He Probably Knows, But I'm His Annoyance

I still remember the first time I noticed him, exactly. I was only someone to him at first because I was a challenge.... fresh meat. we continued our relationship in what I thought was private.He was a player and an unfaithful partner (I was unaware) and all of his friends were a part of his little games and they would help to keep the lies going, I felt so welcome and a part of something when he wanted me: then I was discarded and ridiculed.
However I didn't go away I was at their local haunt for my own reasons and I just happened to fall in love with the guy that everyone wants, along the way. I've been his best friend at times. I've held him up, he's held me up. I've talked to him about almost everything in my life and I would like to believe that he feels that he can do that with me, he's everyone's best friend though. Everyone loves him. There are girls that talk about just talking to him. I sit there and listen to people that I've never met tell me stories about how amazing he is. I've helped his girlfriends through the tough times when he has been unfaithful. I've ruined my reputation over and over again to save his face. Until I realised that is how I ended up in this position in the first place. Everyone lies to save his name.
He is the complete package, for me he is irresistible. Intelligent, charming, good looks and amazing in bed. He has verything that I would normally look for in a person I can see his faults but for him I would just laugh them off.
I've tried to hate him, he has publicly insulted me on more than one occasion. Years later I see him again it's unavoidable with what we do. I realise that I love him now and I always have, I wonder because he seems to act like he does sometimes and he has quit drinking which was one of the sources of his infidelity and abuse. However I think that the survivor in him just doesn't want to burn bridges needlessly when he knows I might be useful one day.
So much of me wishes I didn't love him. I have a beautiful daughter to someone else a pretty good relationship, a comfortable life. I still dream of him. I still want to talk to him. Instead I am nasty to him sometimes or behave very cold. It doesn't make any sense and it's obvious. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to tell him how I feel even though i would ruin my life as I know it.
aspear aspear
22-25, F
Aug 9, 2010