I say.  I am afraid to speak.
I want to be myself around you. But when I am emotional or upset or need something, you will laugh or be intolerant and refuse to be there for me.
I want to be with you. But you will "disappear" or ignore me.
I want to touch you. But you tell me that you are detached from feeling touch.
I want to be there when you need a companion. But you let me know that you are indifferent to whether I am there or not.  That I am easily replaced.
I want to grow closer to you. But you are walled in and aggressive to me.
I want to do things for you. But you don't even say "thank you" and don't care or appreciate what I do.
I want to enjoy time with you. But being around you is a downer because of your suspicions, negative remarks, and passive aggressive protective behavior.
I want to respect and understand your feelings. But you have little respect and put no effort into understanding mine.
I want to work through issues. But you call any attention to the relationship "nagging".
I want to relax. But you can't seem to stop spreading the eggshells.
I want to do things with you. But when we do things, it's like you aren't even there. You don't look at me or walk with me....make few comments to me about what is going on. And the thoughts you have are negative. I might as well be alone.
Yet all along you have said time and again that you are just a simple easygoing person.  Not at all complex.  While you are playing catch and release in your house of mirrors. 
You are a bad lover, bad company, bad listener, bad friend.
I loved you.  You knew it.  And you knew i would be ensnared when you treated me like I was perfect. When you invited me into your life and to be with you.  I can't figure out why.
I believed in you.  And because of that I came to believe you too when you treated me like nothing.
I don't want to believe you are evil.  I don't want to believe such a heartbreaking thing. 
So WHY did you ask me to be around? Why did you invite me? You knew that I wanted to be your friend wholeheartedly.  That what I had to give was yours.    Did you ask for it just so you could reject it?   What was I FOR??
If you never loved, cared for, respected or appreciated me as who I am, what was any of it for?

I went from being "almost perfect" to being nothing.  I went from great worth to worthlessness.  From being someone you missed and wrote hundreds of letters to, to someone you were "too busy" for.  All in the space of a year.  All in the space of days. 
And now I sit, over a year later, and I wonder.  How many years will it take for me to heal?  How long until you are out of that place in my heart where you never deserved to be, and how long til I can even come close to filling that space? 
And can I stand it if that space is always empty?
Vessa Vessa
41-45, F
10 Responses Aug 12, 2010

How perfect! It's as if you were writing my life, my heartbreak, my innermost thoughts. Thank you. I hope your empty space is now filled with joy!!

he is not aware of what he is doing . in his mind it is all okay. i know its cold and mean but he doesnt mean it intentially

It doesn't matter whether he meant it or not. He is history.

i cant argue with that. im just saying ik from my own expirence i was never really aware of the suffering i caused . i always made it ok in my mind . i never really thought it wasnt ok . it was just how my mind worked unconsiously

When I first got in touch with him, he actually told me that he had a "habit of hurting people". At the time, I didn't realize what he meant. I thought he meant that he would say clumsy things or put his foot in his mouth. But there were times later when he would do things, and he told me he knew he was doing them...just that he "somehow couldn't stop himself", even as he turned the screw. I didn't buy it, and I don't now. There was a venom and a punishing factor in there. At least that's how he worked. I can't speak for all who have difficulty with empathy or sympathy.

yeah me personally i dont get off on hurting people it just kind of happens . im working on being a better person

I'm not sure that you would be truly NPD then...at least not according to my understanding of it. To him, it was like some sort of game, and he had to win, even if he saw it was hurting someone. And he had his little circle of "fans" so that he had his "narcissistic supply", as the books say. I hope that you can get to the crux of the matter for yourself. I have a tendency to be blunt and that, so I can understand a bit of what it's like, but like you, I never get satisfaction out of hurting someone. It's that sort of toxicity that was so shocking. Here's to all of us becoming better people. :)

it is a game to me .. but not intentionally . it jus has to be . i have to win . like i said 6 monthes ago i never would be talkin like this.read my storys and u will see the real me .

when i dont have attention i become depressed and sleep constantly wen i moved to florida and had no one . i went into a deep depression had no supply . thats when i became self aware my gaurd was down . i was married to a borderline for 8 years she left me : i beg her back . a cycle always a game . who will win this round . she was the only woman who challenges me

I hope you can work your way out of it. I have heard that it is very hard to cure.

therepy is all i can do and try to be the best i can be ... btw my mom is a npd as well but she would never admit it

i dont want to hurt people but i dont feel truely bad when i do .. its hard to explain..

It is something that I will hopefully never fully understand.

8 More Responses

im a npd self aware if u have any questions feel free to ask . read my storys

Thank you, but when I was working my way from him, I read a lot and researched so that I could understand it better. It is years past now. That chapter in my life is closed.

I can really relate to this. It seems that some when they find someone that cares,and truly loves , they hurt and take advantage of that person

Yes. I'm not sure why exactly, except that it makes them feel powerful.

You and my ex boyfriend should get together. It appears you have lot in common.

Umm...Ok.

Xuan- I think you are right. That they do hold these women at a distance and then enjoy the way it hurts the women involved. The women become so hungry for that affection, and then the narcissist savors denying it to them. It's funny because this same guy would say that he felt "empty" and that he was alone, even admitting that he was protecting himself behind walls that he had put up. That had nothing to do with me personally. What a mess these types of men are!<br />
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Hey Vignette- No worries! Hope you are doing well. :) Yes...too bad that toxin removal can be so traumatic though, isn't it? Some sort of painful chelation. I am still working on this thing. Now that I can see what the poisons were more clearly. No longer like Snow White biting into a beautiful apple in some deluded way. But gee, I want my mind back!

I often heard they say that a woman's soul is unreachable....but apparently a man's soul can be just as far reach.<br />
In the end I think the psychology of these men is that they intentionally and actively HOLD the women they love at a DISTANCE...where there can never be any real connection whatsoever.<br />
These men a full of fears and they feel that as long as the woman is clueless about the whole game, they are safe...they are cowardish in a way how they even fear the most wonderful and fragile thing of all, that is a woman's love.

Thanks FindingMyVoice. :)<br />
So far I've been on my own, but it is getting better, as it inevitably must when you take toxins out of your life. <br />
You are a wonderful encourager. Squeeze.

Vignette.....I'm sorry it's taken me a while to respond to your comment. But then you know how I feel about this fellow. And you have been a compassionate and very understanding friend through it all. Rereading what i wrote and your comments has made me all weepy. :) Thank you for your kindness. And I'm sorry that anyone really can understand what I meant by it all. There are just too many of those guys around! Here's hoping we both find the right man. You too have such a big heart. <br />
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Whiteangel.....I reread what I wrote and thought it was so cryptic! I am so glad you understood it, though I'm sorry that anyone gets it really. I used to think my narcissistic man was so unusual. It's hard to believe that other guys like this exist. And it is really strange that I still think about him and miss him in a strong way. But time is helping. <br />
I sympathize with your hurt. I hope it will just get better for you. The hold he has can take so long to break. It is amazing what they do- use your love to weaken you. But I think the same capacity that makes us victims will make us able to move on. While they are stuck with their issues and inability to love. I wish you peace and strength.

You know i always wondered was my ex a Narcissist,everything i just read there sums him up,i felt drained still do as even today got abused even though we are not together,it so hurts made me feel very weak today.