I Think I Must Be Unlovable...I have been in love twice in my life, and neither men loved me back...
This is just a brief overview and probably doesn't make alot of sense to most.....
The first one was a flatmate, and we lived really well together. We hooked up pretty much as soon as he moved in, but he didn't want a relationship with me because, he said to me, he just wanted to travel and didn't want any ties to keep him from that....liar! He just didn't want me. We had an on/off thing going, which he never called a relationship, but he knew I was falling for him, and after 6 months he left for a place he told me he hated....then returned a couple of months later, and you could tell he missed me. But that was it, I was in love with him by this stage and he treated me very poorly from that day forth, constantly dating other women, then convincing me to be with him only to turn around and see someone else again...time and time again over a period of 3 years. He made phone calls to them right in front of me, even used my phone to text sexy messages when he ran out of credit once. He'd lie to me about where he was, but I'd find notes, internet searches and he'd contradict himself alot so I knew he lied. He even had the audacity to ask if one of them could stay over one night, and that broke me...that I just couldn't take. I said no and he yelled at me saying, what was he supposed to say to her? I said "how about the truth?".... we'd only slept together a couple of days before.........why did I stay for so long and constantly forgive him? Not because I had low self respect, he did kill my self esteem, but I felt I didn't have a choice...I loved him, so very much. I don't think I have had feelings that deep for anyone since. But he didn't love me, and I had to completely cut him from my life or he would have killed me...I still haven't fully recovered from this poisonous relationship, he broke my spirit and I have never been the same.
The second man I loved, a few years down the track and a much shorter relationship, was lovely to me. He took care of me and we had heaps of fun together. We had alot in common, except for one thing that I wasn't aware would be such an issue. He was religious and I wasn't so much, and he said he couldn't be with me for that reason alone. What I don't understand is that I didn't mind him being religious, I just didn't want to participate...everything else in our relationship was wonderful...and I lost him because of this. I probably have better morals and am a nicer person than alot of religious fanatics out there, yet that wasn't good enough. I still cry over him. I have dreams about him regularly which upset me.....I miss him heaps.
I have also just come out of a 5 month relationship with someone I loved as a friend only because I knew he, again, didn't want a long term relationship. We spent so much time together and had heaps of fun, but he recently moved in with a couple of new people and started not wanting to see me so much....we haven't spoken since I questioned him on it a couple of weeks ago, as it was obvious he didn't want me in his life anymore, too busy apparently.....and I thought we were friends....he clearly doesn't care....I miss what I thought was a great friendship though, but I guess it was one sided.
So there you have it, I am obviously a very unlovable person....I think maybe I also try too see the best in people and care and trust people too much, I should stop giving people 2nd chances and benefit of the doubt...my advice if anyone finds themselves in a similar situation, go with your gut feeling and get out of the relationship if that is what it is telling you....save yourself the heartache!
bluerose12 31-35, F 2 Responses 0 Aug 10, 2010