14 Years...

I have always been very smart and mature for my age. School was never able to teach me anything I didn't already know, but that's beside the point. When I was 6 years old, I met and fell in love with a girl who was about 4 years my elder. I spent 4 bittersweet years with her before she moved away. I had never even told her how I felt. From that time until just recently, I've been searching for her, unable to move on. A couple of months ago, I managed to find her again. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. For some reason, she doesn't own a computer, so she has no personal E-Mail address. I'm rambling again. Anyway, I was so excited to have found her after 10 long years of faithfully searching. Unfortunately for me, she already has someone she loves. They've been together for the past 6 years. 6 YEARS!!!!! What was I doing 6 years ago? I was in HELL, FIGHTING for the right to LIVE and the chance just to SEE her again. What a fool I've been, thinking that I could've actually ended up with her. Life's not fair, never has been, never will be. I've worked so hard, done so much, fought so hard, come so far, and this is how it ends??? I just keep thinking that if she really knew me, she'd leave him, because she'd realize that I'm the one she wants to be with, the one she loves. I really believe I could make that happen, but I'm just not that type of person. I couldn't break up a happy couple, especially knowing that I'd be hurting her in the process. He doesn't deserve her. He could never make her as happy as I could. Maybe the worst thing, is late at night, when the thought hits me: "They're together right now". Do you know what it's like to know that someone else is ****ing your wife??? I hate this. I just wish I didn't love her anymore. To think that I'd been afraid that it might all just be a fantasy, that I didn't really love HER, but rather an IDEA of her. I was so afraid that when I finally found her, and got to know her again, I wouldn't love who she'd become. That would've been the best thing for me. Instead, I fell in love with her all over again, she was exactly how I remembered her. Is that REALLY all there is to my life??? This can't be, I've left myself with nothing. I've turned down so many women, why can't I just forget about her??? I've never even had my first kiss, I've been saving myself just for her. I just feel like screaming as loud as I can. At least I know that I tried my very hardest, and that there was absolutely no chance that things could've gone my way. I really don't want to give up though, I was here first, I loved her first. He has no right, he can't do the things that I can, he's not good enough, he isn't me. I hate him, I hate myself for hating him. I hate this. What can I do??? What should I do???
BlackHaru BlackHaru
22-25, M
2 Responses Aug 11, 2010

Thank you both so much. You'll never know just how much your words mean to me.

First of all, be patient with yourself!! Don't hate anyone, if you can do that, because hate takes so much energy and poisons one's mind. It's true that you tried your hardest, but remember--for all those years she had no idea you were still looking for her, still loving her. I know this is hard to accept, I've recently caught up with some old, old friends of mine, and straightening out the feelngs is very difficult--to say the least. We're trying to work things out right now, and it's tremendously difficult to remember that no matter what is or was going on in each of our own minds, neither of the other two had any ideas of the others' thoughts and feelings! I feel the anguish in your soul, and understand that feeling al too well. I wish I could wave a magic wand and tell you I was making it OK--but I can't do that for either of us. All I can say i to continue to look withing yourself--you have a very good mind, and a lot of insight into yurself already. I'll keep you in my heart and prayers. (((((BIG HUGS)))))